The thread of love...

Last night I spent time with other birth mothers' and adoptees...this was the second time I was in their company...this time with a smaller group I was much more comfortable as we shared our stories together...

we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...

What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...

So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.

When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...

I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.

I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...

I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...

In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...

To the thread of love that has never been broken...

I choose LOVE!

I spent the weekend down on the farm! I wasn't milking a cow or tilling the soil...I was spending time with my son and family! I took my 8 year old grandson who lives in the same city that I do with me to visit with them also (his Uncle, Aunt and 3 Cousins)...A WONDERFUL time was had by all!

While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...

We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?

The more we dwell on  judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?

I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with  my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.

Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...

I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...

I CHOOSE LOVE!

writing...

My son and I have been exchanging letters...We send each other thoughts we have...not about adoption...but rather thoughts about who we are...things that make us think. We send these letters along with very funny card to each other via the US Postal System...SNAIL MAIL. A lost art form...I love writing letters...as does my son...actually I love writing. For many years I denied myself this pleasure...I no longer do that. I submit articles to magazines...I write on several different blogs...and I have an on going column on creativity that started this month on Creativity Portal ...called THE MAGIC CRAYON.

But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...

 

The Little Bird With Two Mothers

By: Patricia J. Mosca

Her nest was all feathered as she awaited the hatching of her egg.

She dreamt of a life her new little one would have. Soaring with the wind, perhaps to heights she could only imagine. She saw a bright and beautiful future for him as she patiently tended to herself and the egg.

The day arrived and the egg hatched. There he was this tiny baby bird of hers. He was perfect in every way. She never realized how much she would love him, and she would sing sweet songs to him. One morning she kissed his head as she prepared to go out into the world in search of food. As she flew she looked back quickly believing that they were both ready for this chapter in their lives.

She hit a cold wind and fell to the ground. Her wings were broken and she could no longer fly. She struggled to get up, but she did not have the strength. What would happen to her little one? Would he grow up and fly as she dreamt? She laid down her head and wept.

At that very moment another bird was flying past the well feathered nest. She saw the little bird there, so tiny and her heart opened wide to him. She fed him and watched over him, taking him under her wings as a mother would do. She nurtured and guided him as he grew and learned to fly. She told him that although she had not prepared the nest for his arrival, she could not possibly love him more than she did. The little bird grew strong and one day he flew to heights that she never imagined possible. He left the nest and went searching for something that was lost to him years before.

One bright sunny day as he rested on a branch of a fine oak tree, he heard the soft singing of a bird. This song awoke something deep within him with its familiar melody. He flew to the branch where the song was coming from and his heart broke wide open.  They knew each other immediately. Her wings were tattered, so he wrapped her up tightly in his as he gently kissed her head. The long search was over, for Mother and Son were united once more.

He was blessed with two Mothers. Two mothers who loved him. Two mothers who knew he would soar to great heights on the wings of their love.