Firsts...

"How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" - Albert Einstein
 

We were sitting on the sofa side by side...what can I tell him about his Father? How do I go about giving him information that is not totally one sided? And yet...how do I not? So much had happened over the past 42 years...and at this moment it seemed as if so little had also.

There is something about your "first" love that you never forget. For me it was much deeper than just being my first love...I also had the birth of my first child that connected me to this man (at least in my heart I did).

I started with the "once upon a time"...the part that held the happiest memories for me. My first love...the meeting...the chemistry...the falling in love. I told him about the good things about him...that he was intelligent...handsome...that he had a dry sarcastic sense of humor. But eventually I had to get to the parts that weren't happy memories for me. I told him about discovering that I was pregnant for him...how we both handled that so differently...my fear turning into feelings of a mothers' love and connection to her child...his fear turning into hiding his head in the sand, and turning his back on us.

I told him that he went to college,( just like everyone said he would)...but that he dropped out for a while and worked at a local camera factory (our paths crossed again briefly during this time, after my first marriage dissolved)...eventually he went back and got his degree as a civil engineer...I told him how he lived in Massachusetts after that, and how our paths crossed again when we were 30 years old...every time our paths crossed it always seemed to end the same way...with me crying and him walking away. I was not sure why I continued to hold onto the "happily ever after" with this man...perhaps it was because of the connection I felt because we had a child together...I have never quite figured that mystery out. I explained to him that there was little more that I knew now about him...I knew where he lived...I knew he was married and had been for many years...I knew that he had a son (which meant that he had another half brother).

"And you know his name" he said. Yes, of course. "Does he know that you and I have been reunited?" Now came the part of the conversation that I dreaded....Yes he did know that, but he wished to remain anonymous at this time....he did not want me to share information with him...he believed he told his wife some 27 years earlier, but if he did it was never mentioned again, he had never told his son...he wasn't even sure if his brothers knew...this was a total "secret". A "secret" that never affected his life the way it did mine. (these were things that were part of the phone conversation that I had with him after sharing my excitement about being reunited with my son. I suppose that is a key conponent..."my son" is how I have always referred to Gerard)  "But you could tell me his name anyhow", he said. Yes, of course I could...but as a Mother I felt that I wanted to protect him from any hurt a rejection from this man might have on him...that as a Mother that was my job, and it did not matter to me that he was a grown man. We decided that I would write down his name and where he lived on a piece of paper put it in a sealed envelope in my strong box and should he ever want it, he would ask for it. Right now the important thing was that we were reunited...that we were reconnecting...that our bond was being rediscovered. This was a decision I could live with...because at this very moment I did not want to share him with anyone else, and yet this decision made me sad for him, and in some strange way sad for myself. Unlike a divorce where children know who their parents are...where children go between two homes...two different situations, this was still a "secret" on one side. This was still unfinished.  

By late afternoon, the family finally returned from their outing....I was walking out the door to meet my daughter-in-law and my 3 grandchildren for the very first time in person. It was so natural...there were hugs and so much love...once again as if we had only been separated for a short while, instead of meeting for the first time.

This would be the beginning of many "firsts" for all of us.