"CAN'T"...

CAN'T...this is the one word in the English language that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up...I would start to feel my blood pulse through my body faster, causing my heart rate to rise...like in the cartoons I would feel a steam pouring out from my ears...CAN'T...did someone just say that I COULD NOT DO SOMETHING???  Oh No they didn't!

Again I am having another AH-HA moment...

Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.

Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)

Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...

CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...

I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.