Where am I now?

I went to see my Doctor yesterday...my Psychiatrist...He is being deployed to Iraq and I will not see him now till November...the longest period of time of absence since last year when he went too. He wondered where I was now since arriving in his office in 2009.

He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG!  And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.

After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!

Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.

But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).

So, where am I now?

I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.

I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!