Last night I spent time with other birth mothers' and adoptees...this was the second time I was in their company...this time with a smaller group I was much more comfortable as we shared our stories together...
we are all connected by a thread called ADOPTION...
What I am learning as we share (and what I have been learning since Gerard's and my reunion) is that the words and the ideas that I think shape my life...A theme that Gerard and I talk about and I have talked about here for me is ...choice... For me, the words and ideas surrounding adoption can cause my happiness..or my hurt. More and more I am aware that how I am thinking brings about how I am feeling...
So, I make an effort to wake each morning with a positive thought...as simple as "TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY"...does this mean that things sometimes are not difficult? Of course not...but what it does help me with is focusing on the thoughts that bring me a sense of peace and well being.
When I feel in my heart that I am worthy of this relationship with Gerard...when I feel in my heart that I am a good Mother...when I feel in my heart that the choice made so long ago, changed the direction of our lives, but also kept the thread of love that connects us...when I feel in my heart all of the love that I have to give ...
I then feel the joy...the happiness...the miracle.
I realize that I sound a little like "Pollyanna"...I realize that it might sound like I am saying this is so easy...shifting my attention to the positive...on a bad day it isn't!...It is a process that I am still developing with myself...after all I have had 42 years of negative thoughts...just under 2 years of this new way of thinking...but now when a negative thought enters my mind...I turn it over...I let it have it's moment of fame...and then I laugh at it on most days...
I have come to finally realize that it is within my power to be happy..to change my mood...to make a choice to change a negative into a positive...
In order to change my life I have to be willing to look at the word ADOPTION in a different way...I have to be willing to let go of the past and look forward...and to hold on to the thread of love that connects Gerard and me...
To the thread of love that has never been broken...
I choose LOVE!
I spent the weekend down on the farm! I wasn't milking a cow or tilling the soil...I was spending time with my son and family! I took my 8 year old grandson who lives in the same city that I do with me to visit with them also (his Uncle, Aunt and 3 Cousins)...A WONDERFUL time was had by all!
While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...
We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?
The more we dwell on judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?
I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.
Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...
I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...
I CHOOSE LOVE!
While there we were talking (my son and daughter-in-law and I) about how natural everything between us was right from the beginning. Why was that? Everyone agreed it was because we were ALL open to having a relationship...we were ALL ready, willing and excited about it...
and we ALL held the love for one another in our hearts...
We each held no judgmental thoughts about each other. Judgments interfere with love. Judgments can poison relationships...leaving anger...resentment and hurt in our hearts. I know that it is difficult sometimes not to make judgments...we all do it...we believe the thoughts we are having are true. But are they? Most judgments come when we think that someone or something needs to be changed...because we believe it is not the "right" way to do things...is that a loving thought?
The more we dwell on judgments we have made the more "real" they become. We start believing them and that leads us to feeling badly about someone...even badly about our self...So what do you do? Do you make changing the person or the situation more important than the love or do you tell those judgments that you will have no part of them? What is more important...LOVE or CHANGE?
And why are those judgmental thoughts so hard to ignore?
I know that I had judgmental thoughts about myself and the adoption for so many years (42 + to be exact!) but in order to have a relationship of love with my son...I had to let go of those thoughts and start to love myself...which allows me to love him better...heck, it allows me to love everyone better.
Is it easy? HECK NO on a bad day...but when I get one of those thoughts...I no longer BELIEVE IT IS TRUE! I make a choice...and I choose LOVE! I consciously question the thoughts now...I no longer believe that those negative thoughts are true...those thought have always made me feel unhappy... guilty... lacking...undeserving...just to name a few emotions...judgment just doesn't feel good to me...it makes me feel unlovable...it causes me to be angry...resentful toward myself and others...it shuts down pieces of my heart...
I NO LONGER am willing to pay the price that judgment regarding the adoption costs...
I CHOOSE LOVE!
writing...
My son and I have been exchanging letters...We send each other thoughts we have...not about adoption...but rather thoughts about who we are...things that make us think. We send these letters along with very funny card to each other via the US Postal System...SNAIL MAIL. A lost art form...I love writing letters...as does my son...actually I love writing. For many years I denied myself this pleasure...I no longer do that. I submit articles to magazines...I write on several different blogs...and I have an on going column on creativity that started this month on Creativity Portal ...called THE MAGIC CRAYON.
But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...
But I digress...writing and art...that is a big part of my life. Last year for Christmas I gave my son a journal of E mail exchanges that we had from the moment I found him on the net to the day we met...Each page was filled with mail and art...I wanted to make him something this year too...and I have decided that I will make a book for him...A book with paintings and writing...Here below you will find the 1st draft of the story I am going to illustrate...
The Little Bird
With Two Mothers
By: Patricia J. Mosca
Her nest was all feathered as she awaited the hatching of
her egg.
She dreamt of a life her new little one would have. Soaring
with the wind, perhaps to heights she could only imagine. She saw a bright and
beautiful future for him as she patiently tended to herself and the egg.
The day arrived and the egg hatched. There he was this tiny
baby bird of hers. He was perfect in every way. She never realized how much she
would love him, and she would sing sweet songs to him. One morning she kissed
his head as she prepared to go out into the world in search of food. As she
flew she looked back quickly believing that they were both ready for this
chapter in their lives.
She hit a cold wind and fell to the ground. Her wings were
broken and she could no longer fly. She struggled to get up, but she did not
have the strength. What would happen to her little one? Would he grow up and
fly as she dreamt? She laid down her head and wept.
At that very moment another bird was flying past the well
feathered nest. She saw the little bird there, so tiny and her heart opened
wide to him. She fed him and watched over him, taking him under her wings as a
mother would do. She nurtured and guided him as he grew and learned to fly. She told
him that although she had not prepared the nest for his arrival, she could not
possibly love him more than she did. The little bird grew strong and one day he
flew to heights that she never imagined possible. He left the nest and went
searching for something that was lost to him years before.
One bright sunny day as he rested on a branch of a fine oak
tree, he heard the soft singing of a bird. This song awoke something deep
within him with its familiar melody. He flew to the branch where the song was
coming from and his heart broke wide open.
They knew each other immediately. Her wings were tattered, so he wrapped
her up tightly in his as he gently kissed her head. The long search was over,
for Mother and Son were united once more.
He was blessed with two Mothers. Two mothers who loved him. Two
mothers who knew he would soar to great heights on the wings of their love.
LOVE...
All of us who are members of the adoption triad have our opinions on adoption...some good opinions...some are questionable...What is right? What is wrong?
And along comes Baby Veronica's story...
A birth mother who relinquishes her new born for adoption and a biological father who wants to keep her and the fight begins...Baby Veronica is placed with a couple, who adopt her, for 27 months during this time her biological father is going through the court system to get custody of his daughter. Finally he gets temporary custody,, and the court battles continue. 2 years later she is given back to the adoptive parents...all the while lawyers and courts and judges and media are all over this...OH MY! (all this is done in the name of LOVE for this little girl)
My thoughts just keep going back to why did this father not have the right to keep his daughter in the first place? I believe that ALL children should stay with a biological family member if at all possible...of course I know that there are circumstances where this is not in the best interest of the child...and YES it is all about the child for me.
My son was born in 1969 but it was not until 1970 that the final adoption papers were finalized. It was almost a year after his birth...I was flown to NYC to sign the final papers...The judge asked me if I was being "forced" to do this...NO....was I doing this of my own free will...YES....Do you want to see your son before you sign the final papers...NO...NO...YES....There he was sitting in a room with a young women of the court and he was playing with blocks....he was healthy...he looked happy...
I was already hurting...how could I now hurt him by taking him away from the only family he knew?...how could I hurt his parents by taking away their son? It haunted me for many years....did I make the right decision...42 years later I knew I had.
As for baby Veronica....I don't know...now she has 2 different families, and at 4 years old she is very aware of that...
I hope that they join together to bring this little girl the love of a village!
And along comes Baby Veronica's story...
A birth mother who relinquishes her new born for adoption and a biological father who wants to keep her and the fight begins...Baby Veronica is placed with a couple, who adopt her, for 27 months during this time her biological father is going through the court system to get custody of his daughter. Finally he gets temporary custody,, and the court battles continue. 2 years later she is given back to the adoptive parents...all the while lawyers and courts and judges and media are all over this...OH MY! (all this is done in the name of LOVE for this little girl)
My thoughts just keep going back to why did this father not have the right to keep his daughter in the first place? I believe that ALL children should stay with a biological family member if at all possible...of course I know that there are circumstances where this is not in the best interest of the child...and YES it is all about the child for me.
My son was born in 1969 but it was not until 1970 that the final adoption papers were finalized. It was almost a year after his birth...I was flown to NYC to sign the final papers...The judge asked me if I was being "forced" to do this...NO....was I doing this of my own free will...YES....Do you want to see your son before you sign the final papers...NO...NO...YES....There he was sitting in a room with a young women of the court and he was playing with blocks....he was healthy...he looked happy...
I was already hurting...how could I now hurt him by taking him away from the only family he knew?...how could I hurt his parents by taking away their son? It haunted me for many years....did I make the right decision...42 years later I knew I had.
As for baby Veronica....I don't know...now she has 2 different families, and at 4 years old she is very aware of that...
I hope that they join together to bring this little girl the love of a village!
National Gratitude Day...
Today is National Gratitude Day...a day when we can consciously take a look at all the abundance we have. And YES, I am truly grateful for all that I have and all that I am. It wasn't always completely that way, but I have learned so much about myself these past few years. I have taken time this morning to focus on my gratitude. I am affirming the blessings in my life...
I have been reading a lot about "angry" birth mothers and adoptees...and I will say that I was not aware, for a very long time, that I was actually one of them. I carried that internal anger with me for 42 years...and when it did surface I was not aware that the reason was because of the adoption. I know I have written and written about patterns...but I am so aware of them NOW...I wish in some ways I had always been aware of them...
I am trying to figure out a way to help others in their struggle to find their gratitude for the role they played in the adoption triad...(instead of holding so tightly onto the guilt and the anger of it) I know that we can make a powerful difference in the world if we foster a deep gratitude in our hearts. Gratitude is a powerful tool that can transform our lives...when we focus our thoughts on gratitude we feel energized and motivated to make a difference. I am feeling that is where I am in the present time. I want to reach out to others in an effort to touch their lives in the same positive ways that I have been touched...
I am not sure how to do that yet...but I feel in my heart that by creating a powerful cycle of love and gratitude we will all benefit...and it helps us heal...We let go of the "anger" and we count our blessings from a different place...and by sharing that with others I might just create a positive difference in their lives....
I'm working on it!!
Take a moment and count your blessings today...
I have been reading a lot about "angry" birth mothers and adoptees...and I will say that I was not aware, for a very long time, that I was actually one of them. I carried that internal anger with me for 42 years...and when it did surface I was not aware that the reason was because of the adoption. I know I have written and written about patterns...but I am so aware of them NOW...I wish in some ways I had always been aware of them...
I am trying to figure out a way to help others in their struggle to find their gratitude for the role they played in the adoption triad...(instead of holding so tightly onto the guilt and the anger of it) I know that we can make a powerful difference in the world if we foster a deep gratitude in our hearts. Gratitude is a powerful tool that can transform our lives...when we focus our thoughts on gratitude we feel energized and motivated to make a difference. I am feeling that is where I am in the present time. I want to reach out to others in an effort to touch their lives in the same positive ways that I have been touched...
I am not sure how to do that yet...but I feel in my heart that by creating a powerful cycle of love and gratitude we will all benefit...and it helps us heal...We let go of the "anger" and we count our blessings from a different place...and by sharing that with others I might just create a positive difference in their lives....
I'm working on it!!
Take a moment and count your blessings today...
Sharing...and Growing...
My son has been sharing copies of older programs from TV that he particularly likes...Episodes of Quantum Leap and Deep Space 9. They each hold a similar message about patterns...I know I have written about this before but it is something that holds my attention.
Our experiences color everything. The events of the past can have a profound effect on how we see our lives now and what we choose to believe about our world. Our past experiences can also influence our emotional reactions and responses to what happens in the present. We each react to stimulus based on what we have learned in life. There is no right or wrong to it...it simply is a result of past experiences. At times once the strong feelings have passed sometimes we are surprised at our reaction to an event. Why did we react so strongly? And why when we face a similar situation again is our reaction the same? And how do we change that reaction consciously?
For example: Whenever someone or something made me feel as if I was being "forced" into doing something I did not want to do...after 1969... I would come out with my fist raised defending my right to do what was best for me. This caused me great panic sometimes and depression.
Since uniting with my son I have been able to modify that...I can see this formerly unpleasant situation (the feeling that I was being "forced" into placing my son up for adoption) in a different light. I did help make that decision...and I do believe now it was the "right" decision in many ways. By letting go of this pattern of fighting for myself I have stopped reacting unconsciously. I am aware of the reason I felt this way...and now, I can respond with reactions that are in the present moment rather than the past. Those negative thoughts have lost there strength...and I now have much more healthy reactions to situations where I feel I must defend myself.
I am becoming healthy again...whole...and healing. Uniting with my son has done that...Would I have somehow come to the conclusion that the past was holding me back? Perhaps...but I will never know that ...
What I do know is that today my thoughts don't go backward to the past as often and I feel my world expanding and that is stimulating growth and change from the inside out!
Our experiences color everything. The events of the past can have a profound effect on how we see our lives now and what we choose to believe about our world. Our past experiences can also influence our emotional reactions and responses to what happens in the present. We each react to stimulus based on what we have learned in life. There is no right or wrong to it...it simply is a result of past experiences. At times once the strong feelings have passed sometimes we are surprised at our reaction to an event. Why did we react so strongly? And why when we face a similar situation again is our reaction the same? And how do we change that reaction consciously?
For example: Whenever someone or something made me feel as if I was being "forced" into doing something I did not want to do...after 1969... I would come out with my fist raised defending my right to do what was best for me. This caused me great panic sometimes and depression.
Since uniting with my son I have been able to modify that...I can see this formerly unpleasant situation (the feeling that I was being "forced" into placing my son up for adoption) in a different light. I did help make that decision...and I do believe now it was the "right" decision in many ways. By letting go of this pattern of fighting for myself I have stopped reacting unconsciously. I am aware of the reason I felt this way...and now, I can respond with reactions that are in the present moment rather than the past. Those negative thoughts have lost there strength...and I now have much more healthy reactions to situations where I feel I must defend myself.
I am becoming healthy again...whole...and healing. Uniting with my son has done that...Would I have somehow come to the conclusion that the past was holding me back? Perhaps...but I will never know that ...
What I do know is that today my thoughts don't go backward to the past as often and I feel my world expanding and that is stimulating growth and change from the inside out!
Happy to be part of the family...
I talked with my daughter-in-law the other day...she was feeling a bit sad as she watches her children grow up and start to move forward...And I felt for her...I remember that feeling of seeing my children growing for the first real time (and I carried that feeling with me for the 43 years before uniting with Gerard)...it isn't like a birthday where you celebrate the fact that they are another year older...rather it is a day when you see a little into the future and how they are preparing for a life of their own.
No one warns you as a Mother how you will feel when that day comes...but it is a sadness of sorts that washes over you and you know that your place in their life is also changing. And you have to begin to let go a little so that they can fly...
I sent her flowers...the card simply read YOUR THE BEST! Because she is! And I wanted her to know that...
And it made me aware of how very HAPPY I am to be part of this family...I wrote my son and let him know that...In return I got a message saying..."You have been since I was born. And I'm glad too."
I think it is important to let those you love know that they are important in your life. With Gerard and family because they do not live close I cannot invite them to dinner or run over and offer a hug when one is needed or I need one...So I have to do that with words...It is unconditional love...
Our family and our friends are our anchors...they accept us just the way we are and they are there to help us when we need them...it is a cocoon that gives us a feeling of belonging and a sense of place. But all to often these anchors are the ones we forget to acknowledge because they are our safe haven...perhaps in some ways we take them for granted...knowing that they will always be there for us...
what I find is that when I share those feelings my love expands...and it strengthens and nourishes the bonds that are already there...It is these simple moments of love...simply stated straight from the heart that strike me right to the core...
I love and I am loved...
It just doesn't get better than that!
No one warns you as a Mother how you will feel when that day comes...but it is a sadness of sorts that washes over you and you know that your place in their life is also changing. And you have to begin to let go a little so that they can fly...
I sent her flowers...the card simply read YOUR THE BEST! Because she is! And I wanted her to know that...
And it made me aware of how very HAPPY I am to be part of this family...I wrote my son and let him know that...In return I got a message saying..."You have been since I was born. And I'm glad too."
I think it is important to let those you love know that they are important in your life. With Gerard and family because they do not live close I cannot invite them to dinner or run over and offer a hug when one is needed or I need one...So I have to do that with words...It is unconditional love...
Our family and our friends are our anchors...they accept us just the way we are and they are there to help us when we need them...it is a cocoon that gives us a feeling of belonging and a sense of place. But all to often these anchors are the ones we forget to acknowledge because they are our safe haven...perhaps in some ways we take them for granted...knowing that they will always be there for us...
what I find is that when I share those feelings my love expands...and it strengthens and nourishes the bonds that are already there...It is these simple moments of love...simply stated straight from the heart that strike me right to the core...
I love and I am loved...
It just doesn't get better than that!
Patterns...
One of the gifts my son sent me for my Birthday, was the last episode of Quantum Leap...when he came to visit we had talked about this program and how much we really liked it. Mostly because it had to do with time travel and we tend to both like that subject....
A line in the program is " I've been there too many times"...and it brought to mind patterns that we repeat over and over again in our lives...some are good patterns...and some well, not so good! I am currently going through and reading old journals that I have kept over the past 12 years as I am preparing to write an E course on journaling. And I have found that the subject of repeating patterns comes up over and over again for me....
UNTIL 2012 when my life shifted...
I can honestly say that uniting with my son has changed my life...(I hope it has changed his in some ways too) having him in my life instead of a dream of him...having a connection with him and his family instead of hoping that would happen one day...finally being able to hold him in my arms instead of emptiness...has allowed me to change many of the patterns I have carried with me through out my adult years since 1969...
There are patterns that I have been able to let go of...patterns that served me no purpose other than to hold me down...or hold me back. I have consciously been on a quest to get to know myself better for the past 12 years...I have been journaling from my soul in order to better understand who I am from the inside out...I can truly say that in the past 1 3/4 years since uniting with my son I have learned more about myself in that short period of time...I have grown...I understand more about myself...I have stopped struggling with problems and lessons over and over again...lets say I have had a great many AH-HA moments...
Life is continuously moving...evolving...There are always new experiences...new possibilities...new growth...and we tend to experience pain by holding on to things that are not solid...they are illusions from the past that we must let go of....and when we finally allow that....AHHHHHHHHHH...Life can become that much more joyful...
Learning to let go...learning to be open to the flow and be present...learning to trust...
My son, has done so much for me!
A line in the program is " I've been there too many times"...and it brought to mind patterns that we repeat over and over again in our lives...some are good patterns...and some well, not so good! I am currently going through and reading old journals that I have kept over the past 12 years as I am preparing to write an E course on journaling. And I have found that the subject of repeating patterns comes up over and over again for me....
UNTIL 2012 when my life shifted...
I can honestly say that uniting with my son has changed my life...(I hope it has changed his in some ways too) having him in my life instead of a dream of him...having a connection with him and his family instead of hoping that would happen one day...finally being able to hold him in my arms instead of emptiness...has allowed me to change many of the patterns I have carried with me through out my adult years since 1969...
There are patterns that I have been able to let go of...patterns that served me no purpose other than to hold me down...or hold me back. I have consciously been on a quest to get to know myself better for the past 12 years...I have been journaling from my soul in order to better understand who I am from the inside out...I can truly say that in the past 1 3/4 years since uniting with my son I have learned more about myself in that short period of time...I have grown...I understand more about myself...I have stopped struggling with problems and lessons over and over again...lets say I have had a great many AH-HA moments...
Life is continuously moving...evolving...There are always new experiences...new possibilities...new growth...and we tend to experience pain by holding on to things that are not solid...they are illusions from the past that we must let go of....and when we finally allow that....AHHHHHHHHHH...Life can become that much more joyful...
Learning to let go...learning to be open to the flow and be present...learning to trust...
My son, has done so much for me!
The warm feelings of LOVE...
Today, I finally made the bed that my son slept in while he was here...it has taken me 3 days to do that! WHY? Whenever I would walk past that room and see the bed unmade it reminded me that he was here...it showed me proof positive that he slept here...under my roof! It gave me a feeling of joy and LOVE to know that for the first time ever he was here with me, alone without his family...here with me as a son visiting his Mother.
We had a "family" BBQ...by family I mean ALL of my children and myself (all 3 of them)! As small as that gathering was (there was also 1 girlfriend and 1 grandson) it was filled with laughter and LOVE that overflowed.
Today, I am reminded of those warm feelings of LOVE...how we express our affection to our loved ones. What is it that we all truly appreciate? A gentle touch...an expression of love by providing a "special" gift...the tenderness of a smile and a laugh shared together...helping each other when we need it...
One of the BEST things that I found that happened over the time Gerard and I were together was the loving act of LISTENING to each other...expressing interest in what each of us was saying...having endless conversations about how we felt about different things...agreeing with each other at times and understanding what each of us was saying....LISTENING...a pure act of caring!
This is such a small thing that we can do for each other...No one really needs to make a grand gesture of a present...instead, by truly connecting with those we love we show them how much they mean to us...we show them how much we love them...we show them how much we care about their thoughts and their feelings...
The warm feelings of LOVE...There are many of those that I hold in my heart!
We had a "family" BBQ...by family I mean ALL of my children and myself (all 3 of them)! As small as that gathering was (there was also 1 girlfriend and 1 grandson) it was filled with laughter and LOVE that overflowed.
Today, I am reminded of those warm feelings of LOVE...how we express our affection to our loved ones. What is it that we all truly appreciate? A gentle touch...an expression of love by providing a "special" gift...the tenderness of a smile and a laugh shared together...helping each other when we need it...
One of the BEST things that I found that happened over the time Gerard and I were together was the loving act of LISTENING to each other...expressing interest in what each of us was saying...having endless conversations about how we felt about different things...agreeing with each other at times and understanding what each of us was saying....LISTENING...a pure act of caring!
This is such a small thing that we can do for each other...No one really needs to make a grand gesture of a present...instead, by truly connecting with those we love we show them how much they mean to us...we show them how much we love them...we show them how much we care about their thoughts and their feelings...
The warm feelings of LOVE...There are many of those that I hold in my heart!
Getting ready for school...
Here we are rapidly approaching the end of the summer vacation for those who go to school...the days of getting up late and running in the sun will soon give way to getting up early...riding the bus...and being in classes all day long...then going home and the homework will begin.
As parents this is the time of year when you try to make it exciting for your children...a new year of learning...of connecting with friends that you haven't seen over the summer...and of course there are new school supplies...new shoes...and new clothes!
Gerard is a school teacher...a biology teacher...and he is 43 years old...I have never been able to get him ready for school...there have been no new school supplies...new shoes...or new clothes UNTIL this year! Before he arrived to visit I decided that it was an important event for me to mark off as one of our firsts! I went out and purchased a new shirt...a tie...and a pair of pants! I wrapped them up and presented them...a smile came over his face...he would tell everyone that his "mom" bought him new school clothes...a moment of pure pleasure for me...the look on his face...Priceless!
Another first...checked off the list...
POEM...
My son, is visiting me...ALONE...without the family...what a JOY...what a LUXURY. As he sleeps in the other room I am comforted knowing he is under the same roof that I am. There are days that I still pinch myself...such a dream come true!
A part of...
There are so many milestones that as a Mother I have not been part of with Gerard...there of course are the first steps...the first words...(was it Ma-ma or Da-da?). There was the first day of school, the skinned knee, and stitches. The graduations from high school and college...
Several days ago Gerard and his wife celebrated their wedding anniversary...this is the second year that I could acknowledge it...for that was another milestone that I was not a part of. I find that I can get fairly sad sometimes because I missed him growing up...
Every day since May 2012 has been a blessing for me...each moment there are many things to be grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for...even if it seems as if things are not going the way we visualized ...even if we have missed milestones.
So, I am looking at what I am grateful for...I am not focusing on what I missed but rather on the abundance I have now in my life. I choose to see all the blessings that have taken place over the past 1 1/2 years...and I am aware that every breath is a miracle and each smile is a gift. I appreciate the life we are building...I appreciate my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I know that the more I do this the more wonderful milestones we will make together...So, I sent this letter off for the celebration of the second wedding anniversary that I could be a part of...
Today is the anniversary of the day you were married...the day you were swept away with romance and joined hands to make a remarkable life together. Where a promise of love was enough to create a state of bliss that would color your world.
And here you are 15 years later...
With 3 children and the knowledge of the difference between falling in love and living in love. Life has presented you with a match for each other. You have allowed your walls to dissolve in order for a greater energy of affection from the universe to be in your life. Together you have mirrored your affections from one to another, allowing each of you to see the best in your self
and each other.
You adore and are adored...you are whole and completed ...you are connected to the love between you and within you....
It is a joy and a honor to be able to witness and be a part of that love.
With LOVE!
Mom
I am truly blessed!
Several days ago Gerard and his wife celebrated their wedding anniversary...this is the second year that I could acknowledge it...for that was another milestone that I was not a part of. I find that I can get fairly sad sometimes because I missed him growing up...
Every day since May 2012 has been a blessing for me...each moment there are many things to be grateful for. There is always something to be grateful for...even if it seems as if things are not going the way we visualized ...even if we have missed milestones.
So, I am looking at what I am grateful for...I am not focusing on what I missed but rather on the abundance I have now in my life. I choose to see all the blessings that have taken place over the past 1 1/2 years...and I am aware that every breath is a miracle and each smile is a gift. I appreciate the life we are building...I appreciate my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I know that the more I do this the more wonderful milestones we will make together...So, I sent this letter off for the celebration of the second wedding anniversary that I could be a part of...
Today is the anniversary of the day you were married...the day you were swept away with romance and joined hands to make a remarkable life together. Where a promise of love was enough to create a state of bliss that would color your world.
And here you are 15 years later...
With 3 children and the knowledge of the difference between falling in love and living in love. Life has presented you with a match for each other. You have allowed your walls to dissolve in order for a greater energy of affection from the universe to be in your life. Together you have mirrored your affections from one to another, allowing each of you to see the best in your self
and each other.
You adore and are adored...you are whole and completed ...you are connected to the love between you and within you....
It is a joy and a honor to be able to witness and be a part of that love.
With LOVE!
Mom
I am truly blessed!
SURPRIZE!
My son and his family live around 8 hours by car from me...flying is 1 hour! (guess which one I do!)My daughter-in-law's family has a farm that is about 4 hours from where I live...and they spend a good deal of the summer at the farm, my son being a school teacher has the summer off...
Last week my son and I were talking on the phone planning some time where we could be alone as mother and son...it is a difficult thing to do when one has a young family...we do have stolen hours when we have to run errands where we can ride in a car together and just talk one on one...but those are far and few between...and of course we have telephone calls...we don't do much e mailing anymore, but I still write him letters (sending one out today!)
My son called me on Sunday and was curious to what I was doing ...homework was my reply (I am taking an on line course)...how would you like company for dinner? He was at the farm with 2 of the 3 children; while my daughter-in-law and his my oldest grand-daughter were in the big city going to a play with friends and spending some quality time together...Really?..how fast could I say Certainly!?
Of course I ran to the grocery and picked up special items...cupcakes to celebrate a birthday with the littlest grand-daughter that I was not able to be at...Upon arrival my home was filled with so much love and laughter...and let me mention a dog and 3 chickens too!! We ate...we talked...we laughed...we celebrated...it was such a wonderful surprise...
It struck me while during this visit what we do as parents....bonding with our children starts at the moment of conception (at least I believe that) and carries through to when we hold them for the first time in our arms...but then life comes into play. The bonding comes from providing for them...shelter and food...comfort and security...guidance and love...this bond starts by allowing our children to know that they will be taken care of by us...to offer to them the security of knowing that we are there to protect them so that no harm will come to them under our watch...this bond is the beginning of the child/parent relationship...and it came to my attention that Gerard and I do not have that total bond...we have a different bond that comes from a different part of our hearts...it is a bond...it is a special connection...but it is different.
Meeting again as adults...as a parent I do not have to provide for him...he is not totally dependent on me...and yet we as humans need to feel wanted...needed and loved by others...especially by our parents and our children.
So I opened up my home to my son and grand-children...I provided food and shelter...I provided comfort and a sense of security...I provided love...there was even a moment where I could hold him and provide him with compassion...
This surprise visit was much to short...a sleep over and spending the day together on Monday...but it reminded me of the blessings I have had since meeting last year...each moment there are many things to be grateful for...and the world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.
So, I am grateful....grateful for a surprise visit...grateful for a birthday celebration...grateful for a day of play...grateful for the laughter and the conversations...yes and even grateful for the dog running in the yard and the chickens (I did get 2 nice fresh eggs from them!)...
But most of all I am grateful for the LOVE!
Last week my son and I were talking on the phone planning some time where we could be alone as mother and son...it is a difficult thing to do when one has a young family...we do have stolen hours when we have to run errands where we can ride in a car together and just talk one on one...but those are far and few between...and of course we have telephone calls...we don't do much e mailing anymore, but I still write him letters (sending one out today!)
My son called me on Sunday and was curious to what I was doing ...homework was my reply (I am taking an on line course)...how would you like company for dinner? He was at the farm with 2 of the 3 children; while my daughter-in-law and his my oldest grand-daughter were in the big city going to a play with friends and spending some quality time together...Really?..how fast could I say Certainly!?
Of course I ran to the grocery and picked up special items...cupcakes to celebrate a birthday with the littlest grand-daughter that I was not able to be at...Upon arrival my home was filled with so much love and laughter...and let me mention a dog and 3 chickens too!! We ate...we talked...we laughed...we celebrated...it was such a wonderful surprise...
It struck me while during this visit what we do as parents....bonding with our children starts at the moment of conception (at least I believe that) and carries through to when we hold them for the first time in our arms...but then life comes into play. The bonding comes from providing for them...shelter and food...comfort and security...guidance and love...this bond starts by allowing our children to know that they will be taken care of by us...to offer to them the security of knowing that we are there to protect them so that no harm will come to them under our watch...this bond is the beginning of the child/parent relationship...and it came to my attention that Gerard and I do not have that total bond...we have a different bond that comes from a different part of our hearts...it is a bond...it is a special connection...but it is different.
Meeting again as adults...as a parent I do not have to provide for him...he is not totally dependent on me...and yet we as humans need to feel wanted...needed and loved by others...especially by our parents and our children.
So I opened up my home to my son and grand-children...I provided food and shelter...I provided comfort and a sense of security...I provided love...there was even a moment where I could hold him and provide him with compassion...
This surprise visit was much to short...a sleep over and spending the day together on Monday...but it reminded me of the blessings I have had since meeting last year...each moment there are many things to be grateful for...and the world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.
So, I am grateful....grateful for a surprise visit...grateful for a birthday celebration...grateful for a day of play...grateful for the laughter and the conversations...yes and even grateful for the dog running in the yard and the chickens (I did get 2 nice fresh eggs from them!)...
But most of all I am grateful for the LOVE!
Definitions...
I was wondering today what the definition of adoption was...So here is what it says:
A`dop´tion
| n. | 1. | The act of adopting, or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as one's own child. |
| 2. | Admission to a more intimate relation; reception; | |
| 3. | The choosing and making that to be one's own which originally was not so; acceptance; 1moth·ernoun \ˈmə-thər\Definition of MOTHER
1
a : a female parent
3
: maternal tenderness or affection
"A female parent...maternal tenderness or affection"
No where in this definition is there
a reference of difference between a birth mother and an adoptive mother.
|
"CAN'T"...
CAN'T...this is the one word in the English language that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up...I would start to feel my blood pulse through my body faster, causing my heart rate to rise...like in the cartoons I would feel a steam pouring out from my ears...CAN'T...did someone just say that I COULD NOT DO SOMETHING??? Oh No they didn't!
Again I am having another AH-HA moment...
Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.
Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)
Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...
CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...
I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.
Again I am having another AH-HA moment...
Whenever someone would tell me that I couldn't do something I came out of my corner with my fist raised ready to fight. I could scream my reasoning as to why I COULD do that thing...I could belittle the person who told me I couldn't do something better than anyone...I could do that thing, good or bad, faster than the person who told me I couldn't could blink their eyes.
Now... I totally realize that after 1969 no one was ever going to tell me I couldn't do something again. I would fight for myself no matter what. Even if they were right and I "shouldn't" do that thing...oh yes, I was going to do it anyhow. This pattern has followed me for all those years. This pattern has caused many a fight...I have lost some friendships over it...and it caused me to be disappointed in myself sometimes and proud of myself other times. This pattern of "fighting for myself" gave my 18 year old self a voice. (even if I did not know it at the time)
Today, I weave this word into my life differently. Today, I know that I can do anything...that I have a choice always...that I did have a choice in 1969 also...and I know in the depths of my heart that I did make the right choice for my son. I never allowed myself for those 42 years to believe that. I have always beaten myself up over this decision...I have always blamed others...and yet, I was the one who was pregnant...there are only 2 people who made that happen...
CAN'T a very small word with a big meaning for me...but I will reframe my thinking on that...and change it...
I CAN'T help but have a wonderful life now that Gerard (and family) are a part of it.
AH-HA...
I had a deep thought this morning, an AH-HA moment as Oprah would say... Seriously this morning I was thinking about successes...and wondering if now after being reunited with Gerard would I finally REALLY let myself have some...Oh, don't get me wrong...I have had successes in my life...I successfully bore 3 children...two that I raised to be wonderful adults; one that I cannot claim that for...I have had success in the two career choices I have made for myself...as a hairstylist in California and a custom picture framer here in upstate NY (those successes are measured by how many repeat clients you get and how many people are referred to you by them) I have had my art published in national magazines along with many written articles...I have had a book published...I have had a one woman art show and many gallery showings...and there have been others... So yes, I acknowledge these successes.
But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)
WHY? And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.
I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.
I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.
I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...
and by doing so I heal.
Now, that is what I consider a success!
But here is the thing...just when I was getting really recognized for these things...I stopped doing them. Truly I just quit...I stopped submitting art work...I quit my jobs...I said I would write another book and haven't completed it yet...I would say I am going to work on this or that...and I might start but I wouldn't always finish. (take note I have written this in the past tense!!)
WHY? And here came the AH-HA moment...I did not want to call attention to myself because I did not feel deserving. And why did I not feel deserving...because I placed my son up for adoption. It was a moment of clarity...a moment of recognizing a pattern of self destruction...a moment of letting go.
I no longer wish to be that person...I no longer wish to feel "less than" or "not enough" or "undeserving"...because quite frankly I am deserving...I work hard at creating my art...creating a connection between myself and others...I have noticed that more in the past year since reuniting with Gerard...I am softer...I am gentler...I am more understanding...I trust more (not only others but also myself)...I feel alive...I feel as if I can do anything I want...I feel whole.
I wrote Gerard yesterday about this feeling of coming full circle and what it feels like to me...It feels as if I have stepped into a clearing where for a moment I can see where I came from and where I am standing at the same time.
I take a look at his AH-HA moment and I see the ground we have covered together over the past year. And I honor our courage...our persistence and our hearts...
and by doing so I heal.
Now, that is what I consider a success!
1 year...
It was a year ago today that my son and I stood on a rural road in upstate NY and hugged for the first time in 42 years...Today, I received these beautiful flowers from him...this year we could not be together to mark this date...but at 1:00 this afternoon I held him in my heart...closer than on an average day...I told him with my heart that I loved him...I held him closely...I remembered how I felt at the moment that we embraced...I feel that same way every time we are together...and I know how blessed I am.
When Gerard signs cards, letters, e-mails and now the card on these beautiful flowers (the first flowers I have received from him...another "first") he does so by saying...Love, Your Son Gerard. Even now as I type this I get all choked up...a lump comes to my throat and tears come to my eyes.
"Your Son"...the son I have held in my heart for so long...the son who never really left me...the son whom I could not love more even if I raised him...I wonder if I will always feel this emotional about those words...
I think I will...
Where am I now?
I went to see my Doctor yesterday...my Psychiatrist...He is being deployed to Iraq and I will not see him now till November...the longest period of time of absence since last year when he went too. He wondered where I was now since arriving in his office in 2009.
He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG! And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.
After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!
Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.
But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).
So, where am I now?
I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.
I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!
He was with me every step of the way on the journey that Michael and I had...he listened to my fears about Michael's passing...he listened to my anger...he listened without passing judgement. He was told about Gerard before I reunited with him...I was reminded that the first meeting (an emergency meeting) with him after reconnecting with Gerard I walked into his office and said THIS IS BIG...this is REALLY BIG! And he was there to listen as my 17 year old "shadow" emerged.
After reuniting with Gerard I can honestly say that I am feeling so much better about everything...about life...about love...about connection. By allowing the "shadow" side of my life (which as it turns out was mostly about the adoption) have its say...have its moments of grief...screaming...fear...I have found different ways to integrate her. Is she gone? No...but she has a room now. A room where she can let her voice be heard...but also a room that I can send her to if she is starting to throw a tantrum! It use to be that I would shove her aside...push her down...ignore her and what she choose to do to me was torture me even more. She would silently send anxiety my way...depression...a lack of worth...because I would not acknowledge her. She has now been validated...she has been given the ticket to ride this roller coaster of life with me...as a companion of sorts...as long as she comes along to show me something important...as long as she minds her good manners...as long as she knows when to go to her room!
Now, I am very much aware that I have given her a persona...I have made her into a 3rd person...but she has been with me for 43 years...she is part of me...but she has also been ignored and pushed and shoved and covered up for all those years. Now as I come to a better place because of reuniting with Gerard I can see that she never really meant me any harm...the truth is had I acknowledged her sooner she might not have wreaked as much havoc with me. But hindsight being 20/20 as they say I guess my wiser self felt it was better not to confront her issues...better to let sleeping dogs lie...better to "get on with my life" (as I was told so many years ago). I know now that had I been honest...had I had the courage...had I been a "deeper" person perhaps I could of spared myself some heartache.
But I am a firm believer that we get to the things we are suppose to get to exactly at the right time... I am a firm believer that everything has a season...I am a firm believer that I am the sum total of my experiences (both good and not so good).
So, where am I now?
I am exactly where I am suppose to be...doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing...surround by exactly the right people.
I am feeling HAPPY and BLESSED!
Psychiatrist...
I have gone to see Psychiatrists off and on since I was 24 years old. They never could really pinpoint why I was always so "depressed". Many of them wanted to go back and review my childhood...blame my parents in some way...others told me it was a hormonal thing...one actually went so far as to tell me that I was making things up in my head. But the one thing that I NEVER brought up was that I had entrusted Gerard to the adoption system. I never exposed my self totally and honestly.
In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.
For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.
But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.
I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break.
I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.
In 2008 I started to see a wonderful new Doctor when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My life was going to change from being a wife to being a caregiver...from being a caregiver to being a widow in three and a half short years. Dr. B helped me get through my different stages of grief before my husband passed...while my husband was sick and after he passed. Little did I know then that he would be helping me with much more than that.
For the first time I actually told someone (a professional) that I had entrusted my son to adoption when I had just turned 18 years old. This "secret" came out in a session that exposed that I was holding others at arms length...only letting them in so close before setting up a barrier that they would have to really work very hard to get up to..get past...get over. There were those who I allowed (after they proved themselves to me) over but most only got up to it. Once I exposed myself I on a road of healing...once I started on this road to healing I started to confront my past.
But it was not until May of 2012, when I was reunited with Gerard that I really started my inner work. I began to see my past with new perspectives...I began to see patterns...to feel my losses and define my feelings. I suddenly realized what a profound affect entrusting Gerard had on my life.
I think that the fact that I had held on to a "secret" for so long certainly made those patterns repetitive...What I have realized is that I bought in to the preconceived notion of birth mothers that so many people have. The idea that our children were "mistakes"...that we were "tainted and bad people" because we had children "out of wedlock"..."illegitimate children"...that certainly WE were not capable of raising to be fine upstanding productive adults.
I know that this is NOT true...I have forgiven myself...I have forgiven the 18 year old girl...I have let her cry and grief her loss...I have let her have a voice that finally was loud and clear...I have realized that there is no easy solution to such a complicated situation. I do know that there is a strength in the maternal emotion that neither time nor "secrets" can break.
I continue to see Dr. B....a little less frequently these days...but as I heal I know that "secrets" do not help anyone grow...I have been doing inner soul searching for years...and this was one subject that I never addressed...Today, I am feeling better and happier than I have since I was a young girl...I am getting past the past...I am growing.
to know or not to know...
I remember when I was in the 5th grade, Mr. Thomas, was my teacher at #16 school. He was an Englishman who was teaching in America. We were studying ancestry. We were told to ask our parents where our ancestors came from. When I asked, my Mother promptly told me...We are Americans...you tell him that! So, back I went the next day and listened as everyone in the class was telling their ancestries ...Irish...English...German...and when it came to my turn I said American...No, he told me..you must be mistaken, you have to be more than that...well, that is what my Mother said to tell you was my reply. (there was laughter in the class room...was it because I said that is what my mother said to tell you or was it because I did not have an answer?) You need to ask her again he told me...home I went and said where are our ancestors from? My Mother once again said America...Now, I suppose in the 5th grade I was smart enough to go back to school and tell Mr. Thomas anything I wanted...who would know the difference...I marched into the class with my head held high went up to Mr. Thomas and said very clearly...My Mother said that we are Americans...I was born in America...She was born in America as was her mother, her grandmother and her great grandmother...as was my fathers family...So my ancestors are from America...he did not ask me again. So what is my ancestry? Really I have very little idea...I do know that there is some English...some Irish...a little Lithuanian ...and Cherokee...a mixed breed...a mongrel of sorts! I learned some of it over the years from my grandmothers...
Now imagine that you are adopted and you have no idea what your ancestry is, and you have no one to ask. (Even if you got the answer that your ancestors were from America!) Would it bother you? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference in any way?
While I was visiting my son, I asked him why he choose to search. He said he was not really curious till he was around 18 and became more curious as he got older. Who did he look like? Who were the people he got his eyes and height from...who did he get his love of art or his way of thinking from...was he curious about ancestry...just to a certain degree...but it came down to more about finding another person that he looked like and who he was like in different ways.
I know a great many people who have gone to get lengths to explore their family tree. I am not one of those people, but I do understand it to a certain degree. Knowing where we descended from is a curiosity to me, but not a make it or break it deal in any way. I am who I am not because of my ancestry but because of the sum total of my life so far. I believe that is the same for Gerard, but that is only my opinion. And I believe that we all have the right to know our ancestry and to be able to search it out if it is important to us. But to do so, we have to know our parents names...and perhaps even their parents names. Adoption erases that and so there is no way to find out unless you are reunited.
So, just how important is ancestry to you? And do you have the names of your parents so that you can do that searching?
Here in New York State all records are sealed and an adoptee is not allowed this information. And once again our ADOPTION RIGHTS bill did not make the floor to be voted on this year...but there is always next year. Our voices just need to get louder!
Now imagine that you are adopted and you have no idea what your ancestry is, and you have no one to ask. (Even if you got the answer that your ancestors were from America!) Would it bother you? Would you want to know? Would it make a difference in any way?
While I was visiting my son, I asked him why he choose to search. He said he was not really curious till he was around 18 and became more curious as he got older. Who did he look like? Who were the people he got his eyes and height from...who did he get his love of art or his way of thinking from...was he curious about ancestry...just to a certain degree...but it came down to more about finding another person that he looked like and who he was like in different ways.
I know a great many people who have gone to get lengths to explore their family tree. I am not one of those people, but I do understand it to a certain degree. Knowing where we descended from is a curiosity to me, but not a make it or break it deal in any way. I am who I am not because of my ancestry but because of the sum total of my life so far. I believe that is the same for Gerard, but that is only my opinion. And I believe that we all have the right to know our ancestry and to be able to search it out if it is important to us. But to do so, we have to know our parents names...and perhaps even their parents names. Adoption erases that and so there is no way to find out unless you are reunited.
So, just how important is ancestry to you? And do you have the names of your parents so that you can do that searching?
Here in New York State all records are sealed and an adoptee is not allowed this information. And once again our ADOPTION RIGHTS bill did not make the floor to be voted on this year...but there is always next year. Our voices just need to get louder!
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