Last year I spent Thanksgiving with my son, Gerard and his family...I remember that it was the first Thanksgiving in 43 years that I truly enjoyed. This year I will be spending the holiday with my family here where I live...I am excited to partake in the festivities...I am excited to make the squash and stuffing...I am present and giving thanks.
I am letting my heart soar...I am breaking the rubber band of old held onto beliefs...I am remembering that we are all connected...that we are each a separate and unique piece of the big picture that we call life...I am counting my blessings...I honor my joy...and I realize that everything that I have and love is here with me in my heart. I know that it always has been, (even if on some days I forget that).
No one, but me has ever been able to stop the love that I hold in my heart for Gerard...just as I hold the love for all those that I love that have passed...I can be sad about not having them here with me or I can choose to know that LOVE is and has been ever present.
So...I celebrate all that I am thankful for...I have much to be grateful for...people who love me without hesitation...people that I love...memories that I will always hold in my heart...and new memories to make....I am looking at the big picture....
I am giving thanks.
HAPPY THANKS-GIVING!
Birthday Surprise!
A last minute change of plans and I was boarding a train for the 7 hour ride to see my son for his birthday! I was beyond happy with every minute of this ride...he had no idea I was coming...and it was a wonderful surprise...and a fabulous time spent with him and the family...
He took me to the college campus where he went and we walked around the grounds...it was wonderful to be there with him as he shared his stories...and he actually lived in a dorm called KINGS HALL (which just happens to be my maiden name! FUNNY!!)
I made him a book for his birthday...and story for us...and I am going to share the pages now here...
So here are the first of them...This is the cover...
He took me to the college campus where he went and we walked around the grounds...it was wonderful to be there with him as he shared his stories...and he actually lived in a dorm called KINGS HALL (which just happens to be my maiden name! FUNNY!!)
I made him a book for his birthday...and story for us...and I am going to share the pages now here...
So here are the first of them...This is the cover...
LOVE
My friend, Terri has a wonderful way with words....and once again this one tells me exactly what to do as Gerard's birthday approaches...LOVE!
you love
“ memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that
ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love.
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love. ”
~terri st. cloud
bonesighsart
you love
“ memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that
ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love.
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love. ”
~terri st. cloud
bonesighsart
November blessing...
November is the time of year when you really want to reflect on what it is that you are thankful for. We really do need to be aware of our blessings throughout the entire year...but somehow for a lot of us that comes and goes in spurts depending on our mood.
Everyone who knows me realizes that since 1969 November has not been a month of gratitude for me....not until 2012 when Gerard and I were united again. And yet...this year I fell into a bit of a funk in the beginning of the month. WHY? Why would that happen when all I have ever wanted was to have him in my life...and now he is. So why the funk...why the sadness?
I let myself roll around with the sadness for a while...and then it hit me. Although we are united I was not spending his birthday with him this year. How many birthday candles I have missed...how many celebrations have gone by without me being witness to them. Last year was the first year I was with him since his birth...I shouldn't miss a single one...and yet as his birthday approaches (the 15th) I am here in my home...
So...I sit back....I take a moment or two and completely unlock my heart. I open it up and see what it is that I am really thankful for. I know that my gratitude for life does not have to be HUGE...I know that there are so many small things that are overlooked everyday by me or there are those things that I just take for granted. I know that I have said to myself...IF ONLY...I WISH I HAD...IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT OVER...I SHOULD OF...
So today...I unlock my heart...I will do the if only....I will start the wish I had...I will say the things I want to say to those that I love...And I will go forward from here...I will be open to the blessings in my life. I will view a few of them every day. I will let my life and heart open and watch those blessings pile up...
My son and I are united...I know this is a dream come true...and I am truly thankful that I can write this and express how I feel for him...because finally I know him....finally I know his name...finally he is part of my life...
I let the sadness go...
Everyone who knows me realizes that since 1969 November has not been a month of gratitude for me....not until 2012 when Gerard and I were united again. And yet...this year I fell into a bit of a funk in the beginning of the month. WHY? Why would that happen when all I have ever wanted was to have him in my life...and now he is. So why the funk...why the sadness?
I let myself roll around with the sadness for a while...and then it hit me. Although we are united I was not spending his birthday with him this year. How many birthday candles I have missed...how many celebrations have gone by without me being witness to them. Last year was the first year I was with him since his birth...I shouldn't miss a single one...and yet as his birthday approaches (the 15th) I am here in my home...
So...I sit back....I take a moment or two and completely unlock my heart. I open it up and see what it is that I am really thankful for. I know that my gratitude for life does not have to be HUGE...I know that there are so many small things that are overlooked everyday by me or there are those things that I just take for granted. I know that I have said to myself...IF ONLY...I WISH I HAD...IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT OVER...I SHOULD OF...
So today...I unlock my heart...I will do the if only....I will start the wish I had...I will say the things I want to say to those that I love...And I will go forward from here...I will be open to the blessings in my life. I will view a few of them every day. I will let my life and heart open and watch those blessings pile up...
My son and I are united...I know this is a dream come true...and I am truly thankful that I can write this and express how I feel for him...because finally I know him....finally I know his name...finally he is part of my life...
I let the sadness go...
The thread of love...
Last night I spent time with other birth mothers' and adoptees...this was the second time I was in their company...this time with a smaller group I was much more comfortable as we shared our stories together...
we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...
What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...
So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.
When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...
I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.
I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...
I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...
In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...
To the thread of love that has never been broken...
we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...
What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...
So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.
When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...
I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.
I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...
I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...
In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...
To the thread of love that has never been broken...
I choose LOVE!
I spent the weekend down on the farm! I wasn't milking a cow or tilling the soil...I was spending time with my son and family! I took my 8 year old grandson who lives in the same city that I do with me to visit with them also (his Uncle, Aunt and 3 Cousins)...A WONDERFUL time was had by all!
While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...
We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?
The more we dwell on judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?
I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.
Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...
I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...
I CHOOSE LOVE!
While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...
We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?
The more we dwell on judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?
I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.
Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...
I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...
I CHOOSE LOVE!
writing...
My son and I have been exchanging letters...We send each other thoughts we have...not about adoption...but rather thoughts about who we are...things that make us think. We send these letters along with very funny card to each other via the US Postal System...SNAIL MAIL. A lost art form...I love writing letters...as does my son...actually I love writing. For many years I denied myself this pleasure...I no longer do that. I submit articles to magazines...I write on several different blogs...and I have an on going column on creativity that started this month on Creativity Portal ...called THE MAGIC CRAYON.
But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...
But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...
The Little Bird
With Two Mothers
By: Patricia J. Mosca
Her nest was all feathered as she awaited the hatching of
her egg.
She dreamt of a life her new little one would have. Soaring
with the wind, perhaps to heights she could only imagine. She saw a bright and
beautiful future for him as she patiently tended to herself and the egg.
The day arrived and the egg hatched. There he was this tiny
baby bird of hers. He was perfect in every way. She never realized how much she
would love him, and she would sing sweet songs to him. One morning she kissed
his head as she prepared to go out into the world in search of food. As she
flew she looked back quickly believing that they were both ready for this
chapter in their lives.
She hit a cold wind and fell to the ground. Her wings were
broken and she could no longer fly. She struggled to get up, but she did not
have the strength. What would happen to her little one? Would he grow up and
fly as she dreamt? She laid down her head and wept.
At that very moment another bird was flying past the well
feathered nest. She saw the little bird there, so tiny and her heart opened
wide to him. She fed him and watched over him, taking him under her wings as a
mother would do. She nurtured and guided him as he grew and learned to fly. She told
him that although she had not prepared the nest for his arrival, she could not
possibly love him more than she did. The little bird grew strong and one day he
flew to heights that she never imagined possible. He left the nest and went
searching for something that was lost to him years before.
One bright sunny day as he rested on a branch of a fine oak
tree, he heard the soft singing of a bird. This song awoke something deep
within him with its familiar melody. He flew to the branch where the song was
coming from and his heart broke wide open.
They knew each other immediately. Her wings were tattered, so he wrapped
her up tightly in his as he gently kissed her head. The long search was over,
for Mother and Son were united once more.
He was blessed with two Mothers. Two mothers who loved him. Two
mothers who knew he would soar to great heights on the wings of their love.
LOVE...
All of us who are members of the adoption triad have our opinions on adoption...some good opinions...some are questionable...What is right? What is wrong?
And along comes Baby Veronica's story...
A birth mother who relinquishes her new born for adoption and a biological father who wants to keep her and the fight begins...Baby Veronica is placed with a couple, who adopt her, for 27 months during this time her biological father is going through the court system to get custody of his daughter. Finally he gets temporary custody,, and the court battles continue. 2 years later she is given back to the adoptive parents...all the while lawyers and courts and judges and media are all over this...OH MY! (all this is done in the name of LOVE for this little girl)
My thoughts just keep going back to why did this father not have the right to keep his daughter in the first place? I believe that ALL children should stay with a biological family member if at all possible...of course I know that there are circumstances where this is not in the best interest of the child...and YES it is all about the child for me.
My son was born in 1969 but it was not until 1970 that the final adoption papers were finalized. It was almost a year after his birth...I was flown to NYC to sign the final papers...The judge asked me if I was being "forced" to do this...NO....was I doing this of my own free will...YES....Do you want to see your son before you sign the final papers...NO...NO...YES....There he was sitting in a room with a young women of the court and he was playing with blocks....he was healthy...he looked happy...
I was already hurting...how could I now hurt him by taking him away from the only family he knew?...how could I hurt his parents by taking away their son? It haunted me for many years....did I make the right decision...42 years later I knew I had.
As for baby Veronica....I don't know...now she has 2 different families, and at 4 years old she is very aware of that...
I hope that they join together to bring this little girl the love of a village!
And along comes Baby Veronica's story...
A birth mother who relinquishes her new born for adoption and a biological father who wants to keep her and the fight begins...Baby Veronica is placed with a couple, who adopt her, for 27 months during this time her biological father is going through the court system to get custody of his daughter. Finally he gets temporary custody,, and the court battles continue. 2 years later she is given back to the adoptive parents...all the while lawyers and courts and judges and media are all over this...OH MY! (all this is done in the name of LOVE for this little girl)
My thoughts just keep going back to why did this father not have the right to keep his daughter in the first place? I believe that ALL children should stay with a biological family member if at all possible...of course I know that there are circumstances where this is not in the best interest of the child...and YES it is all about the child for me.
My son was born in 1969 but it was not until 1970 that the final adoption papers were finalized. It was almost a year after his birth...I was flown to NYC to sign the final papers...The judge asked me if I was being "forced" to do this...NO....was I doing this of my own free will...YES....Do you want to see your son before you sign the final papers...NO...NO...YES....There he was sitting in a room with a young women of the court and he was playing with blocks....he was healthy...he looked happy...
I was already hurting...how could I now hurt him by taking him away from the only family he knew?...how could I hurt his parents by taking away their son? It haunted me for many years....did I make the right decision...42 years later I knew I had.
As for baby Veronica....I don't know...now she has 2 different families, and at 4 years old she is very aware of that...
I hope that they join together to bring this little girl the love of a village!
National Gratitude Day...
Today is National Gratitude Day...a day when we can consciously take a look at all the abundance we have. And YES, I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that I am. It wasn't always completely that way, but I have learned so much about myself these past few years. I have taken time this morning to focus on my gratitude. I am affirming the blessings in my life...
I have been reading a lot about "angry" birth mothers and adoptees...and I will say that I was not aware, for a very long time, that I was actually one of them. I carried that internal anger with me for 42 years...and when it did surface I was not aware that the reason was because of the adoption. I know I have written and written about patterns...but I am so aware of them NOW...I wish in some ways I had always been aware of them...
I am trying to figure out a way to help others in their struggle to find their gratitude for the role they played in the adoption triad...(instead of holding so tightly onto the guilt and the anger of it) I know that we can make a powerful difference in the world if we foster a deep gratitude in our hearts. Gratitude is a powerful tool that can transform our lives...when we focus our thoughts on gratitude we feel energized and motivated to make a difference. I am feeling that is where I am in the present time. I want to reach out to others in an effort to touch their lives in the same positive ways that I have been touched...
I am not sure how to do that yet...but I feel in my heart that by creating a powerful cycle of love and gratitude we will all benefit...and it helps us heal...We let go of the "anger" and we count our blessings from a different place...and by sharing that with others I might just create a positive difference in their lives....
I'm working on it!!
Take a moment and count your blessings today...
I have been reading a lot about "angry" birth mothers and adoptees...and I will say that I was not aware, for a very long time, that I was actually one of them. I carried that internal anger with me for 42 years...and when it did surface I was not aware that the reason was because of the adoption. I know I have written and written about patterns...but I am so aware of them NOW...I wish in some ways I had always been aware of them...
I am trying to figure out a way to help others in their struggle to find their gratitude for the role they played in the adoption triad...(instead of holding so tightly onto the guilt and the anger of it) I know that we can make a powerful difference in the world if we foster a deep gratitude in our hearts. Gratitude is a powerful tool that can transform our lives...when we focus our thoughts on gratitude we feel energized and motivated to make a difference. I am feeling that is where I am in the present time. I want to reach out to others in an effort to touch their lives in the same positive ways that I have been touched...
I am not sure how to do that yet...but I feel in my heart that by creating a powerful cycle of love and gratitude we will all benefit...and it helps us heal...We let go of the "anger" and we count our blessings from a different place...and by sharing that with others I might just create a positive difference in their lives....
I'm working on it!!
Take a moment and count your blessings today...
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