Days went by...

“Where'd the days go, when all we did was play? And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all just a run and a jump into a harmless fall”
― Paolo Nutini

Days went by and I did not hear from him, he avoided me in the hallways at school and would not take my phone calls. Let him get over the shock of it my friend told me, after all you have had time to adjust to this. The more I tried to get him to talk with me the further away he would pull. I would cry, I would scream and yell, and I was totally and utterly out of control on some days. My hormones were changing and I had no control over them and no idea what was going on. And the fear I was feeling was beyond anything I had ever felt before. I didn't understand why he was acting this way. Didn't we lay side by side declaring our love for one another?  Didn't we talk about running away and getting married before I became pregnant? How could all of that have changed? I couldn't stop crying, I barely ate and being at school was torture for me. How could he turn his back on me so quickly?  Everything I believed to be true, suddenly became just words that were floating around in space. Nothing in my life seemed real, other than the fact that I was pregnant and going to have a baby. Now what?

Now what indeed. I tried very hard to ignore it for awhile, maybe it really isn't true. Maybe I was just really late and I would actually get my period any day now. Maybe the love of my life would see the light and come back to comfort me and marry me so that the world would be right again. Maybe those adults who told me that I had little potential were right. Maybe I was just a stupid 17 year old girl who had no future. I sank into  a depression, a depression that was dark and deep. I had no idea what to do. Maybe I should just end this all and take my life. But, how could I do that when I was carrying a baby, an innocent child that had no voice in this situation.

I watched as my friends and fellow classmates went about their busy senior year lives. Laughing and planning for their futures, they went to parties and activities as if life were somehow normal. Normal!? What was normal? I had no idea anymore, and I separated myself from the group of friends I once hung out with. I became quiet and more withdrawn making up one excuse after another as to why I couldn't do things. I was sure everyone knew I was pregnant. I was sure that they were whispering all those nasty names that girls who were not married and pregnant were called. I was sure that the word sinner was plastered all over me. In 1969, girls were still thought to be virgins when they married, even though I am sure a great many of them were not. After all we were living in the 60's and free love was talked about in every media. Girls in 1969 did not have or keep babies if they were not married. Some girls suddenly got married to their sweethearts, ( a shot gun wedding they use to call it) and before long they were having a baby and perhaps even living the fairy tale. Did people count on their fingers the months between the wedding and the birth? I suppose some did. Other girls mysteriously dropped out of school. They came down with a severe case of Mono that kept them at home, and of course you couldn't visit because they were way to contagious. There also were the sick relatives that they were suddenly sent out of town to take care of. The "secret" was kept. Of course there were whispers of pregnancies, of illegitimate babies that were put up for adoption, but you never knew for sure if those whispers were true. And after a time those girls came back to school and joined in as if the world was right, as if everything was the same. They seemed to have all the right answers to all the questions about their disappearance. It was as if a script had been written that never changed and became a fact to anyone who asked after a while.  Now, I was one of "those" girls and I had no idea what was in store for me.

What price did they pay for that "secret" and the script that they had practiced over and over? Was their life different? Did they feel different? Because, they did not seem to look different. I had no idea what was going on with the girls that had these stories. I couldn't ask anyone these questions for fear that perhaps they really did have Mono or a sick relative and then I would be exposing my "secret". This secret was changing me. Changing my emotions, changing my body, changing every part of my life. One minute I would be laughing and the next minute I would be crying. I would act as if breaking up with my sweetheart was fine with me, and then I was telling people how cruel and mean he was. I was separating myself from friends and then I was calling wondering why I was not included in activities. I would seek out my sweetheart, I would cry and rant at him and the next moment I would find myself wanting to make love with him.  The pregnancy was causing my hormones to run wild and I had no idea what was going on with me. Was I losing my mind? I felt lost and very much alone during what was suppose to be one of the happiest and exciting times of my life. Graduation was getting closer and my pregnancy was now progressing. What was going to happen to us, this baby and me? And just how was I going to tell my parents that they were going to become grandparents in the fall of 1969.

Because you see, I was still holding on to the fantasy that everything was going to turn out alright, even if I did not know what direction I was going in.