It was now the month of March...the longest period of absent time we had gone since our meeting in July (although we talk to each other once a week and I am in touch by texting with my daughter-in-law and grandchildren and sometimes we skype!)...It had been 8 weeks since I was last at my sons' house. I was going to spend another "first" with them. I was going to celebrate the birthday of my oldest grand daughter (who was born on the same day as my own Dad, she would be turning 14 ) and my oldest grand son (who would be turning 11). It was so wonderful to once again be in all of their company...I feel so at home when I am there...this is my family and I love them all dearly...and it feels so natural...so normal, as if it has always been like this. (I suppose in some ways it has in my heart)
While there Gerard shared boxes full of memories with me...school documents...report cards and journals that he kept when he was young...college papers. He had saved so many things and now I was getting another glimpse into his life, his younger life...I had brought one thing with me to share with him...I brought a picture of his Father at the age of 30 (his Father and I had gotten together when we were both 30 for dinner and he gave me the picture...I was not sure why at the time, but I do know now that it was because I was suppose to share it with Gerard). I gave it to him...he said nothing...he made a copy, I told him he could keep the original, but he chose not to, and then he gave me a sheet of paper and an envelope...I wrote down his Fathers name and where he lived...and he sealed the envelope. When and if he wanted to open it...he now had it in his possession, and did not have to ask me for the copy I had in my strong box.
When I returned home, I started getting fearful again...why was I so fearful of giving him his Fathers name and address? Why was I questioning that? Did he not deserve to know who he was? Did I think that somehow I would not be as important in his life if he contacted his Father? Was I fearful for him at the reaction that he might get from his Father should he contact him? The answer to all these questions was YES! And because I was trying very hard to let go of the past...to stay ever present I decided that I would write Gerard the following letter...but instead of sending it by snail mail...I sent an E mail so that he would get it quickly.
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Dear Gerard,
I am readjusting to being home once again...although it gets better each time I return from a visit it is still an adjustment. This morning I have quite a few things running around in my mind that I want to talk with you about.
I am thinking about the picture of your Father that I gave to you and how you did not have anything to say about it when I presented it to you...I am thinking about writing his name down in a sealed envelope for you...I am thinking about whether or not you would tell me if you opened that envelope,or even if that is my business...
I have to be truly honest with myself...why did I take so long to look for that photo? The answer I came up with is that I honestly thought it was in your best interest not to...I thought that just meeting me was enough to handle at the moment...I thought that I wanted to keep you all to myself after his reaction to our reuniting...I thought that I wanted to protect you....
I wonder today if that wasn't a selfish act on my part...If I was projecting how I was feeling about him onto you...I wonder today if the decision naturally needs to be yours without my input..
As we both believe, each of the choices we make every day has the potential to impact our lives. Some choices touch us to our very core...awakening poignant feelings within us. Others seem at first to be simple but prove to be confusingly complex. All these questions and my thoughts seem to fall into this category today. I am not sure if I approached the decision making process from a balanced emotional and intellectual foundation, when it comes to your Father. Have I achieved equilibrium in my heart and mind so that I could clearly see both sides?
Balance within and balance without go hand in hand. It seems as if I have been called to choose between two options...to give you the photo and name or not to...Whether this is attractive or distasteful to me should not come into play. In the beginning I was not coming to the decision from a place of balance...so my choice now seems as if it was overly emotional...So I took a time-out before deciding to share with you...right or wrong it gave me ample opportunity to determine that sharing was in accordance with my values...that everyone has the right to know who they are according to their heritage and birth.
I cannot project upon you the feelings of 43 years ago...In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person...I carried that thought around with me for so many years...but today, I am sitting with my feelings rather than ignoring them. It is often easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this might initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior...or at least for me that seems to hold true. Not being honest we place our self in the position of victim. I no longer wish that to be part of my life story...
I am choosing to end this karmic chain by acknowledging that I forgive the 17 year old boy, who is your Father. By doing this I take a deep breath...I am gentle...I am compassionate....with my 18 year old self also. Trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. Today, I am writing from a place of great honesty...
Though I am somewhat self-aware (and growing more into that) I have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to my experiences. Since our reuniting I am also finding that the significance I perceive in my experiences is rooted in my observation of patterns as they relate to me. One situation has the power to teach me about life because it exposes me to something unfamiliar...another touches my emotions deeply by enabling me to see how fortunate I am. My initial impression of an experience may not wholly reveal the true significance of that occurrence because our full response to an experience is like an onion with many layers that all have different meanings.
So today, I am taking time to examine my experience closer...and I am discovering that my original impression is only part of a larger story of significance. Peeling away the layers, I relive that experience, your adoption, in my mind's eye...from as many perspectives as possible...knowing that this situation is based on only my facts...my feelings...my belief and my values.
The significance of an experience may remain hidden for a long time. The meaning of an event can change when viewed from another context...If I truly open my mind and my heart ...if I do not shy away from the painfulness...I am finding a peace with it...for I have found you...I am whole...but that is my story only...and I cannot speak for anyone else.
I am learning to trust and be trusted which is helping me remain committed to others. Trusting people is one of the most difficult challenges in my life since there is always the fear of getting hurt. If we do not trust ourselves we are not offering others our full attention...
So, I shared those two things with you because our relationship is full of trust...it is full of unconditional love and support.
I love you Gerard.
Love,
Mom
I was finally allowing myself to turn a corner...
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From your heart to mine!