November's miracle...

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him." ~ Pablo Casals 


Here we were rapidly approaching November...it was fall and for the first time in 43 years I was not sinking into a deep depression. For the first time in 43 years I was actually looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday...

For the second time in 43 years I would be with my son on his birthday!

My life had changed so much for the better in the past 6 months. I was feeling complete...my life was coming full circle...I was able to show love to my son and family and feel loved. I had received a miracle and I could no longer hold on to the sins or resentment of the past. I was building a new life...WE were building a new life together...a future...one day...one new memory at a time.

I was learning so much about myself...one thing is that we can get hurt in so many ways. No one is immune to it and it is only natural to build walls to protect our broken hearts. I had been doing that for 43 years. By letting my heart be tainted with resentment I had been stopping some of the flow of love out of my heart and allowing some poison into my inner space. I had perfected the "fight or flight" response whenever I felt "wronged". My nervous system would go into overdrive and then BOOM...my heart would be racing, my respiratory rate increased, my stomach ached and my natural self repair mechanism got flipped off... I knew how to come out of the corner with my gloves on ready to defend myself and I knew how to turn on my heels and walk out the door...I learned how to do this in order to protect myself from hurt...I had become a master at it after 43 years.

Forgiveness is a fundamental part of living a happy...balanced...joyful life. I know that every negative thought that I had about myself kept me from being truly happy. Resentment contaminates the soul...it would distance me not only from myself but also from others. Forgiveness is an offering of grace and with grace comes emotional freedom...a liberation from the downward spiral of negativity that resentment brings and gives us the opportunity for personal redemption. I was FINALLY given the blessing to allow myself to heal and forgive. That blessing was my son. I was opening a new door...I was happier than I had been in 43 years...I was bringing positive things and feelings my way.

Resentment prevents miracles...while love and grace foster them. When one is operating from a place of love...molecules rearrange themselves...time and space reconfigure...miracles happen! Grace is not something that can be earned...it is an act of unconditional love and faith. ***

Reuniting with my son is my miracle...

It was beyond important for me to celebrate his birthday with him...the first birthday "celebration" that we would have together...There was no celebration for me the day he was born other than he was healthy...he was perfect. I whispered my love...my hopes and dreams for him whenever he was in my arms...and yet there is another side to that day....His parents must of received a phone call..."It's a Boy!" a healthy...10 fingers...10 toes boy! Born on November 15, 1969...there must of been happiness and celebrating when they heard the news...knowing that they would be able to come and bring him home and hold him in their arms to whisper their love to him. All of us feeling love for this new born baby...all of us in a different way. But now...finally after 43 years I could feel the joy of celebrating...I could watch as he blew out candles...This year I did not have to silently whisper my love...my hopes and dreams for him...This year I was going to be with my son on his birthday!

I had sent out his birthday card and gift (HAPPY BIRTHDAY book by Dr. Seuss and a lego toy...the first book and toy I had purchased for him in 43 years...I did sent a teddy bear with him when he was born, but that did not stay with him somehow) When he walked in the house I was sitting at the kitchen table...he was carrying his lego toy with him (he shared it as his first toy from his Mom with his coworkers). He was surprised to see me, even though my littlest grand daughter might of slipped, he was still surprised...but we were both happy and then he found out that I was staying on for Thanksgiving which meant that he would be off from school and we would be able to spend more time together. It was surreal to be there singing happy birthday with him...I felt like I was living in some sort of wonderful dream...there was a party with friends that weekend...new friends that I had not met yet that he wanted me to meet...we went to a play together at his school, where he introduced me as his Mom (I still marveled at the fact that people knew what Mom he was talking about...his birth mom, without him having to say those two words.) And then came Thanksgiving...the holiday that I couldn't wait to get through these past 43 years...and what a wonderful time it was...celebrating with him...celebrating with my daughter-in-laws family...meeting so many new people...being HAPPY...I mean really HAPPY and ever so thankful. Thanksgiving once again had the proper meaning attached to it...I was grateful...I was thankful and I was full of love. Full of love for my entire family, for it seemed as if I could love everyone just a little bit more now...that I was not holding a part of my heart tightly closed. The week he had off from school we did so many things as a family...we went on a scavenger hunt at Grand Central Station...and walked around the city going to Central Park...we went to the movies...we went out to eat...Gerard and I spent some stolen moments alone as we walked the dog or ran an errand.

It once again came time to leave and go back home...Gerard left school early so that he could take me to the airport...we talked in the car on the way...when we got there we lingered once again. Saying "good-bye" was such a difficult thing to do...although the "abandonment" feelings were getting better they still were there...but we had a plan in place.

I would be coming to spend New Years with them...just a few short weeks away...