Showing posts with label adoption reunion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption reunion. Show all posts

Mother's Day 2015

"...he passed thru so quickly...
just long enough to make me love him.
we had only touched the surface
~and yet, he is in my depths forever.






The last 6 months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions...what was once found is now locked away again...

For a relationship that started out so positive to have ended so negative breaks my heart...and no one wants to hear my words even though I have heard many (none of which are from my son)...and that is very sad...but there have been so many silver linings that came with this reunion...so many lessons learned and corners turned...

I now know who my son is...and parts of his life story...I was blessed to have held him in my arms and heard him call me Mom and tell me that he loved me...I have met my grandchildren, and although I may not have a role in their lives I can rejoice in the memories of them...I have let my 17 year old self be healed...to know she did nothing wrong and that she was and is loved...I have allowed myself to heal the hurt that I carried for 43 years...

Sometimes things don't turn out the way we would have liked them to...but I know that things are constantly happening/changing...some things are starting and some are ending...I just can't see all of what is going on right now....and I have to wait and have hope and faith that the future will work out...and I will wait...

I will wait forever...

I will tuck the love away in my heart instead of the hurt this time...and I will continue to love from a distance...I will continue to allow my heart to be open no matter how long it takes...

I will continue to choose love...

Long Time Gone...

I am barely on this machine anymore...So much has been going on since the beginning of the year that my head was not into writing or sharing...My Mother (who is 88) was in and out of the hospital beginning in Feb. and went until April...I dealt with surgery that did not go as well as expected and I have been dealing with some difficult side effects from it...

AHHHHHH...LIFE!  Life has been going on!

I have not been able to see my son and his family for 8 months...it seemed as if it was a life time for me. For the past 2 years I have been seeing them about every 6 to 8 weeks...which probably to some may feel excessive...but I am connecting...I am learning...I am loving...and yes, in some ways I am trying to make up for lost time...(even though I know that can not possibly be done)

They came here for a visit...all 5 of them...my son, my lovely daughter in law, my uniquely wonderful teenage grand daughter...my captivating grandson...and my adorable littlest grand daughter...oh and the fabulous dog too) To have them all here did my heart so much good...to be able to interact with them and have them close was a little slice of heaven...I miss them so much...

Distance is a strange thing...there are so many things that keep everyone connected these days...there is this machine...telephones...Skype...cell phones...Facebook...blogs...but nothing...NOTHING can compare to being able to reach out and hug the people you love...

And although the time they spent here was short...it made my heart smile...and I still am!

Disturbing....

There are a few site that sell baby clothes for newly adopted babies...most of the wording on these clothes is questionable by those of us who are Mothers' and those who are adoptees....

For me...this is one of the most disturbing....(and believe it or not it says it s a thoughtful gift!?)

http://www.zazzle.com/adopted_you_wanted_me_baby_bibs-256522434983183829

A celebration of the heart...

The month of May is very special to me (and my heart) for all sorts of reasons...

1. My daughter was born on the 15th
2. My sister was born on the 19th
3. My late husband was born on the 26th
4. Other family members were also born this month.

MAY 10th is the anniversary date of the first time I talked to Gerard (and family)...and then of course there is Mother's Day. Quite a double celebration!

Two days in row that tug at my heart. Two days in a row that forever changed my life.

Gerard was my first born...and for 42 years Mother's Day was not acknowledged by anyone for me. It was a hole in my heart...a piece missing . When my daughter was born in 1973 I was finally allowed to celebrate Mother's Day...but that hole and the piece were still missing. Don't get me wrong...I still celebrated...I still loved being a Mother...I gave my all to that position I held in life...but there was always that part of me that was never acknowledged...there was always the child that was not a part of my life...

I wondered this year as I sent out an anniversary card to Gerard and family...if there will come a day when I will no longer need to honor the day that we first talked...if we would get to a place where we would acknowledge the "normal" days that most families celebrate...and my mind could not wrap around that thought...it is a milestone for us as Mother and Son...

There are stories that all Mothers can tell about their children...what they were like as babies...the first time they said MAMA...how they did in school...what they loved to do as they grew up...and Gerard and I do not have those...but what we do have is MAY 10th....The beginning of a life that we would share together...

I do not dwell anymore on the things that I missed with Gerard...I no longer go there...it serves me no purpose...instead I hold onto the things that we have...what we share together now...the memories that we are making together...

I hold onto the sentiment of the card I received...and my heart celebrates...

Miles apart...and missing you with all my heart.
HELLO!  Am I really able to log into my blog after months of trying?

WHY YES I AM!

I am still getting an error message, but then it goes away! So actually I am HAPPY!

What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.

In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...

The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with Gerard...I refuse to let that happen!

The other day when talking with Gerard...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!

And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...and so I finished up my journal...with a letter that I wrote not to myself but rather to Gerard...pledging my love as a parent and a grandparent...verbally saying that there is nothing in this universe that can ever again prevent me from being there for him and for his family...and I feel so much better...I sent him a copy of that letter...

As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!

A new year...

I spent the holiday with my son and his family. This was the very first Christmas morning that we have had together. And although spending it with my grandchildren was exciting it was the fact that I could watch the magic of my sons' eyes as he watched his children. I was touched deep to my core with love for all of them.

My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.

While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.

The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother.  I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.

We meld and join them together as best as we can.  

PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful.     

COURAGE

Sharing a Rumi poem posted by a friend today:

There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
There's a broken, open place in a lover
Where are the qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
What's the use of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt
This is not a treasury where gold is stored
This is for copper
We alchemists look for talent that can heat up and ...change

Luke warm won't do
Half hearted, holding back well enough, getting by, not here
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
 
All of us who are members of the triad know about COURAGE!

Finding the right gift...

I know that the holidays are not just about "giving"...it's about spending time with those that you love. Even so...there is the hustle and bustle of the season where we all pick the "perfect" gift for those that we love....AHHHHH...but is it that easy? How many times have you received the "perfect" gift only to exchange it within days...or put it away in a locked closet never to be seen again....how many times have you smiled (that fake smile) and said how much you "loved" that gift?

This year I will be waking up Christmas morning in my son's home...for the first time I will be able to see my grandchildren open up their gifts and delight in the stockings...for the first time I will be able to spend the day in the company of my son and his family...

So...I search for the perfect gift...The children were easy...There are hobbies and things that they love...so I had no problem...in fact I actually had to decide which ones to get! My daughter in law was fairly easy too as we do shop together at times and I see what she picks up and likes...I can always go back and get it another time! (SURPRISE!)

But my son....well that is a different story...

I want to purchase something meaningful...I want something that lets him know the love I have in my heart for him and this reunion...Last year I made a book for him of all our E mail exchanges for the first year...illustrated with love...I also decided on a compass that was engraved with "WE HAVE BEEN FOUND"...this year I am at a loss...

The gift I am choosing is LOVE! The gift I am choosing is that we are together...we can sit side by side and watch as the children delight in ripping open the paper...I can sit next to him in church as we sing Oh Holy Night...I can marvel in the fact that we are able to finally do this...I am choosing LOVE for the "perfect" gift...

just not so sure what to give him to unwrap!

Thanks-giving...

Last year I spent Thanksgiving with my son, Gerard and his family...I remember that it was the first Thanksgiving in 43 years that I truly enjoyed. This year I will be spending the holiday with my family here where I live...I am excited to partake in the festivities...I am excited to make the squash and stuffing...I am present and giving thanks.

I am letting my heart soar...I am breaking the rubber band of old held onto beliefs...I am remembering that we are all connected...that we are each a separate and unique piece of the big picture that we call life...I am counting my blessings...I honor my joy...and I realize that everything that I have and love is here with me in my heart. I know that it always has been, (even if on some days I forget that).

No one, but me has ever been able to stop the love that I hold in my heart for Gerard...just as I hold the love for all those that I love that have passed...I can be sad about not having them here with me or I can choose to know that LOVE is and has been ever present.

So...I celebrate all that I am thankful for...I have much to be grateful for...people who love me without hesitation...people that I love...memories that I will always hold in my heart...and new memories to make....I am looking at the big picture....

I am giving thanks.

HAPPY THANKS-GIVING! 

Birthday Surprise!

A last minute change of plans and I was boarding a train for the 7 hour ride to see my son for his birthday! I was beyond happy with every minute of this ride...he had no idea I was coming...and it was a wonderful surprise...and a fabulous time spent with him and the family...

He took me to the college campus where he went and we walked around the grounds...it was wonderful to be there with him as he shared his stories...and he actually lived in a dorm called KINGS HALL (which just happens to be my maiden name! FUNNY!!)

I made him a book for his birthday...and story for us...and I am going to share the pages now here...

So here are the first of them...This is the cover...


 

 
 

November blessing...

November is the time of year when you really want to reflect on what it is that you are thankful for. We really do need to be aware of our blessings throughout the entire year...but somehow for a lot of us that comes and goes in spurts depending on our mood.

Everyone who knows me realizes that since 1969 November has not been a month of gratitude for me....not until 2012 when Gerard and I were united again. And yet...this year I fell into a bit of a funk in the beginning of the month. WHY? Why would that happen when all I have ever wanted was to have him in my life...and now he is. So why the funk...why the sadness?

I let myself roll around with the sadness for a while...and then it hit me. Although we are united I was not spending his birthday with him this year. How many birthday candles I have missed...how many celebrations have gone by without me being witness to them. Last year was the first year I was with him since his birth...I shouldn't miss a single one...and yet as his birthday approaches (the 15th) I am here in my home...

So...I sit back....I take a moment or two and completely unlock my heart. I open it up and see what it is that I am really thankful for. I know that my gratitude for life does not have to be HUGE...I know that there are so many small things that are overlooked everyday by me or there are those things that I just take for granted. I know that I have said to myself...IF ONLY...I WISH I HAD...IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT OVER...I SHOULD OF...

So today...I unlock my heart...I will do the if only....I will start the wish I had...I will say the things I want to say to those that I love...And I will go forward from here...I will be open to the blessings in my life. I will view a few of them every day. I will let my life and heart open and watch those blessings pile up...

My son and I are united...I know this is a dream come true...and I am truly thankful that I can write this and express how I feel for him...because finally I know him....finally I know his name...finally he is part of my life...

I let the sadness go...

The thread of love...

Last night I spent time with other birth mothers' and adoptees...this was the second time I was in their company...this time with a smaller group I was much more comfortable as we shared our stories together...

we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...

What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...

So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.

When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...

I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.

I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...

I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...

In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...

To the thread of love that has never been broken...

I choose LOVE!

I spent the weekend down on the farm! I wasn't milking a cow or tilling the soil...I was spending time with my son and family! I took my 8 year old grandson who lives in the same city that I do with me to visit with them also (his Uncle, Aunt and 3 Cousins)...A WONDERFUL time was had by all!

While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...

We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?

The more we dwell on  judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?

I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with  my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.

Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...

I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...

I CHOOSE LOVE!

writing...

My son and I have been exchanging letters...We send each other thoughts we have...not about adoption...but rather thoughts about who we are...things that make us think. We send these letters along with very funny card to each other via the US Postal System...SNAIL MAIL. A lost art form...I love writing letters...as does my son...actually I love writing. For many years I denied myself this pleasure...I no longer do that. I submit articles to magazines...I write on several different blogs...and I have an on going column on creativity that started this month on Creativity Portal ...called THE MAGIC CRAYON.

But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...

 
The Little Bird With Two Mothers

By: Patricia J. Mosca

Her nest was all feathered as she awaited the hatching of her egg.

She dreamt of a life her new little one would have. Soaring with the wind, perhaps to heights she could only imagine. She saw a bright and beautiful future for him as she patiently tended to herself and the egg.

The day arrived and the egg hatched. There he was this tiny baby bird of hers. He was perfect in every way. She never realized how much she would love him, and she would sing sweet songs to him. One morning she kissed his head as she prepared to go out into the world in search of food. As she flew she looked back quickly believing that they were both ready for this chapter in their lives.

She hit a cold wind and fell to the ground. Her wings were broken and she could no longer fly. She struggled to get up, but she did not have the strength. What would happen to her little one? Would he grow up and fly as she dreamt? She laid down her head and wept.

At that very moment another bird was flying past the well feathered nest. She saw the little bird there, so tiny and her heart opened wide to him. She fed him and watched over him, taking him under her wings as a mother would do. She nurtured and guided him as he grew and learned to fly. She told him that although she had not prepared the nest for his arrival, she could not possibly love him more than she did. The little bird grew strong and one day he flew to heights that she never imagined possible. He left the nest and went searching for something that was lost to him years before.

One bright sunny day as he rested on a branch of a fine oak tree, he heard the soft singing of a bird. This song awoke something deep within him with its familiar melody. He flew to the branch where the song was coming from and his heart broke wide open.  They knew each other immediately. Her wings were tattered, so he wrapped her up tightly in his as he gently kissed her head. The long search was over, for Mother and Son were united once more.

He was blessed with two Mothers. Two mothers who loved him. Two mothers who knew he would soar to great heights on the wings of their love.