disappointment...

Be clear that expectations are demands. Demanding that life turn out the way we prefer is a sure path to disappointment and suffering. Happiness lies in having no expectations, and accepting life as it comes.  ~Jonathan Lochwood Huie

Here I was without direction, without a clear future plan, and without my sweetheart. I was feeling as if I was finally living up to all the negative things I had been told about myself. Things began to shift when I received a phone call from the first of several "white knights" that would enter my life during these next six months. There was an English teacher who noticed that I was withdrawn, that I wasn't taking my passion for reading and English to the lengths I once had. I had miss so many classes and way to many assignments. He called me at home, and asked if we might meet to discuss what he could do to help me graduate, because at the rate I was going I surely would not. I wasn't sure what was going to take place at that meeting, I wasn't even sure if it mattered if I graduated or not. We sat in the class room where he taught his classes and he asked me what was wrong. What wasn't wrong? The flood gates opened and I tearfully told him that I was pregnant. He was the first adult that I opened up to. To my surprise he was sensitive to my feelings, he was kind and caring as he talked to me. He gently told me that I needed to let my parents know as soon as possible. That I needed to go to an OBGYN Doctor for prenatal care. He explained to me without being judgemental that these were very important, much more important than the assignments I had missed. But, this teacher went beyond that. He knew that attending school was becoming more and more emotional for me. That I was getting sick in the morning now and it was getting more difficult for me just to pull myself out of bed. So, he went to the school board and said that he would tutor me, he would make sure I read the final book of the year and did all the assignments because I was suffering from depression.  He explained how the only credit I needed to graduate was English and that he would make sure I was prepared for the Regent's exam. He went out on a limb for me, and I did not fail him.  I took that final exam and got an A so that I could graduate with my class. I would be able to walk across the stage and accept my diploma as if everything was normal. Knowing all the time that nothing was. Once I had told him the "secret" I felt maybe my parents' reaction would be the same. After all they loved me, they had always taken care of me, they were my parents.

As it turned out I did not have to tell my Mother about my pregnancy. My sudden change in behavior certainly made her suspicious, but I am sure it was the morning sickness that gave it away. She actually said to me, "Your pregnant, aren't you" in that I already know tone. My immediate reaction was to say NO, but we both knew that was not true. She made her disappointment very clear, and told me that I alone would have to break THIS news to my father. My father and I had always had this close relationship, and he felt I could do nothing wrong. I was after all his Queen, his little girl, his darling daughter. Now, I felt I had to shatter all that he believed I was and suddenly I would become tainted, dirty and disappointing to him. When I finally worked up enough courage to tell him all my fears seemed to come true. If my sweetheart had been with me I am sure my father would of hauled off and decked him. Just what did I plan on doing he asked? The I don't know answer was not exactly what he wanted to hear. Perhaps, he had hoped, like me, that my sweetheart and I had a plan. He asked me to leave the house. Throwing a few things in a suitcase I wasn't sure where I was going, but I ended up at the door of a good friend. I thought I would be safe there, I was sure her mother would understand and let me stay with them for awhile. She would help me work things out, she would point me in the right direction, she would rock me in her arms. This woman had always been a person that I could tell things to, and she was very understanding and gentle with my already fragile heart. I was safe. She set up a Doctors appointment for me and began the process of  being the middle person between my parents and myself. She took her time to talk to them about supporting me, and explained to me that they were really not mad or disappointed in me, but rather they were scared and were not sure how to help me.

We were all in the same boat together sailing on a very rough sea of emotions. Slowly we began to accept together the pregnancy and we would have to work together to discover the best course to set this boat on.

But, what course would that be?