Today, I finally made the bed that my son slept in while he was here...it has taken me 3 days to do that! WHY? Whenever I would walk past that room and see the bed unmade it reminded me that he was here...it showed me proof positive that he slept here...under my roof! It gave me a feeling of joy and LOVE to know that for the first time ever he was here with me, alone without his family...here with me as a son visiting his Mother.
We had a "family" BBQ...by family I mean ALL of my children and myself (all 3 of them)! As small as that gathering was (there was also 1 girlfriend and 1 grandson) it was filled with laughter and LOVE that overflowed.
Today, I am reminded of those warm feelings of LOVE...how we express our affection to our loved ones. What is it that we all truly appreciate? A gentle touch...an expression of love by providing a "special" gift...the tenderness of a smile and a laugh shared together...helping each other when we need it...
One of the BEST things that I found that happened over the time Gerard and I were together was the loving act of LISTENING to each other...expressing interest in what each of us was saying...having endless conversations about how we felt about different things...agreeing with each other at times and understanding what each of us was saying....LISTENING...a pure act of caring!
This is such a small thing that we can do for each other...No one really needs to make a grand gesture of a present...instead, by truly connecting with those we love we show them how much they mean to us...we show them how much we love them...we show them how much we care about their thoughts and their feelings...
The warm feelings of LOVE...There are many of those that I hold in my heart!
Getting ready for school...
Here we are rapidly approaching the end of the summer vacation for those who go to school...the days of getting up late and running in the sun will soon give way to getting up early...riding the bus...and being in classes all day long...then going home and the homework will begin.
As parents this is the time of year when you try to make it exciting for your children...a new year of learning...of connecting with friends that you haven't seen over the summer...and of course there are new school supplies...new shoes...and new clothes!
Gerard is a school teacher...a biology teacher...and he is 43 years old...I have never been able to get him ready for school...there have been no new school supplies...new shoes...or new clothes UNTIL this year! Before he arrived to visit I decided that it was an important event for me to mark off as one of our firsts! I went out and purchased a new shirt...a tie...and a pair of pants! I wrapped them up and presented them...a smile came over his face...he would tell everyone that his "mom" bought him new school clothes...a moment of pure pleasure for me...the look on his face...Priceless!
Another first...checked off the list...
POEM...
My son, is visiting me...ALONE...without the family...what a JOY...what a LUXURY. As he sleeps in the other room I am comforted knowing he is under the same roof that I am. There are days that I still pinch myself...such a dream come true!
A part of...
There are so many milestones that as a Mother I have not been part of with Gerard...there of course are the first steps...the first words...(was it Ma-ma or Da-da?). There was the first day of school, the skinned knee, and stitches. The graduations from high school and college...
Several days ago Gerard and his wife celebrated their wedding anniversary...this is the second year that I could acknowledge it...for that was another milestone that I was not a part of. I find that I can get fairly sad sometimes because I missed him growing up...
Every day since May 2012 has been a blessing for me...each moment there are many things to be grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for...even if it seems as if things are not going the way we visualized ...even if we have missed milestones.
So, I am looking at what I am grateful for...I am not focusing on what I missed but rather on the abundance I have now in my life. I choose to see all the blessings that have taken place over the past 1 1/2 years...and I am aware that every breath is a miracle and each smile is a gift. I appreciate the life we are building...I appreciate my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I know that the more I do this the more wonderful milestones we will make together...So, I sent this letter off for the celebration of the second wedding anniversary that I could be a part of...
Today is the anniversary of the day you were married...the day you were swept away with romance and joined hands to make a remarkable life together. Where a promise of love was enough to create a state of bliss that would color your world.
And here you are 15 years later...
With 3 children and the knowledge of the difference between falling in love and living in love. Life has presented you with a match for each other. You have allowed your walls to dissolve in order for a greater energy of affection from the universe to be in your life. Together you have mirrored your affections from one to another, allowing each of you to see the best in your self
and each other.
You adore and are adored...you are whole and completed ...you are connected to the love between you and within you....
It is a joy and a honor to be able to witness and be a part of that love.
With LOVE!
Mom
I am truly blessed!
Several days ago Gerard and his wife celebrated their wedding anniversary...this is the second year that I could acknowledge it...for that was another milestone that I was not a part of. I find that I can get fairly sad sometimes because I missed him growing up...
Every day since May 2012 has been a blessing for me...each moment there are many things to be grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for...even if it seems as if things are not going the way we visualized ...even if we have missed milestones.
So, I am looking at what I am grateful for...I am not focusing on what I missed but rather on the abundance I have now in my life. I choose to see all the blessings that have taken place over the past 1 1/2 years...and I am aware that every breath is a miracle and each smile is a gift. I appreciate the life we are building...I appreciate my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I know that the more I do this the more wonderful milestones we will make together...So, I sent this letter off for the celebration of the second wedding anniversary that I could be a part of...
Today is the anniversary of the day you were married...the day you were swept away with romance and joined hands to make a remarkable life together. Where a promise of love was enough to create a state of bliss that would color your world.
And here you are 15 years later...
With 3 children and the knowledge of the difference between falling in love and living in love. Life has presented you with a match for each other. You have allowed your walls to dissolve in order for a greater energy of affection from the universe to be in your life. Together you have mirrored your affections from one to another, allowing each of you to see the best in your self
and each other.
You adore and are adored...you are whole and completed ...you are connected to the love between you and within you....
It is a joy and a honor to be able to witness and be a part of that love.
With LOVE!
Mom
I am truly blessed!
SURPRIZE!
My son and his family live around 8 hours by car from me...flying is 1 hour! (guess which one I do!)My daughter-in-law's family has a farm that is about 4 hours from where I live...and they spend a good deal of the summer at the farm, my son being a school teacher has the summer off...
Last week my son and I were talking on the phone planning some time where we could be alone as mother and son...it is a difficult thing to do when one has a young family...we do have stolen hours when we have to run errands where we can ride in a car together and just talk one on one...but those are far and few between...and of course we have telephone calls...we don't do much e mailing anymore, but I still write him letters (sending one out today!)
My son called me on Sunday and was curious to what I was doing ...homework was my reply (I am taking an on line course)...how would you like company for dinner? He was at the farm with 2 of the 3 children; while my daughter-in-law and his my oldest grand-daughter were in the big city going to a play with friends and spending some quality time together...Really?..how fast could I say Certainly!?
Of course I ran to the grocery and picked up special items...cupcakes to celebrate a birthday with the littlest grand-daughter that I was not able to be at...Upon arrival my home was filled with so much love and laughter...and let me mention a dog and 3 chickens too!! We ate...we talked...we laughed...we celebrated...it was such a wonderful surprise...
It struck me while during this visit what we do as parents....bonding with our children starts at the moment of conception (at least I believe that) and carries through to when we hold them for the first time in our arms...but then life comes into play. The bonding comes from providing for them...shelter and food...comfort and security...guidance and love...this bond starts by allowing our children to know that they will be taken care of by us...to offer to them the security of knowing that we are there to protect them so that no harm will come to them under our watch...this bond is the beginning of the child/parent relationship...and it came to my attention that Gerard and I do not have that total bond...we have a different bond that comes from a different part of our hearts...it is a bond...it is a special connection...but it is different.
Meeting again as adults...as a parent I do not have to provide for him...he is not totally dependent on me...and yet we as humans need to feel wanted...needed and loved by others...especially by our parents and our children.
So I opened up my home to my son and grand-children...I provided food and shelter...I provided comfort and a sense of security...I provided love...there was even a moment where I could hold him and provide him with compassion...
This surprise visit was much to short...a sleep over and spending the day together on Monday...but it reminded me of the blessings I have had since meeting last year...each moment there are many things to be grateful for...and the world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.
So, I am grateful....grateful for a surprise visit...grateful for a birthday celebration...grateful for a day of play...grateful for the laughter and the conversations...yes and even grateful for the dog running in the yard and the chickens (I did get 2 nice fresh eggs from them!)...
But most of all I am grateful for the LOVE!
Last week my son and I were talking on the phone planning some time where we could be alone as mother and son...it is a difficult thing to do when one has a young family...we do have stolen hours when we have to run errands where we can ride in a car together and just talk one on one...but those are far and few between...and of course we have telephone calls...we don't do much e mailing anymore, but I still write him letters (sending one out today!)
My son called me on Sunday and was curious to what I was doing ...homework was my reply (I am taking an on line course)...how would you like company for dinner? He was at the farm with 2 of the 3 children; while my daughter-in-law and his my oldest grand-daughter were in the big city going to a play with friends and spending some quality time together...Really?..how fast could I say Certainly!?
Of course I ran to the grocery and picked up special items...cupcakes to celebrate a birthday with the littlest grand-daughter that I was not able to be at...Upon arrival my home was filled with so much love and laughter...and let me mention a dog and 3 chickens too!! We ate...we talked...we laughed...we celebrated...it was such a wonderful surprise...
It struck me while during this visit what we do as parents....bonding with our children starts at the moment of conception (at least I believe that) and carries through to when we hold them for the first time in our arms...but then life comes into play. The bonding comes from providing for them...shelter and food...comfort and security...guidance and love...this bond starts by allowing our children to know that they will be taken care of by us...to offer to them the security of knowing that we are there to protect them so that no harm will come to them under our watch...this bond is the beginning of the child/parent relationship...and it came to my attention that Gerard and I do not have that total bond...we have a different bond that comes from a different part of our hearts...it is a bond...it is a special connection...but it is different.
Meeting again as adults...as a parent I do not have to provide for him...he is not totally dependent on me...and yet we as humans need to feel wanted...needed and loved by others...especially by our parents and our children.
So I opened up my home to my son and grand-children...I provided food and shelter...I provided comfort and a sense of security...I provided love...there was even a moment where I could hold him and provide him with compassion...
This surprise visit was much to short...a sleep over and spending the day together on Monday...but it reminded me of the blessings I have had since meeting last year...each moment there are many things to be grateful for...and the world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.
So, I am grateful....grateful for a surprise visit...grateful for a birthday celebration...grateful for a day of play...grateful for the laughter and the conversations...yes and even grateful for the dog running in the yard and the chickens (I did get 2 nice fresh eggs from them!)...
But most of all I am grateful for the LOVE!
Definitions...
I was wondering today what the definition of adoption was...So here is what it says:
A`dop´tion
| n. | 1. | The act of adopting, or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child. |
| 2. | Admission to a more intimate relation; reception; | |
| 3. | The choosing and making that to be one's own which originally was not so; acceptance; 1moth·ernoun \ˈmə-thər\Definition of MOTHER
1
a : a female parent
3
: maternal tenderness or affection
"A female parent...maternal tenderness or affection"
No where in this definition is there
a reference of difference between a birth mother and an adoptive mother.
|
"CAN'T"...
CAN'T...this is the one word in the English language that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up...I would start to feel my blood pulse through my body faster, causing my heart rate to rise...like in the cartoons I would feel a steam pouring out from my ears...CAN'T...did someone just say that I COULD NOT DO SOMETHING??? Oh No they didn't!
Again I am having another AH-HA moment...
Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.
Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)
Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...
CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...
I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.
Again I am having another AH-HA moment...
Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.
Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)
Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...
CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...
I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.
AH-HA...
I had a deep thought this morning, an AH-HA moment as Oprah would say... Seriously this morning I was thinking about successes...and wondering if now after being reunited with Gerard would I finally REALLY let myself have some...Oh, don't get me wrong...I have had successes in my life...I successfully bore 3 children...two that I raised to be wonderful adults; one that I cannot claim that for...I have had success in the two career choices I have made for myself...as a hairstylist in California and a custom picture framer here in upstate NY (those successes are measured by how many repeat clients you get and how many people are referred to you by them) I have had my art published in national magazines along with many written articles...I have had a book published...I have had a one woman art show and many gallery showings...and there have been others... So yes, I acknowledge these successes.
But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)
WHY? And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.
I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.
I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.
I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...
and by doing so I heal.
Now, that is what I consider a success!
But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)
WHY? And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.
I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.
I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.
I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...
and by doing so I heal.
Now, that is what I consider a success!
1 year...
It was a year ago today that my son and I stood on a rural road in upstate NY and hugged for the first time in 42 years...Today, I received these beautiful flowers from him...this year we could not be together to mark this date...but at 1:00 this afternoon I held him in my heart...closer than on an average day...I told him with my heart that I loved him...I held him closely...I remembered how I felt at the moment that we embraced...I feel that same way every time we are together...and I know how blessed I am.
When Gerard signs cards, letters, e-mails and now the card on these beautiful flowers (the first flowers I have received from him...another "first") he does so by saying...Love, Your Son Gerard. Even now as I type this I get all choked up...a lump comes to my throat and tears come to my eyes.
"Your Son"...the son I have held in my heart for so long...the son who never really left me...the son whom I could not love more even if I raised him...I wonder if I will always feel this emotional about those words...
I think I will...
Where am I now?
I went to see my Doctor yesterday...my Psychiatrist...He is being deployed to Iraq and I will not see him now till November...the longest period of time of absence since last year when he went too. He wondered where I was now since arriving in his office in 2009.
He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG! And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.
After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!
Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.
But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).
So, where am I now?
I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.
I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!
He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG! And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.
After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!
Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.
But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).
So, where am I now?
I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.
I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!
Psychiatrist...
I have gone to see Psychiatrists off and on since I was 24 years old. They never could really pinpoint why I was always so "depressed". Many of them wanted to go back and review my childhood...blame my parents in some way...others told me it was a hormonal thing...one actually went so far as to tell me that I was making things up in my head. But the one thing that I NEVER brought up was that I had entrusted Gerard to the adoption system. I never exposed my self totally and honestly.
In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.
For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.
But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.
I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break.
I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.
In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.
For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.
But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.
I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break.
I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.
to know or not to know...
I remember when I was in the 5th grade, Mr. Thomas, was my teacher at #16 school. He was an Englishman who was teaching in America. We were studying ancestry. We were told to ask our parents where our ancestors came from. When I asked, my Mother promptly told me...We are Americans...you tell him that! So, back I went the next day and listened as everyone in the class was telling their ancestries ...Irish...English...German...and when it came to my turn I said American...No, he told me..you must be mistaken, you have to be more than that...well, that is what my Mother said to tell you was my reply. (there was laughter in the class room...was it because I said that is what my mother said to tell you or was it because I did not have an answer?) You need to ask her again he told me...home I went and said where are our ancestors from? My Mother once again said America...Now, I suppose in the 5th grade I was smart enough to go back to school and tell Mr. Thomas anything I wanted...who would know the difference...I marched into the class with my head held high went up to Mr. Thomas and said very clearly...My Mother said that we are Americans...I was born in America...She was born in America as was her mother, her grandmother and her great grandmother...as was my fathers family...So my ancestors are from America...he did not ask me again. So what is my ancestry? Really I have very little idea...I do know that there is some English...some Irish...a little Lithuanian ...and Cherokee...a mixed breed...a mongrel of sorts! I learned some of it over the years from my grandmothers...
Now imagine that you are adopted and you have no idea what your ancestry is, and you have no one to ask. (Even if you got the answer that your ancestors were from America!) Would it bother you? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference in any way?
While I was visiting my son, I asked him why he choose to search. He said he was not really curious till he was around 18 and became more curious as he got older. Who did he look like? Who were the people he got his eyes and height from...who did he get his love of art or his way of thinking from...was he curious about ancestry...just to a certain degree...but it came down to more about finding another person that he looked like and who he was like in different ways.
I know a great many people who have gone to get lengths to explore their family tree. I am not one of those people, but I do understand it to a certain degree. Knowing where we descended from is a curiosity to me, but not a make it or break it deal in any way. I am who I am not because of my ancestry but because of the sum total of my life so far. I believe that is the same for Gerard, but that is only my opinion. And I believe that we all have the right to know our ancestry and to be able to search it out if it is important to us. But to do so, we have to know our parents names...and perhaps even their parents names. Adoption erases that and so there is no way to find out unless you are reunited.
So, just how important is ancestry to you? And do you have the names of your parents so that you can do that searching?
Here in New York State all records are sealed and an adoptee is not allowed this information. And once again our ADOPTION RIGHTS bill did not make the floor to be voted on this year...but there is always next year. Our voices just need to get louder!
Now imagine that you are adopted and you have no idea what your ancestry is, and you have no one to ask. (Even if you got the answer that your ancestors were from America!) Would it bother you? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference in any way?
While I was visiting my son, I asked him why he choose to search. He said he was not really curious till he was around 18 and became more curious as he got older. Who did he look like? Who were the people he got his eyes and height from...who did he get his love of art or his way of thinking from...was he curious about ancestry...just to a certain degree...but it came down to more about finding another person that he looked like and who he was like in different ways.
I know a great many people who have gone to get lengths to explore their family tree. I am not one of those people, but I do understand it to a certain degree. Knowing where we descended from is a curiosity to me, but not a make it or break it deal in any way. I am who I am not because of my ancestry but because of the sum total of my life so far. I believe that is the same for Gerard, but that is only my opinion. And I believe that we all have the right to know our ancestry and to be able to search it out if it is important to us. But to do so, we have to know our parents names...and perhaps even their parents names. Adoption erases that and so there is no way to find out unless you are reunited.
So, just how important is ancestry to you? And do you have the names of your parents so that you can do that searching?
Here in New York State all records are sealed and an adoptee is not allowed this information. And once again our ADOPTION RIGHTS bill did not make the floor to be voted on this year...but there is always next year. Our voices just need to get louder!
Equal Rights...
This article is fairly long...but POWERFUL!
The Last – and Least Recognized – Americans Denied Equal Rights
Prejudice may not … be the basis for differential treatment under the law” even if it does not rise from “malice or hostile malice.All Americans have a right to “equal protection” under the law. Yet one class of people are so marginalized they are not even recognized as a discriminated against minority. The least known or even thought of in a discussion of civil rights are adopted persons.
— President Obama’s Administration, 28, 2013
We do not think about adoptees in this way because adoption is viewed as a social good that serves babies and children. Laws regarding adoption seem to have ignored the fact that adopted children become adult citizens who vote, serve their nation, pay taxes, marry and do everything all other citizens do, yet remain infantilized under the law, denied full equal status with their non-adopted peers in regard to access to their own original and true birth certificate.
Comprising an estimated two percent of the population, adopted persons are a discriminated minority with laws that apply only to them while denying them the same rights as non-adopted persons. No others – not even convicted felons – are denied access to their own birth certificates.
While all other American citizens can research their genealogy generations back, exposing long held “dirty” secrets, more than forty states disallow adopted persons knowing the names of their mother and father. These restrictive provisions prejudicially distinguish adoptees, in violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which provides that “no state shall … deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
After 30 years of unsuccessful attempts to reverse laws in New Jersey that deny adoptee rights, on June 13, 2013, Senator Diane Allen, NJ, introduced yet another bill in committee that would allow the state’s adopted adults to receive their birth certificate upon request. The Senator stated: “It’s a civil rights issue and it’s appalling to me we treat people this poorly. We have made them a separate class, an inferior class, because they were adopted.”
Adoptees’ denial of equal access to their birth certificate causes them disadvantage and creates potential harm to them and their offspring by disallowing them the means to acquire updated family medical history as well as putting them at risk of unknowingly committing incest.
Yet, as of this writing, only seven American states grant adult adoptees unrestricted access to their own original birth certificates (OBC) that all other citizens take for granted. Each time an adoption occurs in the United States, including step-parent adoption, the adopted person’s true and accurate record of their birth, their OBC, is sealed from them even though it is the record of their birth. This authentic document is replaced with a new certificate of “birth” with falsified data that changes the name of the individual without their request or knowledge, and identifies the adoptive parents as the parents “of birth.”
If you or I falsify vital records or identification, it’s a crime, yet every state other than Alaska and Kansas commit such state fraud, issuing a totally new birth certificate – often years after the birth took place. Called “amended” certificates, but with nothing indicating that they are not original or have been altered in any way, they can, and often do, also change the date and place of birth, and even the race of the individual.
The History
Sealing adoption records is a relatively recent development in our nation’s history. Prior to 1940, all parties to adoption had access to birth certificates and adoption-related court documents, with adoption agencies assisting separated relatives to locate one another. In the mid-twentieth century, states began to enact statutes that severed the legal bond between the birth parents and the child.
Professor Elizabeth Samuels, University of Baltimore, School of Law, attributes adoption records closure to post-World War II societal attitudes that labeled “unwed” mothers as socially deviant sinners and the children born to them “illegitimate.” Adoption by married couples served to eradicate this “impure” past.
Other historians believe the well-intentions argument for secrecy in adoption to be more of a smoke screen. Instead they point to lack of transparency as serving adoption practitioners. American adoption history, in fact. shows that unscrupulous baby brokers such as Georgia Tann and Bessie Bernard, a Brooklyn housewife, part of a baby-peddling ring in the 1940′s, pushed for secrecy in adoption to protect their methods of obtaining children for profit.
Tann, charged with stealing 5,000 children from their families, provided children for high paying clientele including celebrities, judges and politicians who gratefully helped by destroying and covering up records, as well as pushing for sealed records to become the standard of practice. Barbara Bisantz Raymond, author of The Baby Thief says that Georgia Tann “…began falsifying adoptees’ birth certificates in 1928. She did so to cover her crimes, but claimed that it spared the shame of being known to have been adopted — and, often, born outside wedlock.” She ran her fraudulent adoption ring for decades because “saving children” resonates with the public, and sealed birth records virtually guarantees little or no accountability.
The 1940s and 50s was a time when shame and secrecy extended to infertility. Thus, sealing of adoption records served well the only fee-paying party to the transaction. Adoption was able to be presented to prospective adopters, who had fears about the idea, as a way to have a child that would be the same “as if” the child were born into their family. Social workers routinely instructed adopters not to reveal the truth of adoption as it might cause the child to feel less a part of the family. “Amended” birth certificates made it all possible. As a result, many adults born and adopted then were never told that they were adopted. The only “birth” certificate they have provides no indication of the document having been amended leaving them in the dark, giving false medical history and exposing them to unknowingly committing incest.
Most find out eventually and if they are lucky, find a sub group within the adoption community known as Late Discovery Adoptees (LDA) where they can get support to deal with having everything they have believed to be true taken from them; their lives turned upside down. Some experience shock, others feel a sense of confirmation; many feel betrayed to learn that their extended families knew and conspired in the conspiracy of silence
All of this lying and secret keeping occurred despite child welfare experts of the 1950s recommending that OBCs remain available to adult adoptees. Initially, most states sealed adoption records from the public, or all persons except the adoptee. By 1960, 28 of the 48 then-existing states created legislation obliterating the adopted child’s past by sealing his original birth certificate from the adoptee himself.
Pennsylvania sealed their adoption records in 1984 and Alabama did so in 1991. By 1990, only three states allowed adult adoptees to see their original authentic birth records on demand – and by 1998 only Kansas and Alaska, which never sealed adoption records, still allowed unconditional access. State by state description of access and restrictions is available on the American Adoption Congress website.
All the while, a grassroots movement was forming to oppose these restrictive and prejudicial laws. Jean Paton (aka Ruthena Hill Kittsona) social worker, and author of Orphan Voyage, herself twice adopted, began writing and speaking out for adoptees’ right to equality in 1949. Not long after Paton began her fight on the West Coast, Florence Fisher founded the Adoptee Liberation Movement (ALMA) in New York. During the 1970s local search and support groups organized across the country and flourish today online
As a result of this modest grassroots adoptees rights movement, a small handful of states have restored adoptees rights, many with limited access and provisions such as age limits, or veto rights for parents of birth that do not apply to non-adopted citizens. Such conditions maintain inequality.
For and Against
In 1978 the Department of Health, Education and Welfare (HEW) commissioned a panel of adoption professionals to draft model legislation as a guide for states to reform their adoption laws. Released in 1980, the Draft Model State Adoption Act recommended that all adoptees be given free access to their OBC at the age of majority. This has yet to occur.
The prestigious adoption think tank, The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute concludes that, “Barring adopted adults from access to their OBCs wrongly denies them a right enjoyed by all others in our country, and is not in their best interests for personal and medical reasons. Alternatives such as mutual consent registries are ineffective … [and] the vast majority of birthmothers don’t want to be anonymous to [their] children…”
The Institute recommends all states unseal original birth certificates for all adult adoptees, retroactively and prospectively, and states with restrictive access amend those limitations. The American Adoption Congress (AAC) likewise supports full unrestricted access for adoptees as does Bastard Nation, the Adoptee Rights Coalition and dozens of state adoptee rights organizations.
The HEW model state adoption act spawned backlash in the form of new lobbyists for the mega billion dollar adoption industry such as the National Council for Adoption (NCFA), who in turn formed alliances with Catholics, Mormons, and Evangelical Christians to keep adoptions secretive. Paid to keep adoption agencies and practitioners – which operate more lucratively under the veil of secrecy – in business, they claim publically to be concerned for protecting the rights of mothers to remain anonymous. However, such protection was never a reason for sealing the records.
State records reveal birth certificates were sealed to protect the adoptive family from interference by birth families, exposure to embarrassment, or blackmail. Protection of the confidentiality of birthparents was never mentioned as a concern or reason to seal the records.
Adoption occurs in two steps. First, there must be obtained, voluntarily or involuntarily, a relinquishment of parents rights by the parents of birth. It is not until adoption, not relinquishment, that adoption records are sealed. Parents who have relinquished their rights to a child are not party to the adoption proceedings and not notified when, or even if, an adoption takes place. If a relinquished child remains in foster care, if the adoption is never filed or finalized properly, or the child dies before such an event takes place, the record of his original birth remains open to the public. Thus, relinquishing parents could never have been given promises of secrecy.
There might be an assumption of confidentiality from public knowledge of the birth and surrender of rights, but not anonymity from their own flesh and blood. No one has a “right” to anonymity, or the protection of a secret and it is impossible to guarantee either. In today’s Internet world, anyone can be found and any secret revealed. Adoptees are reunited every day, despite sealed birth certificates, and are welcomed 90% of the time. Many birth mothers support the rights of adoptees. In 1998 Oregon, mothers who relinquished took out a full page advertisement denouncing claims they were promised anonymity, helping to pass initiative Measure 58 allowing adoptees unrestricted access in that state.
Mothers who fear being discovered can change their name, or, if found, simply tell their child to leave them alone. Sufficient laws exist to protect us all from harassment, stalking and unwanted contact. Specific laws that apply only to adopted persons and their original parents are unnecessary and treat adoptees as assumed guilty or dangerous and their mothers and fathers in need of special protections that apply to no other adults.
Adoptee rights are opposed by the Right-to-Life movement and Catholic adoption agencies because of an unsubstantiated belief that, if the secrecy were removed, women would choose abortion over placing their child for adoption. The fact is that in states that have granted adoptees equal access to their OBC, there has been no increase in abortions or decrease in adoption placements, and the vast majority of mothers who relinquish children for adoption today request open adoption with ongoing communication between birth and adoptive families.
Others opposing adoptees’ right to access, astonishingly including some state chapters of the ACLU which is split on the issue. In some states they side with protecting the alleged “rights” of relinquishing parents likely to serving their attorney members whose livelihoods are derived from adoption as well as members who seek to adopt and prefer no “intrusion” in their lives by natural parents. Their fears, while understandable, deny the civil rights of their children. In other states ACLU has come out in favor of lifting the restrictions and creating equality for adoptees.
Equality for All
Gays, long denied rights because their status was thought to be a lifestyle choice, are being granted marriage equality state by state, in large part because they are out-of-the-closet in large numbers and in public positions, marching and demanding their equality while adoptees remain for the most part invisible and silent.
Adoptees – who certainly had no part whatsoever in choices made about their adopted status – remain largely unseen and unheard of as a civil rights movement. Not faced with the violence the LGBT community is subjected to, makes it easier to passively accept their denial of rights. Many have internalized societal edicts that demand their gratitude. They are told that their natural curiosity, and even their need for updated family medical history, is a slap in the face to those who raised them. Their fear of hurting their adopters and the possibility of being rejected or abandoned – again – often results in waiting until adoptive parents have died to search, or doing so in secret and even some who search and reunite are reluctant to speak out for adoptee rights lest they appear to “bite the hand that feeds them.” With no intent or malice on the part of adoptive parents, some adoptees have compared their experience to those who suffer Stockholm Syndrome.
Yet adoptees, together with adoptive and birth parents, have been fighting their oppression and as a result, as of this writing seven states – Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, Maine, New Hampshire, Oregon and Rhode Island – allow adopted persons unrestricted access to their original unaltered birth records. Another small handful of states have granted limited access, and the fight continues in the remainder of states.
Secret keeping in adoption no longer serves the best interests of children. It instead serves a mega-billion dollar entrepreneurial industry that caters to the demand for children for adoption by those willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars per child. State legislators need to see past the smoke and mirrors presented by industry paid lobbyists and reverse these draconian policies and regulations. In addtion, the federal government needs to deem it unconstitutional for states to discriminate against adoptees, and unlawful to continue to falsify birth certificates in a day and age that no longer stigmatizes children born to single moms.
How can we as a nation continue to allow these injustices? How can we promote adoption as a loving option when each adoption that goes forth condemns yet another citizen to discrimination, maintaining them as second-class citizens, forever infantilized and under suspicion of causing harm for having been born? How can we pledge our allegiance to a nation that does not provide liberty and justice for all of its citizens equally?
Jean Paton, founder of the adoptee rights movement, wrote: “Here… is a possibility for freedom or for slavery that perhaps has been overlooked. . . “
making new memories...
"A memory is a photograph taken by the heart to make a special moment last forever."
Are we all the same?...
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled. ~Bill Watterson
Recently someone suggested that I read a book about adoption...more specifically about adoptees. The book is titled: The PRIMAL WOUND...Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier I was curious so I ordered it off of Amazon...and I immediately started reading. There are four separate chapters broken down into 16 different sub chapters....222 pages...3 glossary pages...a reference page, suggested reading and of course the about the author page...231 total pages.
This is not a book review...these are my opinions only, but it seems as if my thoughts have been repeating a pattern...as well as this book did for me.
This book along with a few others that I have read "lump" all adoptees into the group of having a deep wound from being adopted. It suggests that all adoptees whether the they choose to admit this or not still have it. There has been a lot of conversation about "what does a little baby know anyhow". I will readily admit that when I was pregnant for Gerard, although the first part of that pregnancy was stressful I did love being pregnant. I loved the feel of him growing within me...I would wrap my arms around him and hold him...I would sing to him and do silly dances...I would talk to him and read books to him...OK....So he likes to sing songs and has one for most situations...he likes to do silly little dances and is not embarrassed to do them in public places...he likes to read...and when I wrapped my arms around him when we were reunited it felt natural and right. I also will readily admit that when I was pregnant for my other two children I did the same thing...however...they get embarrassed by me and always have been (especially as children, they would do that eye rolling thing...and go to another isle so no one would know they were with me) when I sing to the music in the store or dance in the isle! Neither of them likes to read...We do have that hugging that we love to do...Hummmmm...3 different children...2 I raised and 1 I did not....go figure! These books somehow seem to suggest that ALL adoptees need to be "healed" in some sort of way. I suggest that we as humans all need to be healed in some sort of way. I am not suggesting that some adoptees do not have a wound that needs to be healed...I am not suggesting that adoption hasn't played a part in my life (obviously I have written here about it) What I am suggesting: is there one person who can say that they do not hold onto something from their life that has left a hole in their heart? Something that needs to be "healed". These books also suggest that if the adoptee says that they do not have this "wound" that they are fooling themselves...they have a false sense of self and must dig deeper in order to heal. I suggest that if one must "dig" deeper than perhaps there is nothing to dig for...that one has already come to terms, or acceptance in some way and has made "peace" with whatever it is that needed to heal that "wound". We are all responsible for our own happiness...and I will happily not read anymore of these books...I think that in 2011 when I made peace with myself in a small way by saying that I might not meet my son in my life time...I believe I was beginning to let go of the patterns that I had held on to for so long...in 2012 upon reuniting...those patterns resurfaced for me to be acknowledged and let go of....Gerard seems to just flow with life...If he has a "primal wound" I have not seen it...He is grateful to ALL his parents for the part they have played in his wonderful life... Neither of us are either passive or unfulfilled...neither of us were that way before we reunited...Since meeting I do believe that we each know more about ourselves...and we each are just that much happier... We as human beings we ARE responsible for our own happiness... What makes you happy today? | |
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Gratitude...
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It turns a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie
I am taking an online class...and this quote came across my inbox as part of the principles of this class that I am working on bringing more into my life. As I read this quote and thought about what I would write here today, I realized that I have a great deal to be grateful for regarding not only reuniting with Gerard, but also about the adoption it self.
The quote tells me that "gratitude makes sense of our past"...for years I held onto the belief that I was not grateful for the adoption...I was actually down right angry with it...I was angry with myself...I was angry with my sweetheart...I was angry with not being able to have the "happily ever after"...I was angry with the way society viewed unmarried Mothers...I was angry with the system...
But today, because of the reuniting with Gerard, I am grateful...I am making sense of my past. I realize more than ever that the choice that was made in 1969 was made from my heart...and although I felt as if I was "forced" into that decision by a great many outside forces, I believe that it was the RIGHT thing to do for Gerard...for his parents...for myself. I doubt I would be feeling this way had we not reunited...
So here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...
1. I am grateful that Gerard was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.
2. I am grateful for his parents...for being there for Gerard...for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.
3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised...I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.
5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a strong bond of love...for being an active part of his life and his families life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.
I release the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...
I am taking an online class...and this quote came across my inbox as part of the principles of this class that I am working on bringing more into my life. As I read this quote and thought about what I would write here today, I realized that I have a great deal to be grateful for regarding not only reuniting with Gerard, but also about the adoption it self.
The quote tells me that "gratitude makes sense of our past"...for years I held onto the belief that I was not grateful for the adoption...I was actually down right angry with it...I was angry with myself...I was angry with my sweetheart...I was angry with not being able to have the "happily ever after"...I was angry with the way society viewed unmarried Mothers...I was angry with the system...
But today, because of the reuniting with Gerard, I am grateful...I am making sense of my past. I realize more than ever that the choice that was made in 1969 was made from my heart...and although I felt as if I was "forced" into that decision by a great many outside forces, I believe that it was the RIGHT thing to do for Gerard...for his parents...for myself. I doubt I would be feeling this way had we not reunited...
So here is my list of the 5 things that I am grateful for about adoption...
1. I am grateful that Gerard was a healthy baby, and that I did have 3 days with him before he was placed in the arms of his parents.
2. I am grateful for his parents...for being there for Gerard...for being there for me...for opening up their hearts to him.
3. I am grateful for the way that he was raised...I love the person that he is...I have said before some of that is genetic, but I believe that some comes from your environment too.
4. I am grateful for the opportunity that he had to go to camp, join scouts, grow up in a home with a brother and sister along with Mom and Dad and be connected to an extended family.
5. I am grateful for being reunited with him...for having a strong bond of love...for being an active part of his life and his families life...I am grateful for the life that we have now.
I release the anger...and I focus with new eyes on the gratitude...
stories...
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
~ Maya Angelou
We all have stories...some that we tell over and over again...some that have a lesson for the person we are telling it to...some are pleasant memories..others may not be but we have gained a value from what we went thorough...story telling has been with us forever...and yet, there are stories that some never tell and they bare that story and its agony by them self...
Having reunited with my son and now that the locked box has been destroyed I wonder why I did not share it with very many people...I wonder why I felt such guilt and disapproval about myself...I think back on the feelings of "good and bad"...for people of my generation we learned that at such a young age...you were lumped into those two categories for just about everything...if you followed directions you were "good"...if not you were "bad"...if you did as your parents said you were "good" if not you were "bad"...that could be as simple as eating your peas all up...I was very "bad" when it came to brussel sprouts...I sat many a night at the table long after everyone had been excused till I finally ate those round...cold...hard green things! Funny though as an adult I love them...do you think it might be because no one is making me eat them and I am no longer considered "bad" if I decide to throw a few of them away?! I no longer think of myself in these terms...some of that came with age...but some of it came with the reuniting with my son and the freedom of telling my story. But it is a "good" story...it has a happy ending...not all the stories end this way.
Recently I was told a story about a man who reached out to his birth mother...he had hired a private detective to locate her after years of being unsuccessful himself. It was worth the money to pay some one to do this as he had so longed to make contact. He wrote her a letter...telling her who he was and how he was hoping that he indeed had the right person and if so he would love to hear from her...he hoped that they might be able to share who they are now with each other....he mailed it and waited. After several months of waiting (he was way more patient than I would of been!) and not hearing from her he decided he would call her, to at least get confirmation that the information that he got from the detective was either right or wrong... He made that nervous call, explained that he was calling because he wanted to know if she was his Mother or not...the answer was Yes, she was...but she was not receptive to him...she did not want to have contact with him...he belonged to his adopted family...she had her own family. She told him not to call again.
It has been difficult for him...he had hoped for a "good" reunion and he did not receive that. He went through a great deal of emotions during the next year trying to come to terms with the fact that not only did his mother relinquish him at birth but she had no desire to see him or talk to him now as an adult...he was relinquished twice by her he felt. Just hearing the words..."you belong to your adopted family" made me have anxieties...Did she really feel as if she had made a business transaction?...does someone really belong to anyone else? Was that what she thought adoption was?
I count my blessings... I breathe a sigh of relief...I am incredibly lucky to have so much love surrounding myself and my son...so much acceptance from our extended families...It could of gone differently...My son often thanks me for being brave and resilient...I never thought of myself that way...I just knew that I needed to know that he had a good life...and that I always loved him...I knew in my heart that he was always a part of me...I could only hope that he would be receptive to that love. Like my thoughts yesterday...searching is not for the faint at heart.
We all have stories that we should tell to release any agony we carry for not telling them. By releasing them we heal and we grow...
Not for the faint at heart...
" The future doesn't belong to the faint-hearted; it belongs to the brave." ~ Ronald Reagan
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up to...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece.
As I talked about yesterday...I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but Gerard did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...when I did register we both received paperwork that provided us with each others names and addresses...but we both needed to be registered in order to receive this information...
Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...
One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...
they must be brave...
Recently I read an adoptee story...A 34 year old woman was contacted by a woman who said she was her "birth" Mother. NOT POSSIBLE she said as she was not adopted. Asking her parents about this strange event she finally learned after 34 years that yes she was adopted. Now, she must process the "secret" in so many different ways. My heart breaks for her for not knowing this information...my heart holds her gently as she has to deal with all this information...(I truly do not understand why this was a "secret" that needed to be kept...especially for so many years)
Searching for your parent/child is not for the faint at heart. In her case of course she was never told about being adopted. But, for those of us who search that is one of the walls we can come up to...another is being totally rejected by child/parent...and yet another is being accepted and then rejected...and the worse one of all is never finding that missing piece.
As I talked about yesterday...I believe in and support opening records to original birth records to those who seek them. These walls will always exist regardless of whether or not those records are available...the state of New York has an adoption registry, I never knew about it, but Gerard did. He filled out all the paper work and because I was not registered he received "non disclosing" information about me...his mother was 18 years old at the time of his birth, and what city he was born in...certainly not much to go on...certainly this is a needle in the haystack as they say. How could he possibly find me? I also think now about his original birth certificate which would of listed my name at the time of his birth...my maiden name...last name KING...now again, I ask you is that enough information to find me? Patricia King no longer exists...she has been married...divorced and remarried...several name changes...several different addresses...and if you check any phone book in any city you will find that the last name KING has pages of listings...when I did register we both received paperwork that provided us with each others names and addresses...but we both needed to be registered in order to receive this information...
Walls and road blocks...dead ends and detours...
One who searches must be willing to face whatever happens...they must be willing to accept the good and the bad of that search...they must be willing to open up their heart...they must be willing to accept the fact that the "secret" may still be intact...they must be willing to change their life...
they must be brave...
Rights...
Amendment XIV.
(Ratified July 9, 1868)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
I do understand a child not having information before they are ready to handle it...I do understand that not all children are told that they are adopted till later in life...
what I do not understand is WHY an adult does not have the RIGHT to have this information...
SUPPORT THE ADOPTEE BILL OF RIGHTS BILL!
(Ratified July 9, 1868)
Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Does a birth certificate fall under the wording of "property"? Does an adoptee/birth parent fall under the wording of "any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws"?
Birth Certificate:
Do you have yours? You know the one with the State seal on it? I had to get a new one several years ago when I wanted to get my passport...it was an easy process, I went down to the records building...filled out the proper paper work...showed my drivers licenses...paid my $30 and within minutes I had a crisp new birth certificate...showing my name at birth...my birth parents names...where I was born...yes I was a citizen of the United States of America.
Now, imagine that you are adopted...that birth certificate has been amended...it now holds the names of your adopted parents as your birth parents...nothing else has been altered...you were still born in the proper city and your date of birth is correct...now imagine that you are an adult adoptee who wishes to find out the name of your birth parents...imagine you would like family history medical information (we all have to fill out those forms at any Doctors' office)...now imagine that the state has decided that you CANNOT have this information! What would you do? How would you feel? Is it right that your original birth certificate has been locked away and that YOU are not privy to it?
That is the reality in most states regarding birth certificates for adoptees. The perpetual cycle of the "secret" is still being kept. Why? They claim it is because we birth Mothers signed papers that said we WANTED to be kept a "secret"...I truly do not believe that we had a choice in whether we signed that paper or not...it was part of the packet...part of the process...I know that I certainly would not have signed that paper had I not been told that it was part of making the adoption legal.
New York State is one of many states that still has the sealed records in place...but there is a bill that is hoping to get to the floor that will open these birth certificates up to adult adoptees. I realize that most people have no idea what bills are up for voting on by our elected officials...unless of course it directly affects you...The Adoptees Rights bill for NY is : A909/S2490A
Isn't it time we come together for change and get NY to recognize ALL of its citizens, whether they are adopted or not? EVERYONE should have the RIGHT to their original birth certificate.
After I was reunited with my son, I went back to the records building...filled out the proper paper work with his birth name on it and showed my ID...I waited...I waited...people kept checking the computer...finally the manager of the department came to me and said..."are you sure you have the right information?" YES... "is this certificate part of an adoption?" YES..."I'm sorry then, that information is NOT available to you"...Next I tried to get hospital records...I know that they have to keep a record of all births and deaths...but I was told that those records are only kept for 25 years...and that because my son was now 42 he would have to request them himself (wait didn't you just tell me that you did not have them anymore?!)
Recently my thoughts have gone to these records more and more, as I am meeting more adoptees and birth mothers....Why does the original birth certificate have to be a "secret"?..Why is it that the person it truly belongs to is NOT allowed to have it as an adult? Why does the original birth certificate have to be altered? Why can't instead of an altered birth certificate the new certificate be just that: A Certificate of Adoption or instead of "birth mother/father" it clearly states "adoptive mother/father"? (weren't we told that adoption was a good and wonderful thing?) I do understand a child not having information before they are ready to handle it...I do understand that not all children are told that they are adopted till later in life...
what I do not understand is WHY an adult does not have the RIGHT to have this information...
SUPPORT THE ADOPTEE BILL OF RIGHTS BILL!
Smiling...
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all which have the potential to turn a life around."
~ Leo F. Buscaglia
Today would of been my husband's 64th birthday...he passed away just before his 62nd one...
~ Leo F. Buscaglia
Today would of been my husband's 64th birthday...he passed away just before his 62nd one...
Today, I will honor his birthday...I will celebrate his life...I will celebrate my time with him...I will celebrate, and although I miss him terribly I will not be sad...for what would my life have been had I not had him in it? Does that mean that the age old saying of: "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" hold true in this case...well, I suppose it does!
A year after my husband passed was when I reunited with Gerard...I look at it as my husbands gift to me...I believe that he watches over me...I have said before that he was a big supporter of mine...he held my hand and dried my tears over the years that we were together when I would sink into a depression over the adoption...I think of that depression today and I realize a great many things...
I am not an "angry" birth mother... but rather I believe that I was a "sad" birth mother...I believe that the depression came from the fact that I had no idea how he was...I had no idea if he was well and happy...if I could get a glimpse into his life perhaps that would of helped...but then perhaps that would of hurt more...I always held in my heart that his parents loved him dearly...that he was provided for and loved beyond measure...and I am happy to know now that he was!
Today as I celebrate I know that my good husband is smiling down on me...smiling because he is not forgotten...smiling because he gave ME a gift of LOVE!
Smiling because there is so much love surrounding me today...
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