SURPRIZE!

My son and his family live around 8 hours by car from me...flying is 1 hour! (guess which one I do!)My daughter-in-law's family has a farm that is about 4 hours from where I live...and they spend a good deal of the summer at the farm, my son being a school teacher has the summer off...

Last week my son and I were talking on the phone planning some time where we could be alone as mother and son...it is a difficult thing to do when one has a young family...we do have stolen hours when we have to run errands where we can ride in a car together and just talk one on one...but those are far and few between...and of course we have telephone calls...we don't do much e mailing anymore, but I still write him letters (sending one out today!)

My son called me on Sunday and was curious to what I was doing ...homework was my reply (I am taking an on line course)...how would you like company for dinner?  He was at the farm with 2 of the 3 children; while my daughter-in-law and his my oldest grand-daughter were in the big city going to a play with friends and spending some quality time together...Really?..how fast could I say Certainly!?

Of course I ran to the grocery and picked up special items...cupcakes to celebrate a birthday with the littlest grand-daughter that I was not able to be at...Upon arrival my home was filled with so much love and laughter...and let me mention a dog and 3 chickens too!!  We ate...we talked...we laughed...we celebrated...it was such a wonderful surprise...

 It struck me while during this visit what we do as parents....bonding with our children starts at the moment of conception (at least I believe that) and carries through to when we hold them for the first time in our arms...but then life comes into play. The bonding comes from providing for them...shelter and food...comfort and security...guidance and love...this bond starts by allowing our children to know that they will be taken care of by us...to offer to them the security of knowing that we are there to protect them so that no harm will come to them under our watch...this bond is the beginning of the child/parent relationship...and it came to my attention that Gerard and I do not have that total bond...we have a different bond that comes from a different part of our hearts...it is a bond...it is a special connection...but it is different.

Meeting again as adults...as a parent I do not have to provide for him...he is not totally dependent on me...and yet we as humans need to feel wanted...needed and loved by others...especially by our parents and our children.

So I opened up my home to my son and grand-children...I provided food and shelter...I provided comfort and a sense of security...I provided love...there was even a moment where I could hold him and provide him with compassion...

This surprise visit was much to short...a sleep over and spending the day together on Monday...but it reminded me of the blessings I have had since meeting last year...each moment there are many things to be grateful for...and the world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.

So, I am grateful....grateful for a surprise visit...grateful for a birthday celebration...grateful for a day of play...grateful for the laughter and the conversations...yes and even grateful for the dog running in the yard and the chickens (I did get 2 nice fresh eggs from them!)...

But most of all I am grateful for the LOVE!

Definitions...

I was wondering today what the definition of adoption was...So here is what it says:

A`dop´tion

n.	1.	The act of adopting, or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child.
	2.	Admission to a more intimate relation; reception; as, the adoption of persons into hospitals or monasteries, or of one society into another.
	3.	The choosing and making that to be one's own which originally was not so; acceptance; as, the adoption of opinions "Voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child" No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away by their natural/birth mother because they cannot or will not be able to take care of that child."  No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away/relinquished by their birth mother, who will never be able to see them again because of that relinquishment" No where in this definition does it state... "A child given away by their birth mother who does not want said child to ever be able to know where he/she came from or be allowed to have their original birth certificate or medical information." And yet...that is exactly what most people believe about birth mothers. I wonder why it is that we are such a narrow minded society. What about  the definition of Mother: 1moth·er noun \ˈmə-thər\ Definition of MOTHER 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 2 : source, origin <necessity is the mother of invention> 3 : maternal tenderness or affection   "A female parent...maternal tenderness or affection"   No where in this definition is there  a reference of difference between a birth mother and an adoptive mother.   lets talk about what we are sometimes called...we are called birth mother, natural mother, B-mom, real mother, other mother and names that a lady does not say, names that make us feel less than. Adoptive mothers too are called just that adoptive mothers, A-mom, and often they are belittled with statements like "oh your not his/her real Mom", a statement that often makes them feel less than.  WHY can't we just be called Mom or Mother? Because after all isn't that who we are? Didn't we both play a role? Don't we sort of walk hand in hand with each other? What threat are we to one another? Why can't a person have 2 mothers? In same sex unions children have 2 mothers or 2 fathers...in divorces children have step-mothers. Are any of these mothers less than? We each have our own set of emotions surrounding adoption. Some are negative, such as dealing with guilt for not being able to raise a child, or guilt for not being able to bare a child. But most of them are maternal feelings... We both carry love for that same child...both of us wishing for only the best for them...one gets to display that love the other holds it close in their heart. We both just want to be called MOM!

"CAN'T"...

CAN'T...this is the one word in the English language that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up...I would start to feel my blood pulse through my body faster, causing my heart rate to rise...like in the cartoons I would feel a steam pouring out from my ears...CAN'T...did someone just say that I COULD NOT DO SOMETHING???  Oh No they didn't!

Again I am having another AH-HA moment...

Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.

Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)

Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...

CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...

I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.

AH-HA...

I had a deep thought this morning, an AH-HA moment as Oprah would say... Seriously this morning I was thinking about successes...and wondering if now after being reunited with Gerard would I finally REALLY let myself have some...Oh, don't get me wrong...I have had successes in my life...I successfully bore 3 children...two that I raised to be wonderful adults; one that I cannot claim that for...I have had success in the two career choices I have made for myself...as a hairstylist in California and a custom picture framer here in upstate NY (those successes are measured by how many repeat clients you get and how many people are referred to you by them) I have had my art published in national magazines along with many written articles...I have had a book published...I have had a one woman art show and many gallery showings...and there have been others... So yes, I acknowledge these successes.

But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)

WHY?  And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.

I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.

I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.

I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...

and by doing so I heal.

Now, that is what I consider a success!

1 year...

It was a year ago today that my son and I stood on a rural road in upstate NY and hugged for the first time in 42 years...Today, I received these beautiful flowers from him...this year we could not be together to mark this date...but at 1:00 this afternoon I held him in my heart...closer than on an average day...I told him with my heart that I loved him...I held him closely...I remembered how I felt at the moment that we embraced...I feel that same way every time we are together...and I know how blessed I am.

When Gerard signs cards, letters, e-mails and now the card on these beautiful flowers (the first flowers I have received from him...another "first") he does so by saying...Love, Your Son Gerard. Even now as I type this I get all choked up...a lump comes to my throat and tears come to my eyes.

"Your Son"...the son I have held in my heart for so long...the son who never really left me...the son whom I could not love more even if I raised him...I wonder if I will always feel this emotional about those words...

I think I will...