Psychiatrist...

I have gone to see Psychiatrists off and on since I was 24 years old. They never could really pinpoint why I was always so "depressed". Many of them wanted to go back and review my childhood...blame my parents in some way...others told me it was a hormonal thing...one actually went so far as to tell me that I was making things up in my head. But the one thing that I NEVER brought up was that I had entrusted Gerard to the adoption system. I never exposed my self totally and honestly.

In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.

For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.

But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.   

I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break. 

I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.