Inner Mean Girl...

"I don't know why, I'm so happy, I'm sad...I'm in trouble, seeing double"...~Michael Franks

Do you have one of those inner mean girls that lives within you? You know, the one that tells you all the negative...all the "not enough" statements...the "you can't do it" statements...the "what are you thinking" statements!

Do you have one of those girls residing in your head?

I DO! And boy was she playing games with me!  I had to get quiet...I was letting her have her way with me...BUT NOT TODAY! Today, I told her that she could not come out and play! Today, I told her to just take her negative thinking and take a walk...she just wasn't welcomed here anymore! That if she couldn't play nice than she just shouldn't come around...

I am not sure why when things are going so well that she would choose to "rain on my parade"... I'm not sure why when she comes knocking at my door I don't just look out the peek hole and see she is there and not answer...after all it was sunny and warm and a delightful day before I opened that door...

I had been letting the "inner mean girl" take over...she had me questioning myself...she had me thinking that somewhere in his heart he would never forgive me...she had me thinking that I had no right to the happiness I was feeling, that I had placed him in the arms of strangers, so I was a bad person...I wasn't worthy of his love...I wasn't good enough...she had me comparing the relationships that I have with my daughter and son to the one I was forming with my first born. That in itself should of had me throwing her off the train...how totally different these relationships are...not even comparable.

In some ways my first born is the beneficiary of the BEST of me...I have gone through the ups and downs of parenting...at 60 years old, finally having this union, I felt I was coming into my true self as a person...I was exposing myself to him on a different level...

So, I  packed her suitcase (you know the one with all the "stuff" in it...the heavy one...the one that holds stuff...some of which doesn't belong to us...some that we have carried around for 42 years...stuff that that just doesn't suit us or even fit us anymore.) and I put her on a fast train to nowhere! PHEW! It took a little work as that "stuff" she carries with her is pretty heavy at times! So, today the sun is shining and I can see much more clearly...and I gave myself permission to push her out the door!

It's sad to think that the "inner mean girl" would want to take away my happiness by casting doubt and insecurities around one of the happiest times of my life. But, every now and then it happens...that perfect AH-HA moment when you least expect it to...sometimes something profound happens to reveal it to you...

other times it can be as simple as a word...

Roller coasters...a simple word...a word that came up in a conversation I was having with my son one night on the phone. We both have ridden them...we both agree that the first free fall is the most exciting...It was this word...Roller coasters...that provided me with an AH-HA moment.

Roller coasters....

There are times when we try to maintain control in life...but that is a bit like trying to maintain control on a roller coaster. The ride has its own logic and is going to go its own way, regardless of how tightly one grips the bar. There is a thrill and a power in simply surrendering to the ride and fully feeling the ups and downs of it...letting the curves take you rather than fighting them. When you fight the ride...resisting what is happening at every turn, you become tense and anxiety is your close companion...BUT...when you go with the ride...accepting what you cannot control...freedom and joy will inevitable arise. We can give into our fear and anxiety or we can surrender to this great mystery of life with courage. When you look at the people on the roller coaster, you will see that there are those with their faces tight and they have a white knuckle grip on the bar...and then there are those that smile broadly with their hands in the air, carried through the ride on a wave of freedom and joy.

It is this image that provides me once again with knowing that there is always a choice (a belief that my son and I both hold dear) The only control I have is how I am going to respond to the ride...

I do not want the inner mean girl to keep my heart clenched tightly with fear...I want to smile broadly with my hands in the air...carried through this reuniting with a wave of love and joy...***

I could not go backwards...I could not make up for the 42 lost years...I could not comfort his cries...kiss his hurts...take pride in his childhood accomplishments...This is the beginning...the beginning of learning about my son and his life...the beginning of finding common ground...the beginning of healing...the beginning of forgiveness... the beginning of being gentle with myself...

this is the beginning...


***excerpts from a letter written to my son.