AH-HA...

I had a deep thought this morning, an AH-HA moment as Oprah would say... Seriously this morning I was thinking about successes...and wondering if now after being reunited with Gerard would I finally REALLY let myself have some...Oh, don't get me wrong...I have had successes in my life...I successfully bore 3 children...two that I raised to be wonderful adults; one that I cannot claim that for...I have had success in the two career choices I have made for myself...as a hairstylist in California and a custom picture framer here in upstate NY (those successes are measured by how many repeat clients you get and how many people are referred to you by them) I have had my art published in national magazines along with many written articles...I have had a book published...I have had a one woman art show and many gallery showings...and there have been others... So yes, I acknowledge these successes.

But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)

WHY?  And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.

I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.

I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.

I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...

and by doing so I heal.

Now, that is what I consider a success!