I am barely on this machine anymore...So much has been going on since the beginning of the year that my head was not into writing or sharing...My Mother (who is 88) was in and out of the hospital beginning in Feb. and went until April...I dealt with surgery that did not go as well as expected and I have been dealing with some difficult side effects from it...
AHHHHHH...LIFE! Life has been going on!
I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)
They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, my lovely daughter in law, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...
Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...
And although the time they spent here was short...it made my heart smile...and I still am!
Disturbing....
There are a few site that sell baby clothes for newly adopted babies...most of the wording on these clothes is questionable by those of us who are Mothers' and those who are adoptees....
For me...this is one of the most disturbing....(and believe it or not it says it s a thoughtful gift!?)
http://www.zazzle.com/adopted_you_wanted_me_baby_bibs-256522434983183829
For me...this is one of the most disturbing....(and believe it or not it says it s a thoughtful gift!?)
http://www.zazzle.com/adopted_you_wanted_me_baby_bibs-256522434983183829
A celebration of the heart...
The month of May is very special to me (and my heart) for all sorts of reasons...
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to Gerard (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
Gerard was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to Gerard and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with Gerard...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.
MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to Gerard (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!
Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.
Gerard was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...
I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to Gerard and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...
There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...
I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with Gerard...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...
I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received...and my heart celebrates...
Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
HELLO! Am I really able to log into my blog after months of trying?
WHY YES I AM!
I am still getting an error message, but then it goes away! So actually I am HAPPY!
What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with Gerard...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with Gerard...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...and so I finished up my journal...with a letter that I wrote not to myself but rather to Gerard...pledging my love as a parent and a grandparent...verbally saying that there is nothing in this universe that can ever again prevent me from being there for him and for his family...and I feel so much better...I sent him a copy of that letter...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
WHY YES I AM!
I am still getting an error message, but then it goes away! So actually I am HAPPY!
What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with Gerard...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with Gerard...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...and so I finished up my journal...with a letter that I wrote not to myself but rather to Gerard...pledging my love as a parent and a grandparent...verbally saying that there is nothing in this universe that can ever again prevent me from being there for him and for his family...and I feel so much better...I sent him a copy of that letter...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
A new year...
I spent the holiday with my son and his family. This was the very first Christmas morning that we have had together. And although spending it with my grandchildren was exciting it was the fact that I could watch the magic of my sons' eyes as he watched his children. I was touched deep to my core with love for all of them.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful.
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