"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It turns a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie
I am taking an online class...and this quote came across my inbox as part of the principles of this class that I am working on bringing more into my life. As I read this quote and thought about what I would write here today, I realized that I have a great deal to be grateful for regarding not only reuniting with Gerard, but also about the adoption it self.
The quote tells me that "gratitude makes sense of our past"...for years I held onto the belief that I was not grateful for the adoption...I was actually down right angry with it...I was angry with myself...I was angry with my sweetheart...I was angry with not being able to have the "happily ever after"...I was angry with the way society viewed unmarried Mothers...I was angry with the system...
But today, because of the reuniting with Gerard, I am grateful...I am making sense of my past. I realize more than ever that the choice that was made in 1969 was made from my heart...and although I felt as if I was "forced" into that decision by a great many outside forces, I believe that it was the RIGHT thing to do for Gerard...for his parents...for myself. I doubt I would be feeling this way had we not reunited...
So here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...
1. I am grateful that Gerard was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.
2. I am grateful for his parents...for being there for Gerard...for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.
3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised...I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.
5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a strong bond of love...for being an active part of his life and his families life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.
I release the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...
stories...
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
Not for the faint at heart...
" The future doesn't belong to the faint-hearted; it belongs to the brave." ~ Ronald Reagan
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up to...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece.
As I talked about yesterday...I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but Gerard did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...when I did register we both received paperwork that provided us with each others names and addresses...but we both needed to be registered in order to receive this information...
Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...
One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...
they must be brave...
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up to...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece.
As I talked about yesterday...I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but Gerard did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...when I did register we both received paperwork that provided us with each others names and addresses...but we both needed to be registered in order to receive this information...
Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...
One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...
they must be brave...
Rights...
Amendment XIV.
(Ratified July 9, 1868)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
I do understand a child not having information before they are ready to handle it...I do understand that not all children are told that they are adopted till later in life...
what I do not understand is WHY an adult does not have the RIGHT to have this information...
SUPPORT THE ADOPTEE BILL OF RIGHTS BILL!
(Ratified July 9, 1868)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Does a birth certificate fall under the wording of "property"? Does an adoptee/birth parent fall under the wording of "any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws"?
Birth Certificate:
Do you have yours? You know the one with the State seal on it? I had to get a new one several years ago when I wanted to get my passport...it was an easy process, I went down to the records building...filled out the proper paper work...showed my drivers licenses...paid my $30 and within minutes I had a crisp new birth certificate...showing my name at birth...my birth parents names...where I was born...yes I was a citizen of the United States of America.
Now, imagine that you are adopted...that birth certificate has been amended...it now holds the names of your adopted parents as your birth parents...nothing else has been altered...you were still born in the proper city and your date of birth is correct...now imagine that you are an adult adoptee who wishes to find out the name of your birth parents...imagine you would like family history medical information (we all have to fill out those forms at any Doctors' office)...now imagine that the state has decided that you CANNOT have this information! What would you do? How would you feel? Is it right that your original birth certificate has been locked away and that YOU are not privy to it?
That is the reality in most states regarding birth certificates for adoptees. The perpetual cycle of the "secret" is still being kept. Why? They claim it is because we birth Mothers signed papers that said we WANTED to be kept a "secret"...I truly do not believe that we had a choice in whether we signed that paper or not...it was part of the packet...part of the process...I know that I certainly would not have signed that paper had I not been told that it was part of making the adoption legal.
New York State is one of many states that still has the sealed records in place...but there is a bill that is hoping to get to the floor that will open these birth certificates up to adult adoptees. I realize that most people have no idea what bills are up for voting on by our elected officials...unless of course it directly affects you...The Adoptees Rights bill for NY is : A909/S2490A
Isn't it time we come together for change and get NY to recognize ALL of its citizens, whether they are adopted or not? EVERYONE should have the RIGHT to their original birth certificate.
After I was reunited with my son, I went back to the records building...filled out the proper paper work with his birth name on it and showed my ID...I waited...I waited...people kept checking the computer...finally the manager of the department came to me and said..."are you sure you have the right information?" YES... "is this certificate part of an adoption?" YES..."I'm sorry then, that information is NOT available to you"...Next I tried to get hospital records...I know that they have to keep a record of all births and deaths...but I was told that those records are only kept for 25 years...and that because my son was now 42 he would have to request them himself (wait didn't you just tell me that you did not have them anymore?!)
Recently my thoughts have gone to these records more and more, as I am meeting more adoptees and birth mothers....Why does the original birth certificate have to be a "secret"?..Why is it that the person it truly belongs to is NOT allowed to have it as an adult? Why does the original birth certificate have to be altered? Why can't instead of an altered birth certificate the new certificate be just that: A Certificate of Adoption or instead of "birth mother/father" it clearly states "adoptive mother/father"? (weren't we told that adoption was a good and wonderful thing?) I do understand a child not having information before they are ready to handle it...I do understand that not all children are told that they are adopted till later in life...
what I do not understand is WHY an adult does not have the RIGHT to have this information...
SUPPORT THE ADOPTEE BILL OF RIGHTS BILL!
Smiling...
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all which have the potential to turn a life around."
~ Leo F. Buscaglia
Today would of been my husband's 64th birthday...he passed away just before his 62nd one...
~ Leo F. Buscaglia
Today would of been my husband's 64th birthday...he passed away just before his 62nd one...
Today, I will honor his birthday...I will celebrate his life...I will celebrate my time with him...I will celebrate, and although I miss him terribly I will not be sad...for what would my life have been had I not had him in it? Does that mean that the age old saying of: "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" hold true in this case...well, I suppose it does!
A year after my husband passed was when I reunited with Gerard...I look at it as my husbands gift to me...I believe that he watches over me...I have said before that he was a big supporter of mine...he held my hand and dried my tears over the years that we were together when I would sink into a depression over the adoption...I think of that depression today and I realize a great many things...
I am not an "angry" birth mother... but rather I believe that I was a "sad" birth mother...I believe that the depression came from the fact that I had no idea how he was...I had no idea if he was well and happy...if I could get a glimpse into his life perhaps that would of helped...but then perhaps that would of hurt more...I always held in my heart that his parents loved him dearly...that he was provided for and loved beyond measure...and I am happy to know now that he was!
Today as I celebrate I know that my good husband is smiling down on me...smiling because he is not forgotten...smiling because he gave ME a gift of LOVE!
Smiling because there is so much love surrounding me today...
Education...
"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."
~ Nelson Mandela
Over the past week I have witnessed myself being judgemental...and that judgement went in several directions...
1. I met a young woman who is now in her mid 30's...her daughter is graduating from high school this year...this is such an exciting time in both of their lives...and yet her Mother knows that this is the beginning of letting go so that her daughter's wings will completely unfurl. Her daughter is a good student...well adjusted...and her Mother is college educated...and her Mother was only 16 years old when she was born...I applaud her for making the decision to keep her child...I applaud her for making a life for the two of them (she has other children also)...
2. I talked to a grandmother...a grandmother and grandfather who are raising their grandson. Their daughter gave birth when she was 15 years old...she decided that she would keep her son...but things got hectic fast as any Mother knows...there are sleepless nights...YOU no longer come first...so you don't get to go to the parties and the movies with your friends, anymore...and it became overwhelming for her...she ran away, leaving her son in her parents care...she entrusted him legally to them to raise...and now after 7 years she has decided that she wants him back...she has enjoyed all the fun times of celebrating with her son...but she has left all the work to her parents...So, where do I stand on this? I applaud the grandparents for stepping in and stepping up to a situation that they had hoped would be different...and this is their daughter...but now 7 years later should she be able to come in and take a child from the only stable home he has ever known? I can honestly say that I do not think so...but that now is in the hands of the court system...and my heart breaks for all of them.
3. I met a 14 year old girl who was strolling a baby, on a beautiful Spring day...a darling baby, and I could not help but stop them and coo over her...I assumed that this young girl was this babies sister...I assumed wrong...this child was all decked out in the latest Nike shoes...the perfect outfit...looking more like a little doll than a child...I asked her how she liked being a Mother...her reply struck me as that of a 14 year old girl..."I love being a Mother...I love dressing her up and taking her out and showing her off"...She said her parents help her take care of the baby because she could not do this on her own...HUMMM...makes me wonder which way it will turn out...like #1 or #2....
No two situations are the same...which made me think about education...
The Day After pill is now available for girls over the counter at 14 years old....and now condoms line the shelves at the grocery store...and in bathroom machines...birth control is readily available in some schools...there are classes in school where girls and boys are given a computerized doll that they have to take care of...the baby cries and needs attention like a real baby, and if you don't meet its needs somehow it is recorded...and yet all kids know this is just a doll...this is not real life. The worse thing that happens is that you fail the class if you don't properly take care of the doll.
Education...the cornerstone of life in some ways...parenthood cannot be taught...it is something I believe that comes with being strong enough and old enough to allow another human being to come before our self...now, that does not have an age limit...it could be that a 14 year old has that capability...I have met some 30 year olds' who still don't have it....
I remember when I was a junior in high school we had a class called Hygiene...it was there that we were given the "facts of life" with a series of movies and class discussions about reproduction...I remember that I wrote a paper on how I thought that premartial sex was wrong...and yet a year later I was pregnant...what I do not remember about that class was anyone telling me about taking precautions...about what the choices might be if you became pregnant...about the sacrifices that a parent must make for their children...
I thought about my own experience with talking to my children about the heart break that I carried because I entrusted my first born...I talked to them about the importance of "safe" sex...because we all know the reality of our teenagers having sex...I thought about talking to the girls who were pregnant when I was in my 20's and how adoption was a wonderful option to their unplanned pregnancy (I dislike the phrase "unwanted pregnacy") and yet it was a decision that should come about because that is what they really want in their hearts, because there were long term emotions that they would deal with that came along with that decision. I thought about how perhaps when the school is teaching this "parenting" class perhaps they might get a hold of a local organization that consists of "searchers"...birthmothers..adoptees who are looking for the missing piece of their lives and the long term effect that has had on them...
No two situations are the same...but education seems to be the key.
new ending...
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard
I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that Gerard and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...
2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...
Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...
I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with Gerard...this is our time...
this is the beginning of our brand new ending...
I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that Gerard and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...
2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...
Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...
I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with Gerard...this is our time...
this is the beginning of our brand new ending...
a widening circle...
"Our family is a circle of love and strength. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every obstacle faced together makes the circle stronger."
~Unknown
~Unknown
I received a phone call from Gerard in the early afternoon yesterday...what a wonderful surprise to hear from him during working hours...We had a brief chat and he told me that the real reason for his call was that he needed his sisters' address. My first thought was "I don't know your sisters' address". He has a sister and a brother in his NY family...and he has a sister and brother here in upstate. But my mind went first to his sister in NY...and then FLASH...Oh...your sister here! And I gave him his sisters address...the address of my daughter.
I smiled after I hung up...I laughed at myself...I danced a little around the house! Everything is still so new! Gerard is my son ...and he is ALSO my daughter and my sons older brother...He is not the middle child here (as he is in NY)... he is the older brother...he is my grandsons uncle...he is my mothers grandson...he is my siblings nephew...he is now really a part of this family also...
And it got me to thinking about how many people adoption affects...of course we automatically think of the birth mother...the adoptee...the adoptive family...but it goes so much farther than that doesn't it? I don't believe that I have ever thought too much about it...I have always just considered it to be the triad...
However, it has an impact on all family members. I remember when I told my Mother I was pregnant and her reaction and apparent disconnection...I realize now that she was protecting herself from the pain of losing her first grandchild...when I told her we reunited she was SO happy...she said that I deserved to know him/and him me...There are my other children who have known about him since they were teens...but now he actually is part of our lives...there are the feelings that they have gone through about having to suddenly really share me...there are my siblings and their extended families that are happy for us...and friends...all this happiness...and yet none of the loss...grief...or guilt was ever talked about before...There is Gerard's entire family...his wife and children...his parents...his siblings...nieces and nephews...there were grandparents and aunts and uncles...and all the emotions they must be going through...
The last time that the number of adoptions in the United States was compiled was in 1992...the number was 126,951. This number included all adoptions...international, foster, private agency, private lawyer and step-parent adoptions. Statics gathered say that 58% of Americans know someone who has been adopted...has adopted...or who has relinquish a child...that's a lot of people.
As my thoughts go around this today, I am aware that I never really considered how others would react not only to my reuniting but also with the fact that I had entrusted him in the first place...I never really looked at it through anyone eyes other than my own. I see now that the circle widens with age... parents, siblings, extended family members...close friends is just the beginning...
Our circle growing wider and ever stronger every day...
beginning the world again...
Every child begins the world again….
~Henry David Thoreau
As I am learning to forgive myself...learning to forgive the circumstances surrounding entrusting my son to the adoption system...learning to move forward with joy in my heart...I am becoming more and more aware of the individuality of each of us. We all know it...but rarely do you recognize it and honor it...You often hear people saying.."oh, you are just like your mother/father" or "you get that from ..." (a member of your family) but who really talks about the heart of a person?
As Gerard was growing up with his family I often thought about who he might look like...or if he had a love of reading or a big sense of humor...what color hair did he have or if he loved school or was he an artist... I also knew that I might never know the answer to any of these questions and so many more that rumbled around in my head over the years...I knew that I could not undo what had been done, I had entrusted him to his parents to raise...and although he has a great many traits that I see and acknowledge as genetic...he also has a great many core values that came from the way he was raised (at least this is what I believe).
During different times in the last 43 years I have felt that I did not have a right to search for my son. Many of those feelings came from guilt and hurt...but some came from the fact that I did sign documents that gave up my legal rights and responsibilities...so did that mean that I gave up the emotional and spiritual ties I had for him also? I never forgot him...I never let him go...I never stopped wondering how he was or where he was...healthy? happy? No amount of time could take that away from me...he was always with me spiritually...he was always in my heart...he is a part of who I am.
Being reunited has begun the healing process for me. I reached out to Gerard in love...not to hurt anyone nor did I think that somehow I was entitled to now because he was an adult...I have said many times, and I will continue to say how blessed I have been...Our reuniting has been perfect, and the relationship we are forming is wonderful.
When we first reunited I went though a time when I wished I could go back and do it over ..but this time it would be different...this time I would raise him...this time I would nurture my newborn for more than 2 days...another stage I went through was that I wanted to be "available" for him all the time...I wanted to be in constant contact with him...I wanted him to know I was there for him..I felt needy sometimes and very protective...just like every new mother feels about their new born child...because even though he is an adult...I felt like a "new" mother with all the emotional responses of one.
I am more relaxed now...I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself about the adoption...or my regrets...I am no longer afraid that I am going to lose him again...I have accepted that I cannot "mother" him...there are still moments that pull at my heart and I wish that things could of been different, but I am not letting that weigh me down...the guilt and the hurt is being washed away...It is being replaced with the wish to have a positive relationship with him...a closeness...to nurture him with unconditional love...just as every mother wants to do with their adult child...
The torn piece of my heart is mending...no longer wide open...it is becoming a scar, which I suppose I will always carry with me... but being reunited has given me a new attitude toward adoption...it is no longer a dark secret that has to be hidden away...all this is coming about with patience...with understanding...and with BIG LOVE! ( a saying that my daughter-in-law is so fond of saying)
Today, I come full circle again...full circle to his parents...to the way he was raised and his core values...knowing that they helped him have a good and positive outlook on the adoption process...knowing that they told him that I loved him...knowing that he was given permission to carry me in his heart.
Gerards' heart is good...he has a positive outlook on life...he laughs and he makes me laugh...he is kind and caring...he is thoughtful and sentimental...(yes...I am a proud mother...and boy do I love to talk about and praise my children!) I love him for the person that he is...the fact that I did not raise him does not change that love in any way...
Every child does indeed begin the world again...but what I have found is that it can be a 43 year old child that can do that just as much as a 3 day old child.
My world has indeed begun again...
~Henry David Thoreau
As I am learning to forgive myself...learning to forgive the circumstances surrounding entrusting my son to the adoption system...learning to move forward with joy in my heart...I am becoming more and more aware of the individuality of each of us. We all know it...but rarely do you recognize it and honor it...You often hear people saying.."oh, you are just like your mother/father" or "you get that from ..." (a member of your family) but who really talks about the heart of a person?
As Gerard was growing up with his family I often thought about who he might look like...or if he had a love of reading or a big sense of humor...what color hair did he have or if he loved school or was he an artist... I also knew that I might never know the answer to any of these questions and so many more that rumbled around in my head over the years...I knew that I could not undo what had been done, I had entrusted him to his parents to raise...and although he has a great many traits that I see and acknowledge as genetic...he also has a great many core values that came from the way he was raised (at least this is what I believe).
During different times in the last 43 years I have felt that I did not have a right to search for my son. Many of those feelings came from guilt and hurt...but some came from the fact that I did sign documents that gave up my legal rights and responsibilities...so did that mean that I gave up the emotional and spiritual ties I had for him also? I never forgot him...I never let him go...I never stopped wondering how he was or where he was...healthy? happy? No amount of time could take that away from me...he was always with me spiritually...he was always in my heart...he is a part of who I am.
Being reunited has begun the healing process for me. I reached out to Gerard in love...not to hurt anyone nor did I think that somehow I was entitled to now because he was an adult...I have said many times, and I will continue to say how blessed I have been...Our reuniting has been perfect, and the relationship we are forming is wonderful.
When we first reunited I went though a time when I wished I could go back and do it over ..but this time it would be different...this time I would raise him...this time I would nurture my newborn for more than 2 days...another stage I went through was that I wanted to be "available" for him all the time...I wanted to be in constant contact with him...I wanted him to know I was there for him..I felt needy sometimes and very protective...just like every new mother feels about their new born child...because even though he is an adult...I felt like a "new" mother with all the emotional responses of one.
I am more relaxed now...I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself about the adoption...or my regrets...I am no longer afraid that I am going to lose him again...I have accepted that I cannot "mother" him...there are still moments that pull at my heart and I wish that things could of been different, but I am not letting that weigh me down...the guilt and the hurt is being washed away...It is being replaced with the wish to have a positive relationship with him...a closeness...to nurture him with unconditional love...just as every mother wants to do with their adult child...
The torn piece of my heart is mending...no longer wide open...it is becoming a scar, which I suppose I will always carry with me... but being reunited has given me a new attitude toward adoption...it is no longer a dark secret that has to be hidden away...all this is coming about with patience...with understanding...and with BIG LOVE! ( a saying that my daughter-in-law is so fond of saying)
Today, I come full circle again...full circle to his parents...to the way he was raised and his core values...knowing that they helped him have a good and positive outlook on the adoption process...knowing that they told him that I loved him...knowing that he was given permission to carry me in his heart.
Gerards' heart is good...he has a positive outlook on life...he laughs and he makes me laugh...he is kind and caring...he is thoughtful and sentimental...(yes...I am a proud mother...and boy do I love to talk about and praise my children!) I love him for the person that he is...the fact that I did not raise him does not change that love in any way...
Every child does indeed begin the world again...but what I have found is that it can be a 43 year old child that can do that just as much as a 3 day old child.
My world has indeed begun again...
moment to moment...
“Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.”
~ William Arthur Ward
A year has passed since that first nervous phone call...A year that on some days seems to have flown by...on others as if it was just yesterday...We celebrated our "anniversary" with cards and a book for Gerard...and the most heart warming voice mail of the entire family singing "Happy Anniversary" to me. Then on May 11th with Gerard calling me for "Birth Mother's Day" and then on Mother's Day also...there were cards and gifts...but most importantly there was LOVE!
What I am learning over this past year could fill a book. One thing is that our lives are constantly in motion...and change is a constant element of that motion. That the shifts in our energy are the direct result of our choices. It could be an intention we have for ourselves...a change in our perspective, seeing things from a different view...or forgiveness...all have the ability to change our lives in a blink of an eye...when we think positive thoughts our world becomes brighter and happier. All we have to do is make that our goal because with each passing moment we are given so many opportunities to create change with nothing more than a thought. If we bear in mind that all that we think and do shapes the life that we know, than we can chose positive thoughts instead of negative ones.
The choices that we make from moment to moment allows us to grow...grow as a person...grow in a relationship...grow spiritually...with our thoughts and actions we go through different stages of our growth...like flowers and leaves some of the growth cannot be seen at first...but with time they become visible...colorful...soft and releasing. And with the proper warmth from ourselves we can unfold little by little, revealing a new shape...a new color...a new dimension of our self.
Appreciating the full beauty of the different stages of change we can learn to be gentle with ourselves...we can learn to nurture ourselves...we can learn to believe in ourselves. Every moment has its own beauty...we must feel the wisdom contained in the budding and the blossoming...and then we can begin to feel it everywhere...in each moment that comes and goes...in every hello and goodbye...in each morning and night...for life, is full of its own ebbs and flows....and it is our choice how we ride the waves.
I am learning all this as my relationship grows with my son and his family...I am learning to let go of "bad" thoughts I have held onto about myself due to entrusting my son to adoption...I am learning that I am the maker of my happiness...I am learning how to participate better...how to care more for myself and others without fear...how to practice what I am learning every day...how to be kinder...and how to forgive myself...
I am learning...
~ William Arthur Ward
A year has passed since that first nervous phone call...A year that on some days seems to have flown by...on others as if it was just yesterday...We celebrated our "anniversary" with cards and a book for Gerard...and the most heart warming voice mail of the entire family singing "Happy Anniversary" to me. Then on May 11th with Gerard calling me for "Birth Mother's Day" and then on Mother's Day also...there were cards and gifts...but most importantly there was LOVE!
What I am learning over this past year could fill a book. One thing is that our lives are constantly in motion...and change is a constant element of that motion. That the shifts in our energy are the direct result of our choices. It could be an intention we have for ourselves...a change in our perspective, seeing things from a different view...or forgiveness...all have the ability to change our lives in a blink of an eye...when we think positive thoughts our world becomes brighter and happier. All we have to do is make that our goal because with each passing moment we are given so many opportunities to create change with nothing more than a thought. If we bear in mind that all that we think and do shapes the life that we know, than we can chose positive thoughts instead of negative ones.
The choices that we make from moment to moment allows us to grow...grow as a person...grow in a relationship...grow spiritually...with our thoughts and actions we go through different stages of our growth...like flowers and leaves some of the growth cannot be seen at first...but with time they become visible...colorful...soft and releasing. And with the proper warmth from ourselves we can unfold little by little, revealing a new shape...a new color...a new dimension of our self.
Appreciating the full beauty of the different stages of change we can learn to be gentle with ourselves...we can learn to nurture ourselves...we can learn to believe in ourselves. Every moment has its own beauty...we must feel the wisdom contained in the budding and the blossoming...and then we can begin to feel it everywhere...in each moment that comes and goes...in every hello and goodbye...in each morning and night...for life, is full of its own ebbs and flows....and it is our choice how we ride the waves.
I am learning all this as my relationship grows with my son and his family...I am learning to let go of "bad" thoughts I have held onto about myself due to entrusting my son to adoption...I am learning that I am the maker of my happiness...I am learning how to participate better...how to care more for myself and others without fear...how to practice what I am learning every day...how to be kinder...and how to forgive myself...
I am learning...
just because...
| "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr Seuss | |
The funny thing about a "secret" is once you let it go you feel liberated in a lot of ways...and it suddenly becomes safe for others to tell their "secret". It is like a snowball effect....it gets larger and larger. I have had the privilege of not only sharing my story about adoption with others now for the past year with great joy, but I have also had the privilege of hearing other peoples stories. Had I NOT contacted an old friend on facebook who knows if I would be writing here today. No two stories are the same...but each one has been told from the heart.
I have also read a few "adoption" books...stories of other peoples' feelings about adoption...theories about how adoptees...birth mothers...adopted families feel and how adoption has affected their lives...some of these books were written by Doctors and others written by either birth mothers or adoptees...and what I found is that very little of what most of them wrote mirrored Gerard's and my story...and most of them led the reader to believe that ALL adoptees and birth mothers felt the same...angry...depressed...lacking...and although I can relate to some of what they say...I rarely believe that I feel such resentment as they describe...nor does Gerard.
I am finding that Gerard is much more adjusted with being adopted than I am about entrusting him to the adoption (but I am consciously working on that) What I have found from reading and talking is that: EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!
A photo...
"Happiness is not so much in having or sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." ~ Norman MacEwan
It was now the month of March...the longest period of absent time we had gone since our meeting in July (although we talk to each other once a week and I am in touch by texting with my daughter-in-law and grandchildren and sometimes we skype!)...It had been 8 weeks since I was last at my sons' house. I was going to spend another "first" with them. I was going to celebrate the birthday of my oldest grand daughter (who was born on the same day as my own Dad, she would be turning 14 ) and my oldest grand son (who would be turning 11). It was so wonderful to once again be in all of their company...I feel so at home when I am there...this is my family and I love them all dearly...and it feels so natural...so normal, as if it has always been like this. (I suppose in some ways it has in my heart)
While there Gerard shared boxes full of memories with me...school documents...report cards and journals that he kept when he was young...college papers. He had saved so many things and now I was getting another glimpse into his life, his younger life...I had brought one thing with me to share with him...I brought a picture of his Father at the age of 30 (his Father and I had gotten together when we were both 30 for dinner and he gave me the picture...I was not sure why at the time, but I do know now that it was because I was suppose to share it with Gerard). I gave it to him...he said nothing...he made a copy, I told him he could keep the original, but he chose not to, and then he gave me a sheet of paper and an envelope...I wrote down his Fathers name and where he lived...and he sealed the envelope. When and if he wanted to open it...he now had it in his possession, and did not have to ask me for the copy I had in my strong box.
When I returned home, I started getting fearful again...why was I so fearful of giving him his Fathers name and address? Why was I questioning that? Did he not deserve to know who he was? Did I think that somehow I would not be as important in his life if he contacted his Father? Was I fearful for him at the reaction that he might get from his Father should he contact him? The answer to all these questions was YES! And because I was trying very hard to let go of the past...to stay ever present I decided that I would write Gerard the following letter...but instead of sending it by snail mail...I sent an E mail so that he would get it quickly.
| |
Dear Gerard,
I am readjusting to being home once again...although it gets better each time I return from a visit it is still an adjustment. This morning I have quite a few things running around in my mind that I want to talk with you about.
I am thinking about the picture of your Father that I gave to you and how you did not have anything to say about it when I presented it to you...I am thinking about writing his name down in a sealed envelope for you...I am thinking about whether or not you would tell me if you opened that envelope,or even if that is my business...
I have to be truly honest with myself...why did I take so long to look for that photo? The answer I came up with is that I honestly thought it was in your best interest not to...I thought that just meeting me was enough to handle at the moment...I thought that I wanted to keep you all to myself after his reaction to our reuniting...I thought that I wanted to protect you....
I wonder today if that wasn't a selfish act on my part...If I was projecting how I was feeling about him onto you...I wonder today if the decision naturally needs to be yours without my input..
As we both believe, each of the choices we make every day has the potential to impact our lives. Some choices touch us to our very core...awakening poignant feelings within us. Others seem at first to be simple but prove to be confusingly complex. All these questions and my thoughts seem to fall into this category today. I am not sure if I approached the decision making process from a balanced emotional and intellectual foundation, when it comes to your Father. Have I achieved equilibrium in my heart and mind so that I could clearly see both sides?
Balance within and balance without go hand in hand. It seems as if I have been called to choose between two options...to give you the photo and name or not to...Whether this is attractive or distasteful to me should not come into play. In the beginning I was not coming to the decision from a place of balance...so my choice now seems as if it was overly emotional...So I took a time-out before deciding to share with you...right or wrong it gave me ample opportunity to determine that sharing was in accordance with my values...that everyone has the right to know who they are according to their heritage and birth.
I cannot project upon you the feelings of 43 years ago...In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person...I carried that thought around with me for so many years...but today, I am sitting with my feelings rather than ignoring them. It is often easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this might initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior...or at least for me that seems to hold true. Not being honest we place our self in the position of victim. I no longer wish that to be part of my life story...
I am choosing to end this karmic chain by acknowledging that I forgive the 17 year old boy, who is your Father. By doing this I take a deep breath...I am gentle...I am compassionate....with my 18 year old self also. Trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. Today, I am writing from a place of great honesty...
Though I am somewhat self-aware (and growing more into that) I have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to my experiences. Since our reuniting I am also finding that the significance I perceive in my experiences is rooted in my observation of patterns as they relate to me. One situation has the power to teach me about life because it exposes me to something unfamiliar...another touches my emotions deeply by enabling me to see how fortunate I am. My initial impression of an experience may not wholly reveal the true significance of that occurrence because our full response to an experience is like an onion with many layers that all have different meanings.
So today, I am taking time to examine my experience closer...and I am discovering that my original impression is only part of a larger story of significance. Peeling away the layers, I relive that experience, your adoption, in my mind's eye...from as many perspectives as possible...knowing that this situation is based on only my facts...my feelings...my belief and my values.
The significance of an experience may remain hidden for a long time. The meaning of an event can change when viewed from another context...If I truly open my mind and my heart ...if I do not shy away from the painfulness...I am finding a peace with it...for I have found you...I am whole...but that is my story only...and I cannot speak for anyone else.
I am learning to trust and be trusted which is helping me remain committed to others. Trusting people is one of the most difficult challenges in my life since there is always the fear of getting hurt. If we do not trust ourselves we are not offering others our full attention...
So, I shared those two things with you because our relationship is full of trust...it is full of unconditional love and support.
I love you Gerard.
Love,
Mom
I was finally allowing myself to turn a corner...
questioning myself...
It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can
finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands
knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong
After returning home I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor...you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...
You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.
Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...
"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...
These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...
I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.
This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with Gerard...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with Gerard, my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.
Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he know that we all love him.)
We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.
And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me? most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"
He wrote a short note inside...
"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."
BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!
I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...
and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...
After returning home I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor...you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...
You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.
Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...
"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...
These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...
I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.
This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with Gerard...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with Gerard, my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.
Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he know that we all love him.)
We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.
And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me? most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"
He wrote a short note inside...
"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."
BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!
I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...
and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...
Christmas/New Years...
"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now." ~unknown
I took the 8 hour train ride to NYC...the plane fare was far to much at this time of year...I could return by plane (an hour flight!) as it would be after the holidays. It took me quite some time to pack that extra suitcase full of Christmas gifts...each one was purchased with a lot of thought and great love...I also had my daughter-in-laws January birthday gift...It was fairly easy to buy for the grandchildren...even for my daughter-in-law...but for my son...for our first Christmas together....this gift had to come directly from my heart.
I decided that I would make him a journal...I filled it with all the e mails that we exchanged before we finally met each other in July, I painted each page and brought it to the life and love I felt each time I read one of those e mails...I also gave him a small wind up toy (because we love the toys!) and a book on how to make a working paper clock...the other gift that I gave him was a compass that was in a rosewood box, when you opened the box it was engraved with: We have been found. Love, Mom 2012. (in one of his e mails he made that statement..."We have been found"...I still get goose bumps when I say that out loud!)
I received a wonderful candy dish with a bird perched on the top...and several bags of peanut M & M's (both favorite things of mine) My son said that the gift he had for me was not completed yet...For he was also making me something. I watched him as he finished making my gift, I loved seeing him as he was doing this creative work...It is a night light that I put by the side of my bed...but it is no ordinary night light...it was the first hand made gift from my son and it also carried a message from his heart...
I wrote the following as another article for Adoption Voices Magazine:
As parents we have all received hand made Christmas presents from our children. They always pull at your heart strings, and you keep them forever. They usually are hand prints in plaster, trivets made from Popsicle sticks, or the stick figure drawing of a happy family. As a mother to a son who was entrusted to the adoption system, I had not received such a gift, until this year.
Forty three years later.
As we celebrated our first Christmas as a reunited family, my son decided to make a gift for me. He made me a bedside lamp that holds words that we both believe in. “There is always a choice.” However, he went a step further and added, “thank you for choosing me.”
As I contemplated these two sets of words, I thought about the choices I have made in my life. There are choices and actions that lead us in different directions and it is through those choices and actions that we create our reality. Sometimes we choose to do something that takes us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for our self. (Such as I did 43 years ago when I would rather have chosen the “happily ever-after” route that was not available to me.) When we do that we tend to feel a variety of different emotions…uneasy…unhappy and unsure. All emotions that I have carried with me for the last 43 years, along with quite a few others.
“Thank you for choosing me.” These words touch me deeply, they open up a flood of emotions. They strike a chord that allows me to really feel for the first time that the choice I made so long ago was the right one. That the choice of entrusting my son to adoption did not harm us. That despite time and distance it did not break a bond that we share. That by choosing him, by allowing him to come first, I was able to provide him with a family that consists of two mothers who love him.
I believe that an important part of our spiritual unfolding requires that we grow beyond our choices and take responsibility for our self on our own terms. We are all decision makers, and every moment provides us with the opportunity to move in the direction of our higher self. It is a choice we each must make for our self sooner or later.
Although I thought I had made that transition, I realize that I had not done it completely. Not until a hand made gift from my son came my way. A hand made gift that through words has released me from the feelings I had been holding on to. A hand made gift that allows me to stop and breathe; to come back to my center; and to realize that we are finally a family.
My son thanks me for choosing him …
I thank him for accepting me!
I am not sure why, but this time that we were together was very emotional for me...there was a bit of melancholy, and this parting was extremely rough on me...Once home I had to figure out what was going on with me...why was I all of a sudden so sad...and so fearful...
I was about to confront some of my demons...
I took the 8 hour train ride to NYC...the plane fare was far to much at this time of year...I could return by plane (an hour flight!) as it would be after the holidays. It took me quite some time to pack that extra suitcase full of Christmas gifts...each one was purchased with a lot of thought and great love...I also had my daughter-in-laws January birthday gift...It was fairly easy to buy for the grandchildren...even for my daughter-in-law...but for my son...for our first Christmas together....this gift had to come directly from my heart.
I decided that I would make him a journal...I filled it with all the e mails that we exchanged before we finally met each other in July, I painted each page and brought it to the life and love I felt each time I read one of those e mails...I also gave him a small wind up toy (because we love the toys!) and a book on how to make a working paper clock...the other gift that I gave him was a compass that was in a rosewood box, when you opened the box it was engraved with: We have been found. Love, Mom 2012. (in one of his e mails he made that statement..."We have been found"...I still get goose bumps when I say that out loud!)
I received a wonderful candy dish with a bird perched on the top...and several bags of peanut M & M's (both favorite things of mine) My son said that the gift he had for me was not completed yet...For he was also making me something. I watched him as he finished making my gift, I loved seeing him as he was doing this creative work...It is a night light that I put by the side of my bed...but it is no ordinary night light...it was the first hand made gift from my son and it also carried a message from his heart...
I wrote the following as another article for Adoption Voices Magazine:
As parents we have all received hand made Christmas presents from our children. They always pull at your heart strings, and you keep them forever. They usually are hand prints in plaster, trivets made from Popsicle sticks, or the stick figure drawing of a happy family. As a mother to a son who was entrusted to the adoption system, I had not received such a gift, until this year.
Forty three years later.
As we celebrated our first Christmas as a reunited family, my son decided to make a gift for me. He made me a bedside lamp that holds words that we both believe in. “There is always a choice.” However, he went a step further and added, “thank you for choosing me.”
As I contemplated these two sets of words, I thought about the choices I have made in my life. There are choices and actions that lead us in different directions and it is through those choices and actions that we create our reality. Sometimes we choose to do something that takes us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for our self. (Such as I did 43 years ago when I would rather have chosen the “happily ever-after” route that was not available to me.) When we do that we tend to feel a variety of different emotions…uneasy…unhappy and unsure. All emotions that I have carried with me for the last 43 years, along with quite a few others.
“Thank you for choosing me.” These words touch me deeply, they open up a flood of emotions. They strike a chord that allows me to really feel for the first time that the choice I made so long ago was the right one. That the choice of entrusting my son to adoption did not harm us. That despite time and distance it did not break a bond that we share. That by choosing him, by allowing him to come first, I was able to provide him with a family that consists of two mothers who love him.
I believe that an important part of our spiritual unfolding requires that we grow beyond our choices and take responsibility for our self on our own terms. We are all decision makers, and every moment provides us with the opportunity to move in the direction of our higher self. It is a choice we each must make for our self sooner or later.
Although I thought I had made that transition, I realize that I had not done it completely. Not until a hand made gift from my son came my way. A hand made gift that through words has released me from the feelings I had been holding on to. A hand made gift that allows me to stop and breathe; to come back to my center; and to realize that we are finally a family.
My son thanks me for choosing him …
I thank him for accepting me!
I am not sure why, but this time that we were together was very emotional for me...there was a bit of melancholy, and this parting was extremely rough on me...Once home I had to figure out what was going on with me...why was I all of a sudden so sad...and so fearful...
I was about to confront some of my demons...
November's miracle...
"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him." ~ Pablo Casals
Here we were rapidly approaching November...it was fall and for the first time in 43 years I was not sinking into a deep depression. For the first time in 43 years I was actually looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday...
For the second time in 43 years I would be with my son on his birthday!
My life had changed so much for the better in the past 6 months. I was feeling complete...my life was coming full circle...I was able to show love to my son and family and feel loved. I had received a miracle and I could no longer hold on to the sins or resentment of the past. I was building a new life...WE were building a new life together...a future...one day...one new memory at a time.
I was learning so much about myself...one thing is that we can get hurt in so many ways. No one is immune to it and it is only natural to build walls to protect our broken hearts. I had been doing that for 43 years. By letting my heart be tainted with resentment I had been stopping some of the flow of love out of my heart and allowing some poison into my inner space. I had perfected the "fight or flight" response whenever I felt "wronged". My nervous system would go into overdrive and then BOOM...my heart would be racing, my respiratory rate increased, my stomach ached and my natural self repair mechanism got flipped off... I knew how to come out of the corner with my gloves on ready to defend myself and I knew how to turn on my heels and walk out the door...I learned how to do this in order to protect myself from hurt...I had become a master at it after 43 years.
Forgiveness is a fundamental part of living a happy...balanced...joyful life. I know that every negative thought that I had about myself kept me from being truly happy. Resentment contaminates the soul...it would distance me not only from myself but also from others. Forgiveness is an offering of grace and with grace comes emotional freedom...a liberation from the downward spiral of negativity that resentment brings and gives us the opportunity for personal redemption. I was FINALLY given the blessing to allow myself to heal and forgive. That blessing was my son. I was opening a new door...I was happier than I had been in 43 years...I was bringing positive things and feelings my way.
Resentment prevents miracles...while love and grace foster them. When one is operating from a place of love...molecules rearrange themselves...time and space reconfigure...miracles happen! Grace is not something that can be earned...it is an act of unconditional love and faith. ***
Reuniting with my son is my miracle...
It was beyond important for me to celebrate his birthday with him...the first birthday "celebration" that we would have together...There was no celebration for me the day he was born other than he was healthy...he was perfect. I whispered my love...my hopes and dreams for him whenever he was in my arms...and yet there is another side to that day....His parents must of received a phone call..."It's a Boy!" a healthy...10 fingers...10 toes boy! Born on November 15, 1969...there must of been happiness and celebrating when they heard the news...knowing that they would be able to come and bring him home and hold him in their arms to whisper their love to him. All of us feeling love for this new born baby...all of us in a different way. But now...finally after 43 years I could feel the joy of celebrating...I could watch as he blew out candles...This year I did not have to silently whisper my love...my hopes and dreams for him...This year I was going to be with my son on his birthday!
I had sent out his birthday card and gift (HAPPY BIRTHDAY book by Dr. Seuss and a lego toy...the first book and toy I had purchased for him in 43 years...I did sent a teddy bear with him when he was born, but that did not stay with him somehow) When he walked in the house I was sitting at the kitchen table...he was carrying his lego toy with him (he shared it as his first toy from his Mom with his coworkers). He was surprised to see me, even though my littlest grand daughter might of slipped, he was still surprised...but we were both happy and then he found out that I was staying on for Thanksgiving which meant that he would be off from school and we would be able to spend more time together. It was surreal to be there singing happy birthday with him...I felt like I was living in some sort of wonderful dream...there was a party with friends that weekend...new friends that I had not met yet that he wanted me to meet...we went to a play together at his school, where he introduced me as his Mom (I still marveled at the fact that people knew what Mom he was talking about...his birth mom, without him having to say those two words.) And then came Thanksgiving...the holiday that I couldn't wait to get through these past 43 years...and what a wonderful time it was...celebrating with him...celebrating with my daughter-in-laws family...meeting so many new people...being HAPPY...I mean really HAPPY and ever so thankful. Thanksgiving once again had the proper meaning attached to it...I was grateful...I was thankful and I was full of love. Full of love for my entire family, for it seemed as if I could love everyone just a little bit more now...that I was not holding a part of my heart tightly closed. The week he had off from school we did so many things as a family...we went on a scavenger hunt at Grand Central Station...and walked around the city going to Central Park...we went to the movies...we went out to eat...Gerard and I spent some stolen moments alone as we walked the dog or ran an errand.
It once again came time to leave and go back home...Gerard left school early so that he could take me to the airport...we talked in the car on the way...when we got there we lingered once again. Saying "good-bye" was such a difficult thing to do...although the "abandonment" feelings were getting better they still were there...but we had a plan in place.
I would be coming to spend New Years with them...just a few short weeks away...
Here we were rapidly approaching November...it was fall and for the first time in 43 years I was not sinking into a deep depression. For the first time in 43 years I was actually looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday...
For the second time in 43 years I would be with my son on his birthday!
My life had changed so much for the better in the past 6 months. I was feeling complete...my life was coming full circle...I was able to show love to my son and family and feel loved. I had received a miracle and I could no longer hold on to the sins or resentment of the past. I was building a new life...WE were building a new life together...a future...one day...one new memory at a time.
I was learning so much about myself...one thing is that we can get hurt in so many ways. No one is immune to it and it is only natural to build walls to protect our broken hearts. I had been doing that for 43 years. By letting my heart be tainted with resentment I had been stopping some of the flow of love out of my heart and allowing some poison into my inner space. I had perfected the "fight or flight" response whenever I felt "wronged". My nervous system would go into overdrive and then BOOM...my heart would be racing, my respiratory rate increased, my stomach ached and my natural self repair mechanism got flipped off... I knew how to come out of the corner with my gloves on ready to defend myself and I knew how to turn on my heels and walk out the door...I learned how to do this in order to protect myself from hurt...I had become a master at it after 43 years.
Forgiveness is a fundamental part of living a happy...balanced...joyful life. I know that every negative thought that I had about myself kept me from being truly happy. Resentment contaminates the soul...it would distance me not only from myself but also from others. Forgiveness is an offering of grace and with grace comes emotional freedom...a liberation from the downward spiral of negativity that resentment brings and gives us the opportunity for personal redemption. I was FINALLY given the blessing to allow myself to heal and forgive. That blessing was my son. I was opening a new door...I was happier than I had been in 43 years...I was bringing positive things and feelings my way.
Resentment prevents miracles...while love and grace foster them. When one is operating from a place of love...molecules rearrange themselves...time and space reconfigure...miracles happen! Grace is not something that can be earned...it is an act of unconditional love and faith. ***
Reuniting with my son is my miracle...
It was beyond important for me to celebrate his birthday with him...the first birthday "celebration" that we would have together...There was no celebration for me the day he was born other than he was healthy...he was perfect. I whispered my love...my hopes and dreams for him whenever he was in my arms...and yet there is another side to that day....His parents must of received a phone call..."It's a Boy!" a healthy...10 fingers...10 toes boy! Born on November 15, 1969...there must of been happiness and celebrating when they heard the news...knowing that they would be able to come and bring him home and hold him in their arms to whisper their love to him. All of us feeling love for this new born baby...all of us in a different way. But now...finally after 43 years I could feel the joy of celebrating...I could watch as he blew out candles...This year I did not have to silently whisper my love...my hopes and dreams for him...This year I was going to be with my son on his birthday!
I had sent out his birthday card and gift (HAPPY BIRTHDAY book by Dr. Seuss and a lego toy...the first book and toy I had purchased for him in 43 years...I did sent a teddy bear with him when he was born, but that did not stay with him somehow) When he walked in the house I was sitting at the kitchen table...he was carrying his lego toy with him (he shared it as his first toy from his Mom with his coworkers). He was surprised to see me, even though my littlest grand daughter might of slipped, he was still surprised...but we were both happy and then he found out that I was staying on for Thanksgiving which meant that he would be off from school and we would be able to spend more time together. It was surreal to be there singing happy birthday with him...I felt like I was living in some sort of wonderful dream...there was a party with friends that weekend...new friends that I had not met yet that he wanted me to meet...we went to a play together at his school, where he introduced me as his Mom (I still marveled at the fact that people knew what Mom he was talking about...his birth mom, without him having to say those two words.) And then came Thanksgiving...the holiday that I couldn't wait to get through these past 43 years...and what a wonderful time it was...celebrating with him...celebrating with my daughter-in-laws family...meeting so many new people...being HAPPY...I mean really HAPPY and ever so thankful. Thanksgiving once again had the proper meaning attached to it...I was grateful...I was thankful and I was full of love. Full of love for my entire family, for it seemed as if I could love everyone just a little bit more now...that I was not holding a part of my heart tightly closed. The week he had off from school we did so many things as a family...we went on a scavenger hunt at Grand Central Station...and walked around the city going to Central Park...we went to the movies...we went out to eat...Gerard and I spent some stolen moments alone as we walked the dog or ran an errand.
It once again came time to leave and go back home...Gerard left school early so that he could take me to the airport...we talked in the car on the way...when we got there we lingered once again. Saying "good-bye" was such a difficult thing to do...although the "abandonment" feelings were getting better they still were there...but we had a plan in place.
I would be coming to spend New Years with them...just a few short weeks away...
October...(in between times)
| "Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." ~ Henry Van Dyke | |
It did not end up being 8 weeks after all...I had spent the time at their house in September, which only left us with a few weeks in between the time we last saw one another...
Today, I am thinking about the in-between times and I am celebrating those. While moving from one moment to the next is seldom considered by many a very significant occurrence...I am honoring those times that I have tuned into life's most simplest joys with my son...
These times are so worthy of celebration...they are not landmark moments to most people but they are for me...for I am spending time with my son...FINALLY...connecting...I am paying attention to these times as they happen...I etch them into my memory...I focus on them the way he does when he snaps a photo. These moments that allow me to slow down and see in my heart the wonders of what is taking place...the miracle of my life as it is now.
Far to often we let these simple moments pass us by...but it is these times with him...these pauses in life that I honor as some of the biggest milestones...they show me how wonderful my life is now that we are a part of it together.
My heart tells me that we indeed have it all! My heart tells me that I am truly blessed.***
His birthday was approaching...I made a "secret" plan with my daughter-in-law to be there as a surprise on his birthday...I could not imagine being anywhere else this year...and I would stay on for a longer period (almost 2 weeks) so that I could spend Thanksgiving with them..These two celebrations were significant ones for me...emotional ones. I have to acknowledge how wonderful, understanding, and loving my daughter-in-law is...she has opened her heart and her home to me without hesitation...I am so blessed to have her in my life. Since meeting at the farm in July we had managed to be with each other once a month, ranging no more than 5 weeks in between time!
This would be the FIRST November in 43 years that we would be together...
***excerpts from a letter written to my son.
With love and gratitude....Happy Mother's Day!
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
I share Mother's Day with Gerards' Mother...we are different. We each have our uniqueness...we each have a special place in his heart...he has my eyes...she dried his tears...he resembles my family...she provided him with a loving home...he is built like our family...she watched him grow...most of all we both love him...I have always shared this day with her.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
I share Mother's Day with Gerards' Mother...we are different. We each have our uniqueness...we each have a special place in his heart...he has my eyes...she dried his tears...he resembles my family...she provided him with a loving home...he is built like our family...she watched him grow...most of all we both love him...I have always shared this day with her.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I look at this picture and say that there are not enough words in the English language to describe the feelings for me here. This is a picture of my son and me when we met after 42 years of separation. This is a picture of love that is so pure that it makes my heart soar. This is a picture of gratitude.
I am a birth mother, who placed her son up for adoption in 1969. It was not only a very difficult decision for me to make but also the most loving and unselfish act I have ever done in my life. I placed him in the arms of a couple who would love and nurture him beyond what I was capable of doing at 18 years old. I placed him in a home where he would be able to grow with two parents who would care for him. I placed him knowing that I might never know or see him, but for his sake I was willing to do that. I placed him because I loved him beyond measure.
My heart placed him in a very safe placed where he has lived with me for 42 years. There were times when I feared for him, there were times when I ached for him, and there were times when I felt he was right beside me. He has always been a part of my make-up. He helped to make me a better mother to my two other children, and a better and more compassionate person. He often held my hand during difficult times and allowed me to love in a better way. He gave me strength some days, and tears on others as the years passed. Although I wished to know him, I did not have a desire to disrupt the life that he and his parents had formed. I wished only the highest and best for them as a family.
And then a miracle occurred.
This past Mother's Day weekend (2012) I connected with my son, when my heart opened and poured out buried information. He was there on an adoption registry site waiting for me. He had started a blog looking for me 11 years earlier. With a phone call I would be talking with him. If I say I was without fear that would not be true. We talked for hours that first night, we exchanged e-mails and phone calls for weeks till we finally met for the second time in 42 years. We embraced, we cried, we sighed and we connected our hearts once again. Mother and son reunited to explore a relationship with each other, to express the unspoken love that has always been there. To share who we are with each other and our extended families. I am not only a mother, but I am now the proud grandmother of 3 precious children, and a mother-in-law to a new daughter, all who have always known about me. I feel complete, I am healing, and the feeling of coming full circle is ever present as our bond grows with each passing day.
What do you say to the parents who raised a child who was placed for adoption? How do you thank them for raising a child to be a wonderful adult? How do you let them know that your sudden appearance is not meant to disrupt their life? That they have nothing to fear from you ,as you are not out to either take their place or harm anyone?
There are not enough words in the English language to thank my sons' parents for the love they gave him. They provided him with a home that grounds him, that allows him to be who he is now. They provided love that allowed him to also hold me in his heart. I still do not wish to disrupt their life, but I do wish to be a part of my sons' life now.
Thank you seems so little to say to them, but it is the only thing I know to say.
With all my heart I say THANK YOU. ***
*** this is an article I wrote for an on line adoption magazine: Adoption Voices
Parenting...
God sends children to enlarge our hearts, and make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affections. ~ Mary Howitt
One year ago yesterday, May 10th, I talked with my son on the phone for the very first time...So much has changed in one year...One thing I am aware of is being a parent of an adult that was entrusted to adoption. You rarely think of it that way...usually one says "a child or a baby" entrusted to adoption. Yes...the truth is that he was entrusted to adoption as a baby...but now upon reuniting with him he is an adult. This is a totally different relationship...
As a parent we are asked to arise to some of the most difficult challenges. A really large one is that of attachment and un-attaching. As a successful parent we love our children...and that love attaches us to them. It is also that love that requires us to let them go...let them leave the nest and fly at the right time on their own path. This requires us to un-attach from them.
What a fine line that is. Attachment and un-attachment. As parents we love our children with every fiber of our being. We often love them more than anyone or anything else in our lives. This often causes us to either blur or over step that fine line...especially as their independence grows. Yet we know in our hearts that loving them requires that we do let them go.
Our children must learn to follow their own paths. We can provide them with our love, guidance and nurturing as they grow in order for them to make their own decisions. Those decisions lead them in all sorts of directions...some we fear...some we don't understand and some we beam with great pride from. But it is always during these times that we must stand on the sidelines, we might have to fearfully watch as they slip and fall, we might have to throw them a towel so they can dry them self off, or we might be cheering them on. As parents we can only hope that we have provided the right foundation, the right tools for them to succeed as they make their decisions. All this takes place gradually over the years. It happens between the times of holding their hands to guide them around real and imagined obstacles to honoring them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. It might well be that independence is the greatest gift a parent can offer their children.
How do you cross that line from attachment to un-attachment when you meet your child for the first time as an adult? It is a reverse life that we must lead. In a sense, the letting go was supposedly done, at least physically, years before (although our hearts knew that was never true) however, we were not the one who held their hand to guide them...we were not the one that stood on the sideline to cheer them on or throw them a towel...when we re-entered each others lives we were at the point where we are peers.
One year ago yesterday, May 10th, I talked with my son on the phone for the very first time...So much has changed in one year...One thing I am aware of is being a parent of an adult that was entrusted to adoption. You rarely think of it that way...usually one says "a child or a baby" entrusted to adoption. Yes...the truth is that he was entrusted to adoption as a baby...but now upon reuniting with him he is an adult. This is a totally different relationship...
As a parent we are asked to arise to some of the most difficult challenges. A really large one is that of attachment and un-attaching. As a successful parent we love our children...and that love attaches us to them. It is also that love that requires us to let them go...let them leave the nest and fly at the right time on their own path. This requires us to un-attach from them.
What a fine line that is. Attachment and un-attachment. As parents we love our children with every fiber of our being. We often love them more than anyone or anything else in our lives. This often causes us to either blur or over step that fine line...especially as their independence grows. Yet we know in our hearts that loving them requires that we do let them go.
Our children must learn to follow their own paths. We can provide them with our love, guidance and nurturing as they grow in order for them to make their own decisions. Those decisions lead them in all sorts of directions...some we fear...some we don't understand and some we beam with great pride from. But it is always during these times that we must stand on the sidelines, we might have to fearfully watch as they slip and fall, we might have to throw them a towel so they can dry them self off, or we might be cheering them on. As parents we can only hope that we have provided the right foundation, the right tools for them to succeed as they make their decisions. All this takes place gradually over the years. It happens between the times of holding their hands to guide them around real and imagined obstacles to honoring them as fully grown adults who no longer require our guidance. It might well be that independence is the greatest gift a parent can offer their children.
How do you cross that line from attachment to un-attachment when you meet your child for the first time as an adult? It is a reverse life that we must lead. In a sense, the letting go was supposedly done, at least physically, years before (although our hearts knew that was never true) however, we were not the one who held their hand to guide them...we were not the one that stood on the sideline to cheer them on or throw them a towel...when we re-entered each others lives we were at the point where we are peers.
Still there is more to being a parent to a newly found adult child...there is more than meets the eye. That un-attachment is an impossible thing to do, for what we are doing is forming an attachment. We are finding our way through our own real and imaginary obstacles. We are finding our way back to one another. There is no letting go.
Parenting asks us to arise to some of the most difficult challenges.
Parenting asks us to arise to some of the most difficult challenges.
I am a mother and a friend to my son. I am allowing our new life to unfold without the history of parenthood. I am taking small steps in discovering who we are...one stoke at a time I swim in these uncharted waters. I am a mother and a friend exploring new ground...finding sure footing with each new step...with each time we are together...with each phone call and letter.
I am remembering that we are each souls in this new world making our way the best we can...reconnecting...reattaching to one another. I hope that we can walk this new life together as...child...mother...friend with confidence and peace in our hearts.
I am one of his Mothers'...
he has two Mothers' who love him dearly...
(today, the Saturday before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's day...I had no idea there was such a day till my son called me and wished me a happy Birth Mother's Day...I am so blessed to have him in my life...so very blessed)
I am one of his Mothers'...
he has two Mothers' who love him dearly...
(today, the Saturday before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's day...I had no idea there was such a day till my son called me and wished me a happy Birth Mother's Day...I am so blessed to have him in my life...so very blessed)
No slight to anyone...
In response to my birthday card letter...
...Like you, I too don't know if I feel the full impact of our reunion...thinking of it I realize it has only been a little over 4 months and yet it feels so comfortable...so natural... that at times it feels as if it has always been like this.
The missing piece of life...the magic...the surprise beginning that showed up just when we both thought it might not happen in our life time. The greatest discovery that we both were open to...the possibility that we held tight to...Isn't life full of beautiful and wonderful custom designed surprises?
I have chosen to believe that this reunion was timed perfectly. I honor our family ties...they are helping me to see not only where I have come from but also showing me a path where I would like to go. I am embracing all that this reunion is bringing into experience. I am grateful for all that I am learning and have yet to learn...as we experience everything that comes with family fully and completely.
Your thoughts about celebrating new things while trusty supports are not, brought to mind a girl scout song I use to sing, the refrain went like this: "make new friends, but keep thee old...one is silver and the other gold".
These are my thoughts: I believe we do celebrate the trusty supports daily. They are a constant...a familiar loving touch in our life every day. They may be silent like where our value system came from...they may be loud , like the laughter of our children....they may be a warm touch on the hand by one we love. Our hearts hold those trusty supports. Perhaps we do not declare our gratefulness for them as much as we should...perhaps that is a lesson for us...to make sure we share our gratefulness for their presence in our life more. New things are just that...NEW...we have not discovered yet the loving familiarity of them...we are learning how to hold them closely and where they will fit in our every day life. Does this mean we care more for one than the other? I do not believe so....but rather we are learning how to embrace and meld both of them together. One is gold...the other is silver gradually turning into gold.
So, I agree we are celebrating our newly found family...We are both present to this experience without slight to anyone. I know that the familiarity will come for us and we will become trusty supports for one another one day. For now, I love exploring...learning...and knowing you. You are so loved!***
I love taking pen in hand and writing to my son...to explore my feelings more in depth about some of the things we have talked about or some of the emotional responses I am having. I also like to send him "funny" cards...we are both partial to the "hoops and yoyo" Hallmark cards that talk!
***parts of a letter written to my son.
A surprise birthday gift...
"The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us." ~ Ashley Montagu
A month had passed since my son was at my house. We had phone conversations every week during that time. It was now September and my birthday was approaching...my son was back at work, and summer was coming to a close...several days before my birthday I received a phone call..."watch for snail mail" he said..."we just sent out your first birthday gift!" My first gift from my son (well actually it was not my first gift as he purchased a t-shirt for me at a small fair when I was at the farm for the first time...It was during this time that I purchased his first ice cream cone...all simple purchases, but all milestones in my memory now) ...my first birthday that we were celebrating as mother and son!...it wasn't long before the phone rang again and the caller ID displayed his name..."what are you doing on Wednesday?" That was 4 days away...I laughed and said well...I just wasn't sure. "how would you like to come to our house?"
There had been a death in my daughter-in-laws family...and could I come to watch the kids and to visit? Could I come?...let me see how fast I can pack my suitcase....before I left to go my birthday card and gift arrived in the mail...There was some wonderful body lotion and soap that I discovered in France and they found it here in the states and sent it to me! (I had shared that I so loved this product with my daughter-in-law) and there was a birthday card from the kids and one from Gerard. Now I have to throw this in the mix...since I was a little girl I have loved monkeys...not so much real monkeys but stuffed monkeys...funny monkeys...it all started with a birthday gift of a stuffed monkey I received in the 4th grade from my friend Janet...and there on the front of the card that my son sent me...monkeys! It made me laugh right out loud! The outside envelope was addressed to: Pattie Mosca with an arrow that pointed to the name..."that's my mom!" inside he had written me a letter which started out..."here it is your long overdue first birthday card. Sorry I've been out of touch for the past forty odd years, but honestly I couldn't find your address." (did I mention that humor is a very important thing in my life!?!) He wrote about being excited and comforted to have me actively in his life...how he thought perhaps it would not be a possibility in his life that would happen (this is the same thought that I had many times) and he talked about celebrating new things in life when "trusty supports" do not seem to get that celebration. He was celebrating his newly found family...with no slight to anyone else. He closed by saying: I love you mom...I am glad to see you, hear you, and share with you. With wonder, joy and excitement...your son, Gerard.
So off I flew to NYC...I would stay for a week...I watched the children while my daughter-in law was out of town and my son was at work...even home schooling did not go so badly! That weekend, there was a party planned for me...I was now being introduced to family and friends (Gerard's parents and siblings were still not comfortable with meeting me yet...I understood that) I did however meet my daughter-in-laws family and so many friends...AMAZING! Everyone who was there already knew our story...most knew that Gerard had been searching for me for 11 years...everyone was happy for us. Questions were asked...Do you read a lot? ...Yes I do...so that is where he gets that from! Do you say..."there is always a choice" or "its all good"?...Yes I do...and your political views? Does he get those from you too?!...laughingly I knew he and I shared a great many of those!
There are quite a few similarities that we have...and yes, we have a resemblance to each other...oddly enough, out of all my children, he is the most like me...the one child that I did not raise. I find that so interesting...bringing up that age old question of nurture verses nature. I have always thought and believed that a person was shaped by their environment. That the house that they grew up in was where they not only grew but also found out who they were. That the nurturing one received shaped and formed them into the person that they were to become. That nature had little to do with anything. It didn't really matter that your mother had blond hair and you had brown or that your eyes were a different color from another member of your family. That some members of the family were tall and others were shorter had little to do with who you were as a person. That the way you were nurtured brought forth your qualities and beliefs. That your surroundings balanced who you were and how you thought. I believe now that genetics have much more to do with that...that genetics have more to do with the person that you are then I had thought possible...my son, the biology teacher, laughs because he has always known that!
One of the other wonderful things that happened during my stay was that I went to the school where he works...I met his colleagues, (who already knew who I was) they sang his praises...they told me how happy they were for the two of us...I met the principle who immediately came up to me and said "you must be mom" and he gave me a big hug...best of all I met students who approached him in the hallway and he introduced me..."This is my Mom" and some of the girls cried and all were very excited for us...This was a day I will never forget...
Everyone already knew me...unlike my side of the adoption triad...very few people knew of him before our meeting...He was my "secret" wish...I was his wish.
A month had passed since my son was at my house. We had phone conversations every week during that time. It was now September and my birthday was approaching...my son was back at work, and summer was coming to a close...several days before my birthday I received a phone call..."watch for snail mail" he said..."we just sent out your first birthday gift!" My first gift from my son (well actually it was not my first gift as he purchased a t-shirt for me at a small fair when I was at the farm for the first time...It was during this time that I purchased his first ice cream cone...all simple purchases, but all milestones in my memory now) ...my first birthday that we were celebrating as mother and son!...it wasn't long before the phone rang again and the caller ID displayed his name..."what are you doing on Wednesday?" That was 4 days away...I laughed and said well...I just wasn't sure. "how would you like to come to our house?"
There had been a death in my daughter-in-laws family...and could I come to watch the kids and to visit? Could I come?...let me see how fast I can pack my suitcase....before I left to go my birthday card and gift arrived in the mail...There was some wonderful body lotion and soap that I discovered in France and they found it here in the states and sent it to me! (I had shared that I so loved this product with my daughter-in-law) and there was a birthday card from the kids and one from Gerard. Now I have to throw this in the mix...since I was a little girl I have loved monkeys...not so much real monkeys but stuffed monkeys...funny monkeys...it all started with a birthday gift of a stuffed monkey I received in the 4th grade from my friend Janet...and there on the front of the card that my son sent me...monkeys! It made me laugh right out loud! The outside envelope was addressed to: Pattie Mosca with an arrow that pointed to the name..."that's my mom!" inside he had written me a letter which started out..."here it is your long overdue first birthday card. Sorry I've been out of touch for the past forty odd years, but honestly I couldn't find your address." (did I mention that humor is a very important thing in my life!?!) He wrote about being excited and comforted to have me actively in his life...how he thought perhaps it would not be a possibility in his life that would happen (this is the same thought that I had many times) and he talked about celebrating new things in life when "trusty supports" do not seem to get that celebration. He was celebrating his newly found family...with no slight to anyone else. He closed by saying: I love you mom...I am glad to see you, hear you, and share with you. With wonder, joy and excitement...your son, Gerard.
So off I flew to NYC...I would stay for a week...I watched the children while my daughter-in law was out of town and my son was at work...even home schooling did not go so badly! That weekend, there was a party planned for me...I was now being introduced to family and friends (Gerard's parents and siblings were still not comfortable with meeting me yet...I understood that) I did however meet my daughter-in-laws family and so many friends...AMAZING! Everyone who was there already knew our story...most knew that Gerard had been searching for me for 11 years...everyone was happy for us. Questions were asked...Do you read a lot? ...Yes I do...so that is where he gets that from! Do you say..."there is always a choice" or "its all good"?...Yes I do...and your political views? Does he get those from you too?!...laughingly I knew he and I shared a great many of those!
There are quite a few similarities that we have...and yes, we have a resemblance to each other...oddly enough, out of all my children, he is the most like me...the one child that I did not raise. I find that so interesting...bringing up that age old question of nurture verses nature. I have always thought and believed that a person was shaped by their environment. That the house that they grew up in was where they not only grew but also found out who they were. That the nurturing one received shaped and formed them into the person that they were to become. That nature had little to do with anything. It didn't really matter that your mother had blond hair and you had brown or that your eyes were a different color from another member of your family. That some members of the family were tall and others were shorter had little to do with who you were as a person. That the way you were nurtured brought forth your qualities and beliefs. That your surroundings balanced who you were and how you thought. I believe now that genetics have much more to do with that...that genetics have more to do with the person that you are then I had thought possible...my son, the biology teacher, laughs because he has always known that!
One of the other wonderful things that happened during my stay was that I went to the school where he works...I met his colleagues, (who already knew who I was) they sang his praises...they told me how happy they were for the two of us...I met the principle who immediately came up to me and said "you must be mom" and he gave me a big hug...best of all I met students who approached him in the hallway and he introduced me..."This is my Mom" and some of the girls cried and all were very excited for us...This was a day I will never forget...
Everyone already knew me...unlike my side of the adoption triad...very few people knew of him before our meeting...He was my "secret" wish...I was his wish.
"Family"...
"Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!" ~Albert Einstein
I went on my dream trip to Paris...it was wonderful...everything I had hoped it would be, but it could not compare to the fullness of my heart that I had from being at a small farm in upstate New York. That was paradise...that was a trip I had never allowed myself to think would happen. Spending 4 days with my son and his family...that was priceless.
It was now, only 4 weeks since I had last seen my son and his family ...they were coming to my house to meet the extended family here and a few of my very good friends...The house was prepared for their arrival...new towels for them...a bowl of candy beside the bed (we all love the candy!! especially M & M's!)...party plans were made...food and cake ordered...the house was full of excitement as I awaited their arrival.
My grandson (my daughter's 7 year old) was here with me...he wanted to meet his cousins, so he would be staying for the few days that they were here. If I thought waiting for them was hard for me...he was the one who kept saying..."will they be here soon?"! Timing was a little off as my son had to go to the hospital that morning...working on the farm he had come into contact with something and had broken out in a rash all over his arms...once cleared for not being contagious they were on their way...a little later than anticipated...but they were on their way to the house...in a strange sort of way my son was "coming home"...to the place of his birth...to his biological family...everything was a new territory...we had no road map for which to rely on as to how things "should be"...or how they have played out in the past...this was all new to all of us...this was the first meeting of my son and his biological family...the first meeting of all my children.
They finally all arrived...along with the dog and I was so happy to see their smiling faces...and to once again hug my son. It had been 4 weeks since I had done that...of course in the reality of life this is a short time, but for me it seemed like such a long time, I had this want, no almost a need to be connected to him. I make no excuses for how I was feeling...I had to sit next to him constantly...I had to touch him whenever I could still making sure this was real and he would not disappear...that this was not some sort of dream that I would eventually wake up from.
The party went wonderfully even though we did get a thunder storm in the afternoon. It was a whirlwind for me...making sure everyone was introduced to each other...that they had enough to eat and drink....after everyone left my son took a run...I wonder if this was not his way to settle down after this emotional day...when he returned from his run we sat on the glider together on the front porch...shoulders touching...we sat and just rocked back and forth in silence together. It had been a good day...his maternal biological family gathered around him and welcomed him in with open arms filled with love...the only family members that were not present was my brother and his family (wife and 2 children), as they live in Florida...and my niece (my sisters daughter) and her family (husband and 2 children) as they were out of town.
I was happy...I had all 3 of my children gathered in my home for the first time ever...My heart was full...
I went on my dream trip to Paris...it was wonderful...everything I had hoped it would be, but it could not compare to the fullness of my heart that I had from being at a small farm in upstate New York. That was paradise...that was a trip I had never allowed myself to think would happen. Spending 4 days with my son and his family...that was priceless.
It was now, only 4 weeks since I had last seen my son and his family ...they were coming to my house to meet the extended family here and a few of my very good friends...The house was prepared for their arrival...new towels for them...a bowl of candy beside the bed (we all love the candy!! especially M & M's!)...party plans were made...food and cake ordered...the house was full of excitement as I awaited their arrival.
My grandson (my daughter's 7 year old) was here with me...he wanted to meet his cousins, so he would be staying for the few days that they were here. If I thought waiting for them was hard for me...he was the one who kept saying..."will they be here soon?"! Timing was a little off as my son had to go to the hospital that morning...working on the farm he had come into contact with something and had broken out in a rash all over his arms...once cleared for not being contagious they were on their way...a little later than anticipated...but they were on their way to the house...in a strange sort of way my son was "coming home"...to the place of his birth...to his biological family...everything was a new territory...we had no road map for which to rely on as to how things "should be"...or how they have played out in the past...this was all new to all of us...this was the first meeting of my son and his biological family...the first meeting of all my children.
They finally all arrived...along with the dog and I was so happy to see their smiling faces...and to once again hug my son. It had been 4 weeks since I had done that...of course in the reality of life this is a short time, but for me it seemed like such a long time, I had this want, no almost a need to be connected to him. I make no excuses for how I was feeling...I had to sit next to him constantly...I had to touch him whenever I could still making sure this was real and he would not disappear...that this was not some sort of dream that I would eventually wake up from.
The party went wonderfully even though we did get a thunder storm in the afternoon. It was a whirlwind for me...making sure everyone was introduced to each other...that they had enough to eat and drink....after everyone left my son took a run...I wonder if this was not his way to settle down after this emotional day...when he returned from his run we sat on the glider together on the front porch...shoulders touching...we sat and just rocked back and forth in silence together. It had been a good day...his maternal biological family gathered around him and welcomed him in with open arms filled with love...the only family members that were not present was my brother and his family (wife and 2 children), as they live in Florida...and my niece (my sisters daughter) and her family (husband and 2 children) as they were out of town.
I was happy...I had all 3 of my children gathered in my home for the first time ever...My heart was full...
Once again it came time for the departure...neither of us handle this part very well...we linger over conversation so that no one has to get in the car...we hug...we hug some more...we tell each other we will see each other soon...we are very lucky, because Gerard's wife saw the trouble we were having once again....she got out her phone and said...we can meet at the farm again in October...that was only 8 weeks away she said...there was a plan in action to ease my heart...I knew I would be seeing them soon...it did not completely take the "abandonment" feeling away...but it did ease it...
When I arrived home I found that my son had left me a card on my bed...It read:
Thank you for keeping me in your heart and then welcoming in my family. Love, Your Son Gerard
August 2012
Here's a poem for my mom, who invited us into her life.
Bring the kids she said, bring the dog, and definitely bring your wife.
There was a nervous call and long easy talks
and finally a teary greeting and then she opened up her home
and the families were meeting.
Now there's joy in Rochester and wherever we go.
For love is growing with each day
as mother and son do know.
I cried...good tears...joyful tears...I was living in the beautiful land of life!
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