HELLO! Am I really able to log into my blog after months of trying?
WHY YES I AM!
I am still getting an error message, but then it goes away! So actually I am HAPPY!
What has happened in the past 4 months...WOW! A lot of personal stuff...health problems with my Mother who is 88 and then there are my own health issues...and the passing of my fabulous Aunt and my dear friend within 24 hours of each other...Holding it together.
In the beginning of the year I started a journal "YOU ARE SO LOVED" for myself dealing with just adoption and the issues that pop up for me....Each page contains a letter I have addressed to Dear Patricia...some of those letters are addressing my 17 year old self from my older self...some are addressing me from a source deep within...but it has so helped my healing...I thought I was over a great many issues surrounding adoption, but they still were there...this journal has helped me in so many ways...
The biggest thing that I have found is that I understand that getting upset about the things that I cannot change serves me no purpose other than to continue the hurt...I cannot change anything...I cannot go back....and if I continue to do that it will kill me and kill my relationship with Gerard...I refuse to let that happen!
The other day when talking with Gerard...I mentioned that this was the longest period of time we have gone without getting together...he jokingly added "well there were those 42 years" to which I replied "I don't count those"...and a light bulb went off in my heart and my head...NO I DON'T COUNT THOSE ANYMORE!
And what I realized is that the journaling has brought me to this place...that getting my feelings down on paper...that speaking my truth and being heard has helped me to accept those things I can never change...and so I finished up my journal...with a letter that I wrote not to myself but rather to Gerard...pledging my love as a parent and a grandparent...verbally saying that there is nothing in this universe that can ever again prevent me from being there for him and for his family...and I feel so much better...I sent him a copy of that letter...
As parents we silently tell our children that we will provide and protect them as they grow...because I could never do that actually writing it down brought peace to my heart...and I am HAPPY!
A new year...
I spent the holiday with my son and his family. This was the very first Christmas morning that we have had together. And although spending it with my grandchildren was exciting it was the fact that I could watch the magic of my sons' eyes as he watched his children. I was touched deep to my core with love for all of them.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful.
My son made me a clock...the second homemade gift I have received from him...I was thrilled because he took time out of his busy schedule to make something for me...it holds a space in my living room where I can see it every day...reminding me that time is now on my side to have a relationship with him...that time did not break the bond that we share as mother and son.
While visiting I met his brother...this is the first family member I have met. I was honored that he wanted to finally meet me...he was celebrating his brothers' happiness...he was celebrating our reunion...and it made me very aware of the different love we all have in our lives...the different bonds...the different ties.
The family relationships of love are so many and so diverse. There is the mothers' love for her child. A husbands' love for his wife. A brothers' love for his brother. I know that our family is not just gifted with blood relationships but rather it is grounded in love. There are bonds that attach him to his family...and there are bonds that attach him to his newly reunited family. Old bonds and new bonds...each inevitably leading to loving unions.
We meld and join them together as best as we can.
PS: One of the gifts I finally decided on for him this Christmas was a custom made Kaleidoscope...With a note that said: I see the world differently now...and it is beautiful.
COURAGE
Sharing a Rumi poem posted by a friend today:
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
There's a broken, open place in a lover
Where are the qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
What's the use of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt
This is not a treasury where gold is stored
This is for copper
We alchemists look for talent that can heat up and ...change
Luke warm won't do
Half hearted, holding back well enough, getting by, not here
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
There's a broken, open place in a lover
Where are the qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
What's the use of old and frozen thought?
I want a howling hurt
This is not a treasury where gold is stored
This is for copper
We alchemists look for talent that can heat up and ...change
Luke warm won't do
Half hearted, holding back well enough, getting by, not here
There's courage involved if you want to become the truth
All of us who are members of the triad know about COURAGE!
Finding the right gift...
I know that the holidays are not just about "giving"...it's about spending time with those that you love. Even so...there is the hustle and bustle of the season where we all pick the "perfect" gift for those that we love....AHHHHH...but is it that easy? How many times have you received the "perfect" gift only to exchange it within days...or put it away in a locked closet never to be seen again....how many times have you smiled (that fake smile) and said how much you "loved" that gift?
This year I will be waking up Christmas morning in my son's home...for the first time I will be able to see my grandchildren open up their gifts and delight in the stockings...for the first time I will be able to spend the day in the company of my son and his family...
So...I search for the perfect gift...The children were easy...There are hobbies and things that they love...so I had no problem...in fact I actually had to decide which ones to get! My daughter in law was fairly easy too as we do shop together at times and I see what she picks up and likes...I can always go back and get it another time! (SURPRISE!)
But my son....well that is a different story...
I want to purchase something meaningful...I want something that lets him know the love I have in my heart for him and this reunion...Last year I made a book for him of all our E mail exchanges for the first year...illustrated with love...I also decided on a compass that was engraved with "WE HAVE BEEN FOUND"...this year I am at a loss...
The gift I am choosing is LOVE! The gift I am choosing is that we are together...we can sit side by side and watch as the children delight in ripping open the paper...I can sit next to him in church as we sing Oh Holy Night...I can marvel in the fact that we are able to finally do this...I am choosing LOVE for the "perfect" gift...
just not so sure what to give him to unwrap!
This year I will be waking up Christmas morning in my son's home...for the first time I will be able to see my grandchildren open up their gifts and delight in the stockings...for the first time I will be able to spend the day in the company of my son and his family...
So...I search for the perfect gift...The children were easy...There are hobbies and things that they love...so I had no problem...in fact I actually had to decide which ones to get! My daughter in law was fairly easy too as we do shop together at times and I see what she picks up and likes...I can always go back and get it another time! (SURPRISE!)
But my son....well that is a different story...
I want to purchase something meaningful...I want something that lets him know the love I have in my heart for him and this reunion...Last year I made a book for him of all our E mail exchanges for the first year...illustrated with love...I also decided on a compass that was engraved with "WE HAVE BEEN FOUND"...this year I am at a loss...
The gift I am choosing is LOVE! The gift I am choosing is that we are together...we can sit side by side and watch as the children delight in ripping open the paper...I can sit next to him in church as we sing Oh Holy Night...I can marvel in the fact that we are able to finally do this...I am choosing LOVE for the "perfect" gift...
just not so sure what to give him to unwrap!
Thanks-giving...
Last year I spent Thanksgiving with my son, Gerard and his family...I remember that it was the first Thanksgiving in 43 years that I truly enjoyed. This year I will be spending the holiday with my family here where I live...I am excited to partake in the festivities...I am excited to make the squash and stuffing...I am present and giving thanks.
I am letting my heart soar...I am breaking the rubber band of old held onto beliefs...I am remembering that we are all connected...that we are each a separate and unique piece of the big picture that we call life...I am counting my blessings...I honor my joy...and I realize that everything that I have and love is here with me in my heart. I know that it always has been, (even if on some days I forget that).
No one, but me has ever been able to stop the love that I hold in my heart for Gerard...just as I hold the love for all those that I love that have passed...I can be sad about not having them here with me or I can choose to know that LOVE is and has been ever present.
So...I celebrate all that I am thankful for...I have much to be grateful for...people who love me without hesitation...people that I love...memories that I will always hold in my heart...and new memories to make....I am looking at the big picture....
I am giving thanks.
HAPPY THANKS-GIVING!
I am letting my heart soar...I am breaking the rubber band of old held onto beliefs...I am remembering that we are all connected...that we are each a separate and unique piece of the big picture that we call life...I am counting my blessings...I honor my joy...and I realize that everything that I have and love is here with me in my heart. I know that it always has been, (even if on some days I forget that).
No one, but me has ever been able to stop the love that I hold in my heart for Gerard...just as I hold the love for all those that I love that have passed...I can be sad about not having them here with me or I can choose to know that LOVE is and has been ever present.
So...I celebrate all that I am thankful for...I have much to be grateful for...people who love me without hesitation...people that I love...memories that I will always hold in my heart...and new memories to make....I am looking at the big picture....
I am giving thanks.
HAPPY THANKS-GIVING!
Birthday Surprise!
A last minute change of plans and I was boarding a train for the 7 hour ride to see my son for his birthday! I was beyond happy with every minute of this ride...he had no idea I was coming...and it was a wonderful surprise...and a fabulous time spent with him and the family...
He took me to the college campus where he went and we walked around the grounds...it was wonderful to be there with him as he shared his stories...and he actually lived in a dorm called KINGS HALL (which just happens to be my maiden name! FUNNY!!)
I made him a book for his birthday...and story for us...and I am going to share the pages now here...
So here are the first of them...This is the cover...
He took me to the college campus where he went and we walked around the grounds...it was wonderful to be there with him as he shared his stories...and he actually lived in a dorm called KINGS HALL (which just happens to be my maiden name! FUNNY!!)
I made him a book for his birthday...and story for us...and I am going to share the pages now here...
So here are the first of them...This is the cover...
LOVE
My friend, Terri has a wonderful way with words....and once again this one tells me exactly what to do as Gerard's birthday approaches...LOVE!
you love
“ memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that
ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love.
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love. ”
~terri st. cloud
bonesighsart
you love
“ memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that
ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love.
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love. ”
~terri st. cloud
bonesighsart
November blessing...
November is the time of year when you really want to reflect on what it is that you are thankful for. We really do need to be aware of our blessings throughout the entire year...but somehow for a lot of us that comes and goes in spurts depending on our mood.
Everyone who knows me realizes that since 1969 November has not been a month of gratitude for me....not until 2012 when Gerard and I were united again. And yet...this year I fell into a bit of a funk in the beginning of the month. WHY? Why would that happen when all I have ever wanted was to have him in my life...and now he is. So why the funk...why the sadness?
I let myself roll around with the sadness for a while...and then it hit me. Although we are united I was not spending his birthday with him this year. How many birthday candles I have missed...how many celebrations have gone by without me being witness to them. Last year was the first year I was with him since his birth...I shouldn't miss a single one...and yet as his birthday approaches (the 15th) I am here in my home...
So...I sit back....I take a moment or two and completely unlock my heart. I open it up and see what it is that I am really thankful for. I know that my gratitude for life does not have to be HUGE...I know that there are so many small things that are overlooked everyday by me or there are those things that I just take for granted. I know that I have said to myself...IF ONLY...I WISH I HAD...IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT OVER...I SHOULD OF...
So today...I unlock my heart...I will do the if only....I will start the wish I had...I will say the things I want to say to those that I love...And I will go forward from here...I will be open to the blessings in my life. I will view a few of them every day. I will let my life and heart open and watch those blessings pile up...
My son and I are united...I know this is a dream come true...and I am truly thankful that I can write this and express how I feel for him...because finally I know him....finally I know his name...finally he is part of my life...
I let the sadness go...
Everyone who knows me realizes that since 1969 November has not been a month of gratitude for me....not until 2012 when Gerard and I were united again. And yet...this year I fell into a bit of a funk in the beginning of the month. WHY? Why would that happen when all I have ever wanted was to have him in my life...and now he is. So why the funk...why the sadness?
I let myself roll around with the sadness for a while...and then it hit me. Although we are united I was not spending his birthday with him this year. How many birthday candles I have missed...how many celebrations have gone by without me being witness to them. Last year was the first year I was with him since his birth...I shouldn't miss a single one...and yet as his birthday approaches (the 15th) I am here in my home...
So...I sit back....I take a moment or two and completely unlock my heart. I open it up and see what it is that I am really thankful for. I know that my gratitude for life does not have to be HUGE...I know that there are so many small things that are overlooked everyday by me or there are those things that I just take for granted. I know that I have said to myself...IF ONLY...I WISH I HAD...IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT OVER...I SHOULD OF...
So today...I unlock my heart...I will do the if only....I will start the wish I had...I will say the things I want to say to those that I love...And I will go forward from here...I will be open to the blessings in my life. I will view a few of them every day. I will let my life and heart open and watch those blessings pile up...
My son and I are united...I know this is a dream come true...and I am truly thankful that I can write this and express how I feel for him...because finally I know him....finally I know his name...finally he is part of my life...
I let the sadness go...
The thread of love...
Last night I spent time with other birth mothers' and adoptees...this was the second time I was in their company...this time with a smaller group I was much more comfortable as we shared our stories together...
we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...
What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...
So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.
When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...
I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.
I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...
I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...
In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...
To the thread of love that has never been broken...
we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...
What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...
So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.
When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...
I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.
I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...
I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...
In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...
To the thread of love that has never been broken...
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