Where am I now?

I went to see my Doctor yesterday...my Psychiatrist...He is being deployed to Iraq and I will not see him now till November...the longest period of time of absence since last year when he went too. He wondered where I was now since arriving in his office in 2009.

He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG!  And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.

After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!

Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.

But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).

So, where am I now?

I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.

I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!

Psychiatrist...

I have gone to see Psychiatrists off and on since I was 24 years old. They never could really pinpoint why I was always so "depressed". Many of them wanted to go back and review my childhood...blame my parents in some way...others told me it was a hormonal thing...one actually went so far as to tell me that I was making things up in my head. But the one thing that I NEVER brought up was that I had entrusted Gerard to the adoption system. I never exposed my self totally and honestly.

In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.

For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.

But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.   

I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break. 

I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.

to know or not to know...

I remember when I was in the 5th grade, Mr. Thomas, was my teacher at #16 school. He was an Englishman who was teaching in America. We were studying ancestry. We were told to ask our parents where our ancestors came from. When I asked, my Mother promptly told me...We are Americans...you tell him that! So, back I went the next day and listened as everyone in the class was telling their ancestries ...Irish...English...German...and when it came to my turn I said American...No, he told me..you must be mistaken, you have to be more than that...well, that is what my Mother said to tell you was my reply. (there was laughter in the class room...was it because I said that is what my mother said to tell you or was it because I did not have an answer?) You need to ask her again he told me...home I went and said where are our ancestors from? My Mother once again said America...Now, I suppose in the 5th grade I was smart enough to go back to school and tell Mr. Thomas anything I wanted...who would know the difference...I marched into the class with my head held high went up to Mr. Thomas and said very clearly...My Mother said that we are Americans...I was born in America...She was born in America as was her mother, her grandmother and her great grandmother...as was my fathers family...So my ancestors are from America...he did not ask me again. So what is my ancestry? Really I have very little idea...I do know that there is some English...some Irish...a little Lithuanian ...and Cherokee...a mixed breed...a mongrel of sorts! I learned some of it over the years from my grandmothers...

Now imagine that you are adopted and you have no idea what your ancestry is, and you have no one to ask. (Even if you got the answer that your ancestors were from America!)  Would it bother you? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference in any way?

While I was visiting my son, I asked him why he choose to search.  He said he was not really curious till he was around 18 and became more curious as he got older. Who did he look like? Who were the people he got his eyes and height from...who did he get his love of art or his way of thinking from...was he curious about ancestry...just to a certain degree...but it came down to more about finding another person that he looked like and who he was like in different ways.

I know a great many people who have gone to get lengths to explore their family tree. I am not one of those people, but I do understand it to a certain degree. Knowing where we descended from is a curiosity to me, but not a make it or break it deal in any way. I am who I am not because of my ancestry but because of the sum total of my life so far. I believe that is the same for Gerard, but that is only my opinion. And I believe that we all have the right to know our ancestry and to be able to search it out if it is important to us. But to do so, we have to know our parents names...and perhaps even their parents names. Adoption erases that and so there is no way to find out unless you are reunited.

So, just how important is ancestry to you? And do you have the names of your parents so that you can do that searching?

Here in New York State all records are sealed and an adoptee is not allowed this information. And once again our ADOPTION RIGHTS bill did not make the floor to be voted on this year...but there is always next year. Our voices just need to get louder!

Equal Rights...

This article is fairly long...but POWERFUL!

The Last – and Least Recognized – Americans Denied Equal Rights

by Mirah Riben / June 18th, 2013

Prejudice may not … be the basis for differential treatment under the law” even if it does not rise from “malice or hostile malice.
— President Obama’s Administration, 28, 2013

All Americans have a right to “equal protection” under the law. Yet one class of people are so marginalized they are not even recognized as a discriminated against minority. The least known or even thought of in a discussion of civil rights are adopted persons.
We do not think about adoptees in this way because adoption is viewed as a social good that serves babies and children. Laws regarding adoption seem to have ignored the fact that adopted children become adult citizens who vote, serve their nation, pay taxes, marry and do everything all other citizens do, yet remain infantilized under the law, denied full equal status with their non-adopted peers in regard to access to their own original and true birth certificate.
Comprising an estimated two percent of the population, adopted persons are a discriminated minority with laws that apply only to them while denying them the same rights as non-adopted persons. No others – not even convicted felons – are denied access to their own birth certificates.
While all other American citizens can research their genealogy generations back, exposing long held “dirty” secrets, more than forty states disallow adopted persons knowing the names of their mother and father. These restrictive provisions prejudicially distinguish adoptees, in violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which provides that “no state shall … deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
After 30 years of unsuccessful attempts to reverse laws in New Jersey that deny adoptee rights, on June 13, 2013, Senator Diane Allen, NJ, introduced yet another bill in committee that would allow the state’s adopted adults to receive their birth certificate upon request. The Senator stated: “It’s a civil rights issue and it’s appalling to me we treat people this poorly. We have made them a separate class, an inferior class, because they were adopted.”
Adoptees’ denial of equal access to their birth certificate causes them disadvantage and creates potential harm to them and their offspring by disallowing them the means to acquire updated family medical history as well as putting them at risk of unknowingly committing incest.
Yet, as of this writing, only seven American states grant adult adoptees unrestricted access to their own original birth certificates (OBC) that all other citizens take for granted. Each time an adoption occurs in the United States, including step-parent adoption, the adopted person’s true and accurate record of their birth, their OBC, is sealed from them even though it is the record of their birth. This authentic document is replaced with a new certificate of “birth” with falsified data that changes the name of the individual without their request or knowledge, and identifies the adoptive parents as the parents “of birth.”
If you or I falsify vital records or identification, it’s a crime, yet every state other than Alaska and Kansas commit such state fraud, issuing a totally new birth certificate – often years after the birth took place. Called “amended” certificates, but with nothing indicating that they are not original or have been altered in any way, they can, and often do, also change the date and place of birth, and even the race of the individual.
The History
Sealing adoption records is a relatively recent development in our nation’s history. Prior to 1940, all parties to adoption had access to birth certificates and adoption-related court documents, with adoption agencies assisting separated relatives to locate one another. In the mid-twentieth century, states began to enact statutes that severed the legal bond between the birth parents and the child.
Professor Elizabeth Samuels, University of Baltimore, School of Law, attributes adoption records closure to post-World War II societal attitudes that labeled “unwed” mothers as socially deviant sinners and the children born to them “illegitimate.” Adoption by married couples served to eradicate this “impure” past.
Other historians believe the well-intentions argument for secrecy in adoption to be more of a smoke screen. Instead they point to lack of transparency as serving adoption practitioners. American adoption history, in fact. shows that unscrupulous baby brokers such as Georgia Tann and Bessie Bernard, a Brooklyn housewife, part of a baby-peddling ring in the 1940′s, pushed for secrecy in adoption to protect their methods of obtaining children for profit.
Tann, charged with stealing 5,000 children from their families, provided children for high paying clientele including celebrities, judges and politicians who gratefully helped by destroying and covering up records, as well as pushing for sealed records to become the standard of practice. Barbara Bisantz Raymond, author of The Baby Thief says that Georgia Tann “…began falsifying adoptees’ birth certificates in 1928. She did so to cover her crimes, but claimed that it spared the shame of being known to have been adopted — and, often, born outside wedlock.” She ran her fraudulent adoption ring for decades because “saving children” resonates with the public, and sealed birth records virtually guarantees little or no accountability.
The 1940s and 50s was a time when shame and secrecy extended to infertility. Thus, sealing of adoption records served well the only fee-paying party to the transaction. Adoption was able to be presented to prospective adopters, who had fears about the idea, as a way to have a child that would be the same “as if” the child were born into their family. Social workers routinely instructed adopters not to reveal the truth of adoption as it might cause the child to feel less a part of the family. “Amended” birth certificates made it all possible. As a result, many adults born and adopted then were never told that they were adopted. The only “birth” certificate they have provides no indication of the document having been amended leaving them in the dark, giving false medical history and exposing them to unknowingly committing incest.
Most find out eventually and if they are lucky, find a sub group within the adoption community known as Late Discovery Adoptees (LDA) where they can get support to deal with having everything they have believed to be true taken from them; their lives turned upside down. Some experience shock, others feel a sense of confirmation; many feel betrayed to learn that their extended families knew and conspired in the conspiracy of silence
All of this lying and secret keeping occurred despite child welfare experts of the 1950s recommending that OBCs remain available to adult adoptees. Initially, most states sealed adoption records from the public, or all persons except the adoptee. By 1960, 28 of the 48 then-existing states created legislation obliterating the adopted child’s past by sealing his original birth certificate from the adoptee himself.
Pennsylvania sealed their adoption records in 1984 and Alabama did so in 1991. By 1990, only three states allowed adult adoptees to see their original authentic birth records on demand – and by 1998 only Kansas and Alaska, which never sealed adoption records, still allowed unconditional access. State by state description of access and restrictions is available on the American Adoption Congress website.
All the while, a grassroots movement was forming to oppose these restrictive and prejudicial laws. Jean Paton (aka Ruthena Hill Kittsona) social worker, and author of Orphan Voyage, herself twice adopted, began writing and speaking out for adoptees’ right to equality in 1949. Not long after Paton began her fight on the West Coast, Florence Fisher founded the Adoptee Liberation Movement (ALMA) in New York. During the 1970s local search and support groups organized across the country and flourish today online
As a result of this modest grassroots adoptees rights movement, a small handful of states have restored adoptees rights, many with limited access and provisions such as age limits, or veto rights for parents of birth that do not apply to non-adopted citizens. Such conditions maintain inequality.
For and Against
In 1978 the Department of Health, Education and Welfare (HEW) commissioned a panel of adoption professionals to draft model legislation as a guide for states to reform their adoption laws. Released in 1980, the Draft Model State Adoption Act recommended that all adoptees be given free access to their OBC at the age of majority. This has yet to occur.
The prestigious adoption think tank, The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute concludes that, “Barring adopted adults from access to their OBCs wrongly denies them a right enjoyed by all others in our country, and is not in their best interests for personal and medical reasons. Alternatives such as mutual consent registries are ineffective … [and] the vast majority of birthmothers don’t want to be anonymous to [their] children…”
The Institute recommends all states unseal original birth certificates for all adult adoptees, retroactively and prospectively, and states with restrictive access amend those limitations. The American Adoption Congress (AAC) likewise supports full unrestricted access for adoptees as does Bastard Nation, the Adoptee Rights Coalition and dozens of state adoptee rights organizations.
The HEW model state adoption act spawned backlash in the form of new lobbyists for the mega billion dollar adoption industry such as the National Council for Adoption (NCFA), who in turn formed alliances with Catholics, Mormons, and Evangelical Christians to keep adoptions secretive. Paid to keep adoption agencies and practitioners – which operate more lucratively under the veil of secrecy – in business, they claim publically to be concerned for protecting the rights of mothers to remain anonymous. However, such protection was never a reason for sealing the records.
State records reveal birth certificates were sealed to protect the adoptive family from interference by birth families, exposure to embarrassment, or blackmail. Protection of the confidentiality of birthparents was never mentioned as a concern or reason to seal the records.
Adoption occurs in two steps. First, there must be obtained, voluntarily or involuntarily, a relinquishment of parents rights by the parents of birth. It is not until adoption, not relinquishment, that adoption records are sealed. Parents who have relinquished their rights to a child are not party to the adoption proceedings and not notified when, or even if, an adoption takes place. If a relinquished child remains in foster care, if the adoption is never filed or finalized properly, or the child dies before such an event takes place, the record of his original birth remains open to the public. Thus, relinquishing parents could never have been given promises of secrecy.
There might be an assumption of confidentiality from public knowledge of the birth and surrender of rights, but not anonymity from their own flesh and blood. No one has a “right” to anonymity, or the protection of a secret and it is impossible to guarantee either. In today’s Internet world, anyone can be found and any secret revealed. Adoptees are reunited every day, despite sealed birth certificates, and are welcomed 90% of the time. Many birth mothers support the rights of adoptees. In 1998 Oregon, mothers who relinquished took out a full page advertisement denouncing claims they were promised anonymity, helping to pass initiative Measure 58 allowing adoptees unrestricted access in that state.
Mothers who fear being discovered can change their name, or, if found, simply tell their child to leave them alone. Sufficient laws exist to protect us all from harassment, stalking and unwanted contact. Specific laws that apply only to adopted persons and their original parents are unnecessary and treat adoptees as assumed guilty or dangerous and their mothers and fathers in need of special protections that apply to no other adults.
Adoptee rights are opposed by the Right-to-Life movement and Catholic adoption agencies because of an unsubstantiated belief that, if the secrecy were removed, women would choose abortion over placing their child for adoption. The fact is that in states that have granted adoptees equal access to their OBC, there has been no increase in abortions or decrease in adoption placements, and the vast majority of mothers who relinquish children for adoption today request open adoption with ongoing communication between birth and adoptive families.
Others opposing adoptees’ right to access, astonishingly including some state chapters of the ACLU which is split on the issue. In some states they side with protecting the alleged “rights” of relinquishing parents likely to serving their attorney members whose livelihoods are derived from adoption as well as members who seek to adopt and prefer no “intrusion” in their lives by natural parents. Their fears, while understandable, deny the civil rights of their children. In other states ACLU has come out in favor of lifting the restrictions and creating equality for adoptees.
Equality for All
Gays, long denied rights because their status was thought to be a lifestyle choice, are being granted marriage equality state by state, in large part because they are out-of-the-closet in large numbers and in public positions, marching and demanding their equality while adoptees remain for the most part invisible and silent.
Adoptees – who certainly had no part whatsoever in choices made about their adopted status – remain largely unseen and unheard of as a civil rights movement. Not faced with the violence the LGBT community is subjected to, makes it easier to passively accept their denial of rights. Many have internalized societal edicts that demand their gratitude. They are told that their natural curiosity, and even their need for updated family medical history, is a slap in the face to those who raised them. Their fear of hurting their adopters and the possibility of being rejected or abandoned – again – often results in waiting until adoptive parents have died to search, or doing so in secret and even some who search and reunite are reluctant to speak out for adoptee rights lest they appear to “bite the hand that feeds them.” With no intent or malice on the part of adoptive parents, some adoptees have compared their experience to those who suffer Stockholm Syndrome.
Yet adoptees, together with adoptive and birth parents, have been fighting their oppression and as a result, as of this writing seven states – Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, Maine, New Hampshire, Oregon and Rhode Island – allow adopted persons unrestricted access to their original unaltered birth records. Another small handful of states have granted limited access, and the fight continues in the remainder of states.
Secret keeping in adoption no longer serves the best interests of children. It instead serves a mega-billion dollar entrepreneurial industry that caters to the demand for children for adoption by those willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars per child. State legislators need to see past the smoke and mirrors presented by industry paid lobbyists and reverse these draconian policies and regulations. In addtion, the federal government needs to deem it unconstitutional for states to discriminate against adoptees, and unlawful to continue to falsify birth certificates in a day and age that no longer stigmatizes children born to single moms.
How can we as a nation continue to allow these injustices? How can we promote adoption as a loving option when each adoption that goes forth condemns yet another citizen to discrimination, maintaining them as second-class citizens, forever infantilized and under suspicion of causing harm for having been born? How can we pledge our allegiance to a nation that does not provide liberty and justice for all of its citizens equally?
Jean Paton, founder of the adoptee rights movement, wrote: “Here… is a possibility for freedom or for slavery that perhaps has been overlooked. . . “

Mirah Riben is an activist/author/lecturer. Read other articles by Mirah, or visit Mirah's website.

This article was posted on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 at 8:00am and is filed under Children.

- See more at: http://dissidentvoice.org/2013/06/the-last-and-least-recognized-americans-denied-equal-rights/#sthash.apNNRZmh.dpuf

making new memories...

"A memory is a photograph taken by the heart to make a special moment last forever."

~ Unknown

I am off to make some new memories with my son and his family...Getting on a plane to go visit for 9 days!! I am so excited for this trip (I have not been in their company for almost 9 weeks, the longest seperation we have had since out reuniting)...I will be there to celebrate my grand daughters graduation from 8th grade along with her Confirmation. A very special moment that my heart can photograph.

I am so blessed to be able to celebrate these "forever" things with them...just over a year ago that would not have been possible. I cherish the memory of my first embrace with my son when we reunited...I remember conversations we have had...I now get to see my grandchildren grow up (grandchildren that I never knew I had!) 

I am growing more and more each day with gratitude for the bounty of my life...I am humbled by the magnitude of my existence...I think about this extraordinary year and I am filled with the joy from the memories we have made together...I am filled with love knowing that I will now be able to keep these memories forever and that there are many more to make.

I am off line now for the time I am with them...that time is precious and I want to be present for every moment of it...for every new memory we are about to make.   

Are we all the same?...

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled. ~Bill Watterson Recently someone suggested that I read a book about adoption...more specifically about adoptees. The book is titled: The PRIMAL WOUND...Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier    I was curious so I ordered it off of Amazon...and I immediately started reading. There are four separate chapters broken down into 16 different sub chapters....222 pages...3 glossary pages...a reference page, suggested reading and of course the about the author page...231 total pages.   This is not a book review...these are my opinions only, but it seems as if my thoughts have been repeating a pattern...as well as this book did for me. This book along with a few others that I have read "lump" all adoptees into the group of having a deep wound from being adopted. It suggests that all adoptees whether the they choose to admit this or not still have it. There has been a lot of conversation about "what does a little baby know anyhow". I will readily admit that when I was pregnant for Gerard, although the first part of that pregnancy was stressful I did love being pregnant. I loved the feel of him growing within me...I would wrap my arms around him and hold him...I would sing to him and do silly dances...I would talk to him and read books to him...OK....So he likes to sing songs and has one for most situations...he likes to do silly little dances and is not embarrassed to do them in public places...he likes to read...and when I wrapped my arms around him when we were reunited it felt natural and right. I also will readily admit that when I was pregnant for my other two children I did the same thing...however...they get embarrassed by me and always have been (especially as children, they would do that eye rolling thing...and go to another isle so no one would know they were with me) when I sing to the music in the store or dance in the isle! Neither of them likes to read...We do have that hugging that we love to do...Hummmmm...3 different children...2 I raised and 1 I did not....go figure! These books somehow seem to suggest that ALL adoptees need to be "healed" in some sort of way. I suggest that we as humans all need to be healed in some sort of way.  I am not suggesting that some adoptees do not have a wound that needs to be healed...I am not suggesting that adoption hasn't played a part in my life (obviously I have written here about it) What I am suggesting: is there one person who can say that they do not hold onto something from their life that has left a hole in their heart? Something that needs to be "healed". These books also suggest that if the adoptee says that they do not have this "wound" that they are fooling themselves...they have a false sense of self and must dig deeper in order to heal. I suggest that if one must "dig" deeper than perhaps there is nothing to dig for...that one has already come to terms, or acceptance in some way and has made "peace" with whatever it is that needed to heal that "wound". We are all responsible for our own happiness...and I will happily not read anymore of these books...I think that in 2011 when I made peace with myself in a small way by saying that I might not meet my son in my life time...I believe I was beginning to let go of the patterns that I had held on to for so long...in 2012 upon reuniting...those patterns resurfaced for me to be acknowledged and let go of....Gerard seems to just flow with life...If he has a "primal wound" I have not seen it...He is grateful to ALL his parents for the part they have played in his wonderful life... Neither of us are either passive or unfulfilled...neither of us were that way before we reunited...Since meeting I do believe that we each know more about ourselves...and we each are just that much happier... We as human beings we ARE responsible for our own happiness... What makes you happy today?

Gratitude...

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It turns a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie

I am taking an online class...and this quote came across my inbox as part of the principles of this class that I am working on bringing more into my life. As I read this quote and thought about what I would write here today, I realized that I have a great deal to be grateful for regarding not only reuniting with Gerard, but also about the adoption it self.

The quote tells me that "gratitude makes sense of our past"...for years I held onto the belief that I was not grateful for the adoption...I was actually down right angry with it...I was angry with myself...I was angry with my sweetheart...I was angry with not being able to have the "happily ever after"...I was angry with the way society viewed unmarried Mothers...I was angry with the system...

But today, because of the reuniting with Gerard, I am grateful...I am making sense of my past. I realize more than ever that the choice that was made in 1969 was made from my heart...and although I felt as if I was "forced" into that decision by a great many outside forces, I believe that it was the RIGHT thing to do for Gerard...for his parents...for myself. I doubt I would be feeling this way had we not reunited...

So here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...

1. I am grateful that Gerard was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.

2. I am grateful for his parents...for being there for Gerard...for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.

3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised...I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.

4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.

5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a strong bond of love...for being an active part of his life and his families life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.

I release the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...

stories...

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
~ Maya Angelou

We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...

Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.

Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.

 It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?

I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.

We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them.  By releasing them we heal and we grow...

Not for the faint at heart...

" The future doesn't belong to the faint-hearted; it belongs to the brave." ~ Ronald Reagan

Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years)

Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up to...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece.

As I talked about yesterday...I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but Gerard did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...when I did register we both received paperwork that provided us with each others names and addresses...but we both needed to be registered in order to receive this information...

Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...

One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...

they must be brave...

Rights...

Amendment XIV.
(Ratified July 9, 1868)

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Does a birth certificate fall under the wording of "property"?  Does an adoptee/birth parent fall under the wording of "any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws"?

 

Birth Certificate:

 

Do you have yours? You know the one with the State seal on it? I had to get a new one several years ago when I wanted to get my passport...it was an easy process, I went down to the records building...filled out the proper paper work...showed my drivers licenses...paid my $30 and within minutes I had a crisp new birth certificate...showing my name at birth...my birth parents names...where I was born...yes I was a citizen of the United States of America.

Now, imagine that you are adopted...that birth certificate has been amended...it now holds the names of your adopted parents as your birth parents...nothing else has been altered...you were still born in the proper city and your date of birth is correct...now imagine that you are an adult adoptee who wishes to find out the name of your birth parents...imagine you would like family history medical information (we all have to fill out those forms at any Doctors' office)...now imagine that the state has decided that you CANNOT have this information! What would you do? How would you feel? Is it right that your original birth certificate has been locked away and that YOU are not privy to it?

That is the reality in most states regarding birth certificates for adoptees. The perpetual cycle of the "secret" is still being kept. Why? They claim it is because we birth Mothers signed papers that said we WANTED to be kept a "secret"...I truly do not believe that we had a choice in whether we signed that paper or not...it was part of the packet...part of the process...I know that I certainly would not have signed that paper had I not been told that it was part of making the adoption legal.

New York State is one of many states that still has the sealed records in place...but there is a bill that is hoping to get to the floor that will open these birth certificates up to adult adoptees. I realize that most people have no idea what bills are up for voting on by our elected officials...unless of course it directly affects you...The  Adoptees Rights bill for NY is : A909/S2490A

Isn't it time we come together for change and get NY to recognize ALL of its citizens, whether they are adopted or not? EVERYONE should have the RIGHT to their original birth certificate.

 

After I was reunited with my son, I went back to the records building...filled out the proper paper work with his birth name on it and showed my ID...I waited...I waited...people kept checking the computer...finally the manager of the department came to me and said..."are you sure you have the right information?"  YES... "is this certificate part of an adoption?"  YES..."I'm sorry then, that information is NOT available to you"...Next I tried to get hospital records...I know that they have to keep a record of all births and deaths...but I was told that those records are only kept for 25 years...and that because my son was now 42 he would have to request them himself (wait didn't you just tell me that you did not have them anymore?!)

 



Recently my thoughts have gone to these records more and more, as I am meeting more adoptees and birth mothers....Why does the original birth certificate have to be a "secret"?..Why is it that the person it truly belongs to is NOT allowed to have it as an adult? Why does the original birth certificate have to be altered? Why can't instead of an altered birth certificate the new certificate be just that: A Certificate of Adoption or instead of "birth mother/father" it clearly states "adoptive mother/father"? (weren't we told that adoption was a good and wonderful thing?)

I do understand a child not having information before they are ready to handle it...I do understand that not all children are told that they are adopted till later in life...

what I do not understand is WHY an adult does not have the RIGHT to have this information...

SUPPORT THE ADOPTEE BILL OF RIGHTS BILL!

Smiling...

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all which have the potential to turn a life around."
~ Leo F. Buscaglia


Today would of been my husband's 64th birthday...he passed away just before his 62nd one...

Today, I will honor his birthday...I will celebrate his life...I will celebrate my time with him...I will celebrate, and although I miss him terribly I will not be sad...for what would my life have been had I not had him in it? Does that mean that the age old saying of: "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" hold true in this case...well, I suppose it does!

A year after my husband passed was when I reunited with Gerard...I look at it as my husbands gift to me...I believe that he watches over me...I have said before that he was a big supporter of mine...he held my hand and dried my tears over the years that we were together when I would sink into a depression over the adoption...I think of that depression today and I realize a great many things...

I am not an "angry" birth mother... but rather I believe that I was a "sad" birth mother...I believe that the depression came from the fact that I had no idea how he was...I had no idea if he was well and happy...if I could get a glimpse into his life perhaps that would of helped...but then perhaps that would of hurt more...I always held in my heart that his parents loved him dearly...that he was provided for and loved beyond measure...and I am happy to know now that he was!

Today as I celebrate I know that my good husband is smiling down on me...smiling because he is not forgotten...smiling because he gave ME a gift of LOVE!

Smiling because there is so much love surrounding me today...

Education...

"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world."
~ Nelson Mandela

 

Over the past week I have witnessed myself being judgemental...and that judgement went in several directions...

1. I met a young woman who is now in her mid 30's...her daughter is graduating from high school this year...this is such an exciting time in both of their lives...and yet her Mother knows that this is the beginning of letting go so that her daughter's wings will completely unfurl. Her daughter is a good student...well adjusted...and her Mother is college educated...and her Mother was only 16 years old when she was born...I applaud her for making the decision to keep her child...I applaud her for making a life for the two of them (she has other children also)...

2. I talked to a grandmother...a grandmother and grandfather who are raising their grandson. Their daughter gave birth when she was 15 years old...she decided that she would keep her son...but things got hectic fast as any Mother knows...there are sleepless nights...YOU no longer come first...so you don't get to go to the parties and the movies with your friends, anymore...and it became overwhelming for her...she ran away, leaving her son in her parents care...she entrusted him legally to them to raise...and now after 7 years she has decided that she wants him back...she has enjoyed all the fun times of celebrating with her son...but she has left all the work to her parents...So, where do I stand on this? I applaud the grandparents for stepping in and stepping up to a situation that they had hoped would be different...and this is their daughter...but now 7 years later should she be able to come in and take a child from the only stable home he has ever known? I can honestly say that I do not think so...but that now is in the hands of the court system...and my heart breaks for all of them.

3. I met a 14 year old girl who was strolling a baby, on a beautiful Spring day...a darling baby, and I could not help but stop them and coo over her...I assumed that this young girl was this babies sister...I assumed wrong...this child was all decked out in the latest Nike shoes...the perfect outfit...looking more like a little doll than a child...I asked her how she liked being a Mother...her reply struck me as that of a 14 year old girl..."I love being a Mother...I love dressing her up and taking her out and showing her off"...She said her parents help her take care of the baby because she could not do this on her own...HUMMM...makes me wonder which way it will turn out...like #1 or #2....

No two situations are the same...which made me think about education...

The Day After pill is now available for girls over the counter at 14 years old....and now condoms line the shelves at the grocery store...and in bathroom machines...birth control is readily available in some schools...there are classes in school where  girls and boys are given a computerized doll that they have to take care of...the baby cries and needs attention like a real baby, and if you don't meet its needs somehow it is recorded...and yet all kids know this is just a doll...this is not real life. The worse thing that happens is that you fail the class if you don't properly take care of the doll.

Education...the cornerstone of life in some ways...parenthood cannot be taught...it is something I believe that comes with being strong enough and old enough to allow another human being to come before our self...now, that does not have an age limit...it could be that a 14 year old has that capability...I have met some 30 year olds' who still don't have it....

I remember when I was a junior in high school we had a class called Hygiene...it was there that we were given the "facts of life" with a series of movies and class discussions about reproduction...I remember that I wrote a paper on how I thought that premartial sex was wrong...and yet a year later I was pregnant...what I do not remember about that class was anyone telling me about taking precautions...about what the choices might be if you became pregnant...about the sacrifices that a parent must make for their children...

I thought about my own experience with talking to my children about the heart break that I carried because I entrusted my first born...I talked to them about the importance of "safe" sex...because we all know the reality of our teenagers having sex...I thought about talking to the girls who were pregnant when I was in my 20's and how adoption was a wonderful option to their unplanned pregnancy (I dislike the phrase "unwanted pregnacy") and yet it was a decision that should come about because that is what they really want in their hearts, because there were long term emotions that they would deal with that came along with that decision. I thought about how perhaps when the school is teaching this "parenting" class perhaps they might get a hold of a local organization that consists of "searchers"...birthmothers..adoptees who are looking for the missing piece of their lives and the long term effect that has had on them...

No two situations are the same...but education seems to be the key.

new ending...

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard

I have been reviewing the year the past few days....I have looked at and read all the cards and letters that Gerard and the family have sent to me...they have a special spot next to by bed... beside the night light he made for me...along with a picture of the two of us... I see them each night and again each morning...perhaps reminding me that all this is so real...perhaps it is to keep him close...There are now photos of him and the family along side pictures of my daughter and son...my grandson...and my beloved husband and kitties that line my desk in my studio...he is always close by for me to glance at now along side those that I love...my heart smiles when I see them all there...for although I dreamed...hoped and wished to be reunited with him, I know that there were many times that I did not feel that would happen...I could not go back and make things different...

2012 was a year full of discoveries and understanding...and I believe that all of it has to do with reuniting...I have found that I have had to be introspective about my fears and the pain that I have been carrying around for so long...a sort of spring cleaning of the soul. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me to face the pain that I had been locking away for so long....I don't believe that I ever allowed myself to go through the "grieving" process of entrusting him to adoption...the "secret" was placed in a box and locked deep in my heart...there were times when it rocked and rattled its chains causing me to go into a deep depression...there were times when it slid to the front of my heart but it would not open itself up...
 
Once it opened I finally felt a freedom...my heart has become full of light and I feel as if in this past year that I am unfolding...I am opening up...I am stretching...I am becoming more ME! Secrets have a way of weighing you down...holding you back...they do not allow you to grow properly...I am feeling much more grounded...roots being planted firmly in the ground...broken branches are mending...I am once again growing....I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the 18 year old girl in me has finally been allowed to grieve...she finally has a voice...she finally has learned to forgive herself. Reuniting has been extremely positive for me...I am over joyed to tell my "secret" to anyone and everyone...it is so liberating...I feel as if I am seeing myself through new eyes...

Who are we at 18? What do we really know about our self at that age? I imagine some people are focused...some people know exactly what they want out of life...but for me...I don't believe I had any idea and so becoming pregnant and then having to let go of my child formed in my adolescent mind a negative image of my self....and no matter how old I became there was always that part of me that was 18 years old with that negative image...carrying that image around for 42 years it became quite heavy...I have finally been able to put that luggage down...let go of the image and tell that 18 year old girl that things turned out exactly as they were meant to be...

I am a firm believer in "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose"...and this is my season now with Gerard...this is our time...

this is the beginning of our brand new ending...

a widening circle...

"Our family is a circle of love and strength. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every obstacle faced together makes the circle stronger."
~Unknown

I received a phone call from Gerard in the early afternoon yesterday...what a wonderful surprise to hear from him during working hours...We had a brief chat and he told me that the real reason for his call was that he needed his sisters' address. My first thought was "I don't know your sisters' address". He has a sister and a brother in his NY family...and he has a sister and brother here in upstate. But my mind went first to his sister in NY...and then FLASH...Oh...your sister here! And I gave him his sisters address...the address of my daughter.

I smiled after I hung up...I laughed at myself...I danced a little around the house! Everything is still so new! Gerard is my son ...and he is ALSO my daughter and my sons older brother...He is not the middle child here (as he is in NY)... he is the older brother...he is my grandsons uncle...he is my mothers grandson...he is my siblings nephew...he is now really a part of this family also...

And it got me to thinking about how many people adoption affects...of course we automatically think of the birth mother...the adoptee...the adoptive family...but it goes so much farther than that doesn't it? I don't believe that I have ever thought too much about it...I have always just considered it to be the triad...

However, it has an impact on all family members. I remember when I told my Mother I was pregnant and her reaction and apparent disconnection...I realize now that she was protecting herself from the pain of losing her first grandchild...when I told her we reunited she was SO happy...she said that I deserved to know him/and him me...There are my other children who have known about him since they were teens...but now he actually is part of our lives...there are the feelings that they have gone through about having to suddenly really share me...there are my siblings and their extended families that are happy for us...and friends...all this happiness...and yet none of the loss...grief...or guilt was ever talked about before...There is Gerard's entire family...his wife and children...his parents...his siblings...nieces and nephews...there were grandparents and aunts and uncles...and all the emotions they must be going through...

The last time that the number of adoptions in the United States was compiled was in 1992...the number was 126,951. This number included all adoptions...international, foster, private agency, private lawyer and step-parent adoptions. Statics gathered say that 58% of Americans know someone who has been adopted...has adopted...or who has relinquish a child...that's a lot of people.

As my thoughts go around this today, I am aware that I never really considered how others would react not only to my reuniting but also with the fact that I had entrusted him in the first place...I never really looked at it through anyone eyes other than my own. I see now that the circle widens with age... parents, siblings, extended family members...close friends is just the beginning...

Our circle growing wider and ever stronger every day... 

beginning the world again...

Every child begins the world again….
~Henry David Thoreau

As I am learning to forgive myself...learning to forgive the circumstances surrounding entrusting my son to the adoption system...learning to move forward with joy in my heart...I am becoming more and more aware of the individuality of each of us. We all know it...but rarely do you recognize it and honor it...You often hear people saying.."oh, you are just like your mother/father" or "you get that from ..." (a member of your family) but who really talks about the heart of a person?

As Gerard was growing up with his family I often thought about who he might look like...or if he had a love of reading or a big sense of humor...what color hair did he have or if he loved school or was he an artist... I also knew that I might never know the answer to any of these questions and so many more that rumbled around in my head over the years...I knew that I could not undo what had been done, I had entrusted him to his parents to raise...and although he has a great many traits that I see and acknowledge as genetic...he also has a great many core values that came from the way he was raised (at least this is what I believe).

During different times in the last 43 years I have felt that I did not have a right to search for my son. Many of those feelings came from guilt and hurt...but some came from the fact that I did sign documents that gave up my legal rights and responsibilities...so did that mean that I gave up the emotional and spiritual ties I had for him also?  I never forgot him...I never let him go...I never stopped wondering how he was or where he was...healthy? happy? No amount of time could take that away from me...he was always with me spiritually...he was always in my heart...he is a part of who I am.

Being reunited has begun the healing process for me. I reached out to Gerard in love...not to hurt anyone nor did I think that somehow I was entitled to now because he was an adult...I have said many times, and I will continue to say how blessed I have been...Our reuniting has been perfect, and the relationship we are forming is wonderful.

When we first reunited I went though a time when I wished I could go back and do it over ..but this time it would be different...this time I would raise him...this time I would nurture my newborn for more than 2 days...another stage I went through was that  I wanted to be "available" for him all the time...I wanted to be in constant contact with him...I wanted him to know I was there for him..I felt needy sometimes and very protective...just like every new mother feels about their new born child...because even though he is an adult...I felt like a "new" mother with all the emotional responses of one.

I am more relaxed now...I no longer feel the need to apologize for myself about the adoption...or my regrets...I am no longer afraid that I am going to lose him again...I have accepted that I cannot "mother" him...there are still moments that pull at my heart and I wish that things could of been different, but I am not letting that weigh me down...the guilt and the hurt is being washed away...It is being replaced with the wish to have a positive relationship with him...a closeness...to nurture him with unconditional love...just as every mother wants to do with their adult child...

The torn piece of my heart is mending...no longer wide open...it is becoming a scar, which I suppose I will always carry with me... but being reunited has given me a new attitude toward adoption...it is no longer a dark secret that has to be hidden away...all this is coming about with patience...with understanding...and with BIG LOVE! ( a saying that my daughter-in-law is so fond of saying)

Today, I come full circle again...full circle to his parents...to the way he was raised and his core values...knowing that they helped him have a good and positive outlook on the adoption process...knowing that they told him that I loved him...knowing that he was given permission to carry me in his heart.

Gerards' heart is good...he has a positive outlook on life...he laughs and he makes me laugh...he is kind and caring...he is thoughtful and sentimental...(yes...I am a proud mother...and boy do I love to talk about and praise my children!)  I love him for the person that he is...the fact that I did not raise him does not change that love in any way...

Every child does indeed begin the world again...but what I have found is that it can be a 43 year old child that can do that just as much as a 3 day old child.

My world has indeed begun again...

moment to moment...

“Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.”
~ William Arthur Ward

A year has passed since that first nervous phone call...A year that on some days seems to have flown by...on others as if it was  just yesterday...We celebrated our "anniversary" with cards and a book for Gerard...and the most heart warming voice mail of the entire family singing "Happy Anniversary" to me.  Then on May 11th with Gerard calling me for "Birth Mother's Day" and then on Mother's Day also...there were cards and gifts...but most importantly there was LOVE!

What I am learning over this past year could fill a book. One thing is that our lives are constantly in motion...and change is a constant element of that motion. That the shifts in our energy are the direct result of our choices. It could be an intention we have for ourselves...a change in our perspective, seeing things from a different view...or forgiveness...all have the ability to change our lives in a blink of an eye...when we think positive thoughts our world becomes brighter and happier. All we have to do is make that our goal because with each passing moment we are given so many opportunities to create change with nothing more than a thought. If we bear in mind that all that we think and do shapes the life that we know, than we can chose positive thoughts instead of negative ones.

The choices that we make from moment to moment allows us to grow...grow as a person...grow in a relationship...grow spiritually...with our thoughts and actions we go through different stages of our growth...like flowers and leaves some of the growth cannot be seen at first...but with time they become visible...colorful...soft and releasing. And with the proper warmth from ourselves we can unfold little by little, revealing a new shape...a new color...a new dimension of our self.

Appreciating the full beauty of the different stages of change we can learn to be gentle with ourselves...we can learn to nurture ourselves...we can learn to believe in ourselves. Every moment has its own beauty...we must feel the wisdom contained in the budding and the blossoming...and then we can begin to feel it everywhere...in each moment that comes and goes...in every hello and goodbye...in each morning and night...for life, is full of its own ebbs and flows....and it is our choice how we ride the waves.

I am learning all this as my relationship grows with my son and his family...I am learning to let go of "bad" thoughts I have held onto about myself due to entrusting my son to adoption...I am learning that I am the maker of my happiness...I am learning how to participate better...how to care more for myself and others without fear...how to practice what I am learning every day...how to be kinder...and how to forgive myself...

I am learning...

just because...

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  ~ Dr Seuss

The funny thing about a "secret" is once you let it go you feel liberated in a lot of ways...and it suddenly becomes safe for others to tell their "secret". It is like a snowball effect....it gets larger and larger. I have had the privilege of not only sharing my story about adoption with others now for the past year with great joy, but I have also had the privilege of hearing other peoples stories. Had I NOT contacted an old friend on facebook who knows if I would be writing here today. No two stories are the same...but each one has been told from the heart.

 

I have also read a few "adoption" books...stories of other peoples' feelings about adoption...theories about how adoptees...birth mothers...adopted families feel and how adoption has affected their lives...some of these books were written by Doctors and others written by either birth mothers or adoptees...and what I found is that very little of what most of them wrote mirrored Gerard's and my story...and most of them led the reader to believe that ALL adoptees and birth mothers felt the same...angry...depressed...lacking...and although I can relate to some of what they say...I rarely believe that I feel such resentment as they describe...nor does Gerard.

 

I am finding that Gerard is much more adjusted with being adopted than I am about entrusting him to the adoption (but I am consciously working on that) What I have found from reading and talking is that:  EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!

 

 

 

 

A photo...

"Happiness is not so much in having or sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." ~ Norman MacEwan

 

It was now the month of March...the longest period of absent time we had gone since our meeting in July (although we talk to each other once a week and I am in touch by texting with my daughter-in-law and grandchildren and sometimes we skype!)...It had been 8 weeks since I was last at my sons' house. I was going to spend another "first" with them. I was going to celebrate the birthday of my oldest grand daughter (who was born on the same day as my own Dad, she would be turning 14 ) and my oldest grand son (who would be turning 11). It was so wonderful to once again be in all of their company...I feel so at home when I am there...this is my family and I love them all dearly...and it feels so natural...so normal, as if it has always been like this. (I suppose in some ways it has in my heart)   While there Gerard shared boxes full of memories with me...school documents...report cards and journals that he kept when he was young...college papers. He had saved so many things and now I was getting another glimpse into his life, his younger life...I had brought one thing with me to share with him...I brought a picture of his Father at the age of 30 (his Father and I had gotten together when we were both 30 for dinner and he gave me the picture...I was not sure why at the time, but I do know now that it was because I was suppose to share it with Gerard). I gave it to him...he said nothing...he made a copy, I told him he could keep the original, but he chose not to, and then he gave me a sheet of paper and an envelope...I wrote down his Fathers name and where he lived...and he sealed the envelope. When and if he wanted to open it...he now had it in his possession, and did not have to ask me for the copy I had in my strong box.   When I returned home, I started getting fearful again...why was I so fearful of giving him his Fathers name and address? Why was I questioning that? Did he not deserve to know who he was? Did I think that somehow I would not be as important in his life if he contacted his Father? Was I fearful for him at the reaction that he might get from his Father should he contact him? The answer to all these questions was YES!  And because I was trying very hard to let go of the past...to stay ever present I decided that I would write Gerard the following letter...but instead of sending it by snail mail...I sent an E mail so that he would get it quickly.

Dear Gerard,

I am readjusting to being home once again...although it gets better each time I return from a visit it is still an adjustment. This morning I have quite a few things running around in my mind that I want to talk with you about.

I am thinking about the picture of your Father that I gave to you and how you did not have anything to say about it when I presented it to you...I am thinking about writing his name down in a sealed envelope for you...I am thinking about whether or not you would tell me if you opened that envelope,or even if that is my business...

I have to be truly honest with myself...why did I take so long to look for that photo? The answer I came up with is that I honestly thought it was in your best interest not to...I thought that just meeting me was enough to handle at the moment...I thought that I wanted to keep you all to myself after his reaction to our reuniting...I thought that I wanted to protect you....

I wonder today if that wasn't a selfish act on my part...If I was projecting how I was feeling about him onto you...I wonder today if the decision naturally needs to be yours without my input..

As we both believe, each of the choices we make every day has the potential to impact our lives. Some choices touch us to our very core...awakening poignant feelings within us. Others seem at first to be simple but prove to be confusingly complex. All these questions and my thoughts seem to fall into this category today. I am not sure if I approached the decision making process from a balanced emotional and intellectual foundation, when it comes to your Father. Have I achieved equilibrium in my heart and mind so that I could clearly see both sides?
 

Balance within and balance without go hand in hand. It seems as if I have been called to choose between two options...to give you the photo and name or not to...Whether this is attractive or distasteful to me should not come into play. In the beginning I was not coming to the decision from a place of balance...so my choice now seems as if it was overly emotional...So I took a time-out before deciding to share with you...right or wrong it gave me ample opportunity to determine that sharing was in accordance with my values...that everyone has the right to know who they are according to their heritage and birth.
 

I cannot project upon you the feelings of 43 years ago...In life there will always be times when we are affected by the actions of another person...I carried that thought around with me for so many years...but today, I am sitting with my feelings rather than ignoring them. It is often easier to brush off how we really feel than to express our discomfort with something that has happened to us. While this might initially seem like the best thing to do, what it really does is put us into an unending pattern of behavior...or at least for me that seems to hold true. Not being honest we place our self in the position of victim. I no longer wish that to be part of my life story...
 

 

I am choosing to end this karmic chain by acknowledging that I forgive the 17 year old boy, who is your Father. By doing this I take a deep breath...I am gentle...I am compassionate....with my 18 year old self also. Trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. Today, I am writing from a place of great honesty... 
 

Though I am somewhat self-aware (and growing more into that) I have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to my experiences. Since our reuniting I am also finding that the significance I perceive in my experiences is rooted in my observation of patterns as they relate to me. One situation has the power to teach me about life because it exposes me to something unfamiliar...another touches my emotions deeply by enabling me to see how fortunate I am. My initial impression of an experience may not wholly reveal the true significance of that occurrence because our full response to an experience is like an onion with many layers that all have different meanings.  

So today, I am taking time to examine my experience closer...and I am discovering that my original impression is only part of a larger story of significance. Peeling away the layers, I relive that experience, your adoption, in my mind's eye...from as many perspectives as possible...knowing that this situation is based on only my facts...my feelings...my belief and my values.

The significance of an experience may remain hidden for a long time. The meaning of an event can change when viewed from another context...If I truly open my mind and my heart ...if I do not shy away from the painfulness...I am finding a peace with it...for I have found you...I am whole...but that is my story only...and I cannot speak for anyone else.

I am learning to trust and be trusted which is helping me remain committed to others. Trusting people is one of the most difficult challenges in my life since there is always the fear of getting hurt. If we do not trust ourselves we are not offering others our full attention...

So, I shared those two things with you because our relationship is full of trust...it is full of unconditional love and support. 

I love you Gerard.

Love,

Mom

I was finally allowing myself to turn a corner...

questioning myself...

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong


After returning home I started questioning everything...I started getting into my "flight" mode...I could feel it just under the surface of my skin...why? Everything was going along so perfectly. And then it was brought to my attention by my Doctor...you have no road map...you have nothing to compare what is going on to...you are raking up a lot of unresolved issues with yourself...you haven't let go of the guilt you have placed on yourself...this is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...

You know yourself better than anyone...get quiet with yourself and start to figure it out. You are not going to ever leave him again...and he knows that. He wants you in his life and you know that...be gentle with yourself.

Up until now I had no problem being vulnerable with my son especially when I wrote letters to him...but I was having a difficult time. I think the full impact of having him in my life had finally hit me, this Christmas holiday... It was bringing up emotional responses from deep within...

"I have to make up for all the lost time"..."I have to show him that I am a good woman"..."I have to see him and talk to him in order to make sure he understands"..."I need for him to forgive me"..."I want to be totally connected"..."when will I see him again"..."does he truly understand that I love him"...along with so many more...

These thoughts and feelings were stopping me in my tracks...they were making me feel sad and depressed...they were bringing back so many feelings from 1969 that I had buried...and yet, I knew I had not buried all of them because they have played such a major part in my life. They had not manifested them self in the way where I could say...Yes, I feel like this because of the adoption...but rather they were sneaky, showing up when I had no idea why. I had a fear of driving at night time... I suffered from anxiety attacks...and depression. I let people only get so close to me even if I loved them...I was quiet with my feelings, afraid most would not understand them...I could be loud when I wanted to make sure I was being heard...I was my own worst enemy at times, and would self sabotage myself at many turns...I had a lack of confidence...If you asked any of my friends if these things were true, they would probably say "who are you talking about? She is not like that at all." But I knew I was...I knew what I hid and what I exposed...

I was keeping myself from sharing these feelings with him because I did not want to appear needy...pushy...or feel like I was asking to much of him and his family...but that is how I was feeling. The one thing that kept coming up for me was that I was feeling insecure.

This relationship was so much different than the relationship I have with the children I raised. I am so accustomed to talking to my daughter and son...I talk to my son every day (he lives with me, moving in after my husband passed away) and I talk with my daughter at least 3 times a week if not more and I see her at least once a week...my grand son sleeps over night quite often...all of these facts made me feel as if I should be spending as much time as possible with Gerard...I had to remind my self that I have had the luxury of knowing my daughter for 40 years...and my son for 38...and yet, with Gerard, my oldest son, I have had less than a year. I have nothing to base what I say or do on...there is no past history for me to rely on. With my other children I know what to say and do...I know what their reaction will be to most situations...we accept each other...we know each other...we feel safe and secure with each other.

Our reuniting had powerfully touched my life. It was opening so many previous locked doors. I was discovering insights about who I am and the forces that shaped me. How much losing him had truly affected my life, and the way I dealt with different things. As I delved into my soul...I began to understand how the past had influenced me....and it was now time to empower myself by embracing those aspects of my self that add value to my life and forgive and rid my self from those that did not. Not an easy task to be that honest with yourself...not an easy task to figure out how to do... I wondered if my son went through some of these different emotions...learning about the traits that define you...exploring new answers to your personal truths...letting go of thoughts that no longer serve you...I wondered how he juggled emotionally having two mothers in his life...two separate and different families. (he believes he is a lucky man to have so many of us in his life, and he know that we all love him.)

We were making it up as we went along....I did not want to cross any lines...to much...to soon...or to fast. I know that I have not been there for him in the past, but I will always be there for him now.

And then a card came...he sent it to me the day after I left...one of our favorite hoop and yoyo talking cards..."hey, I'm thinking about you! are you thinking about me?  most likely you are! but are you thinking about me thinking about you? or are you just thinking about me? either way...it's all good!"

He wrote a short note inside...

"Yesterday you left on a trip back home...it is the reverse of my life's journey so far. Though you are not physically here please know you are always with me and you always have been. Parting is just an opportunity to have adventures that we will share with one another later. An opportunity for growth. The thought of you is a new lens through which I view the world and the images are perfect. I love you."

BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE...my heart smiled!

I decided it was truly time to grow with each new day with the gratitude of life...I would have to remind myself to be humble every day...I think of my son...I think of the extraordinary year that we are having and I am filled with joy from the memories we are making...memories that I would now have forever. I decided that it was time to stop questioning myself...it was time to let the past go and start to be ever present to the here and the now...it was time...and I would take it one moment...one hour...one day at a time...I decided that I was "good enough" to have him in my life...I decided that the belief that I had about myself that I was "bad" was totally untrue...I decided that neither of us was going to "abandon" the other...

and that Love...love was the only thing that ever mattered...

Christmas/New Years...

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now." ~unknown

I took the 8 hour train ride to NYC...the plane fare was far to much at this time of year...I could return by plane (an hour flight!) as it would be after the holidays. It took me quite some time to pack that extra suitcase full of Christmas gifts...each one was purchased with a lot of thought and great love...I also had my daughter-in-laws January birthday gift...It was fairly easy to buy for the grandchildren...even for my daughter-in-law...but for my son...for our first Christmas together....this gift had to come directly from my heart.

I decided that I would make him a journal...I filled it with all the e mails that we exchanged before we finally met each other in July, I painted each page and brought it to the life and love I felt each time I read one of those e mails...I also gave him a small wind up toy (because we love the toys!) and a book on how to make a working paper clock...the other gift that I gave him was a compass that was in a rosewood box, when you opened the box it was engraved with: We have been found. Love, Mom 2012. (in one of his e mails he made that statement..."We have been found"...I still get goose bumps when I say that out loud!)

I received a wonderful candy dish with a bird perched on the top...and several bags of peanut M & M's (both favorite things of mine) My son said that the gift he had for me was not completed yet...For he was also making me something. I watched him as he finished  making my gift, I loved seeing him as he was doing this creative work...It is a night light that I put by the side of my bed...but it is no ordinary night light...it was the first hand made gift from my son and it also carried a message from his heart...

I wrote the following as another article for Adoption Voices Magazine:

 As parents we have all received hand made Christmas presents from our children. They always pull at your heart strings, and you keep them forever. They usually are hand prints in plaster, trivets made from Popsicle sticks, or the stick figure drawing of a happy family. As a mother to a son who was entrusted to the adoption system, I had not received such a gift, until this year.

Forty three years later.

As we celebrated our first Christmas as a reunited family, my son decided to make a gift for me. He made me a bedside lamp that holds words that we both believe in. “There is always a choice.” However, he went a step further and added, “thank you for choosing me.”

As I contemplated these two sets of words, I thought about the choices I have made in my life. There are choices and actions that lead us in different directions and it is through those choices and actions that we create our reality. Sometimes we choose to do something that takes us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for our self. (Such as I did 43 years ago when I would rather have chosen the “happily ever-after” route that was not available to me.) When we do that we tend to feel a variety of different emotions…uneasy…unhappy and unsure. All emotions that I have carried with me for the last 43 years, along with quite a few others.

“Thank you for choosing me.” These words touch me deeply, they open up a flood of emotions. They strike a chord that allows me to really feel for the first time that the choice I made so long ago was the right one. That the choice of entrusting my son to adoption did not harm us. That despite time and distance it did not break a bond that we share. That by choosing him, by allowing him to come first, I was able to provide him with a family that consists of two mothers who love him.

I believe that an important part of our spiritual unfolding requires that we grow beyond our choices and take responsibility for our self on our own terms. We are all decision makers, and every moment provides us with the opportunity to move in the direction of our higher self. It is a choice we each must make for our self sooner or later.

Although I thought I had made that transition, I realize that I had not done it completely. Not until a hand made gift from my son came my way. A hand made gift that through words has released me from the feelings I had been holding on to. A hand made gift that allows me to stop and breathe; to come back to my center; and to realize that we are finally a family.

My son thanks me for choosing him …

I thank him for accepting me!

I am not sure why, but this time that we were together was very emotional for me...there was a bit of melancholy, and this parting was extremely rough on me...Once home I had to figure out what was going on with me...why was I all of a sudden so sad...and so fearful...

I was about to confront some of my demons...